To think women make a house a home?

[NothingButShiteOnTV]

Yes, I know I am generalising! I have no doubt people will be quick to tell me their dad/brother/second cousin Jim were more decoratively flamboyant than Laurence Llewellin Bowen (sp) but the men I know either live in lovely homes either decorated by a deceased spouse/ex partner or they live in something just about a step up from a cave - and they do not care!
When I look around my home the 'finishing touches' have all been chosen and placed by me, my husband just sees them as things we can live without and unnecessary despite them making this house our home.
AIBU?

I agree OP. For houses on rightmove you can tell from the photos STRAIGHT away if a heterosexual bloke lives there without a woman. It’s the matching fabrics that are missing. Too many wires and screens and tech. Functional.

Nope. My DH is much better at all that stuff than me. I haven’t a clue.

Nothing in my house matches! Other than the 2 sofas. There's no heterosexual men here.

IMO it's my DC that make our house a home. Home is the people I live with, not the place we live in.

I am autistic. I am female. I give no fucks about decor shite. Does it work and is it comfortable. That’s all I care about.

My ex was better than me at this kind of stuff. He was also more proactive about buying it. Also my adult son buys things for his flat that make it look homely and nice. Cushions, pictures, candles etc.

I think when my dad bought his house after my parents divorce he either accepted handy downs from family or went to the local charity shop and kitted out the whole house. For ages his living room foot stall was a cardboard box!! The house needed updating/work doing to it and he’d say ‘for the price of a new kitchen we can go to Australia for a month… what would you prefer?’

It didn’t feel homely but it did feel like you could relax as soon as you walked in. Everything was ‘designed’ to be function. He had a whole room downstairs completely empty.

I’m a woman and I live in a house one step up from a cave and I don’t care.

neither do my cats.

Isn't it that women make the homes they want? If I wasn't around my DH would decorate as he prefers. Of course he wouldn't find the same things I do or have the same taste as me. We choose things together (mostly) and I always run things by him but without me it would be just his taste and probably a lot more minimal and plain because he has been socialised that way - it wouldn't be a cave though. I do wonder if he would start seeing daily clutter like shoes and coats etc.

YABVU. Out of curiosity what is your definition of what makes a house a home?

For me it’s how a house starts to reflect the person or people who live there. The memories shown in various ways from displaying photos or that ornament you got on that holiday or that gift you received from a family member or friend or that unusual looking stone you found on a walk to that dint on the wall from some funny accident or that stain in the carpet that you could never get out when your darling grandchild spilt red cordial on it.

So many different things make a house a home. It can be a messy shithole and still feel like home. It could be minimalist and bare to cluttered with furniture and things.
A home isn’t simply made from furnishings, fixtures and Pinterest ideas.

What makes a house a home varies from household to household.

I think yabu not only for the extremely restrictive sexist stereotype but for being a bit judgmental towards how other people prefer to live.

Also, how is it that (quoting you) ‘the men I know either live in lovely homes either decorated by a deceased spouse/ex partner or they live in something just about a step up from a cave - and they do not care!’?

That is so far removed from my experience throughout life.

This is a good point. My flat feels like “home” because I feel safe and secure. The decor is basic af though.

Obviously you're generalising, OP, but on average yes I think you are right. We all know that the person who is more likely to have a house like this (see image) is a man.

It's not just about decor though and it certainly doesn't just mean buying lots of trinkets- it's also about creating a sense of homeliness more generally- communal meals, reasonable housekeeping and organisation, small efforts to create a space that feels comfortable and welcoming. That could be a very busy, maximalist home full of ornaments or it could be sleek and minimalist- what makes the difference is the sense that someone cares enough to create a pleasant environment.

I agree op.

If DH was responsible for furnishing our home it would go:

• bed, bedside table, lamp, 100 charging leads for various gadgets!
• gaming PC.
• sofa, coffee table, massive tv with surround sound
• mountain bike storage

Done!

I've chosen every colour, and added every bit of art work, rugs, cushions, throws, candles, ornaments, fresh flowers, house plants, nice bedding, nice towels etc.

He often works away and stays in digs with a load of men, and when he comes home he says "Oh everything's so nice, everything looks so homely, everything smells so lovely!"

I know a couple of gay guys with lovely homes, but the straight single men I know just go for practicality (and by that i mean bike storage!!) over style.

Men don’t really go in for hundreds of cushions on the main bed! 😀

So frustrating when women willingly box themselves into the domestic homemaker role like this.

Some women are into interior design, some are not, some are in between. Some men are into interior design, some are not, some are in between. Your genitalia doesn't determine your fondness for matching fabrics or cushions.

And it's not even a black-and-white thing. I have no interest in making my house look like a showhome nor have I ever given more than a passing thought to throws or cushions. I do not care what colour any given wall is enough to go to the effort of painting it. I took a lot of care in selecting the artwork for it though.

I agree. Not all women are good at making a house a home, but I've never come across a man who was good at it (I'm sure they exist, but they're few and far apart). When we sold our first house, the only viewings we had were by couples, and every time it was blatantly clear that the men were only making sure there were no DIY jobs that needed doing, whereas the women were actually interested in the house itself, and they were going to decide to buy or not.

I have found it to be generally (though not always) true.

Personally I hate throws/cushions/nick nacks/candles but our home very much reflects my style and preferences - lots of colour and heirloom style furniture. Husband isn't really bothered as long as the decor isn't scruffy. When I met him he shared a house with his brother and the whole thing was magnolia walls and beige carpet and the curtains were various mismatched cast offs from their mum's house. He said he can't be arsed thinking about or planning anything more adventurous and is happy for me to take the reins. Our son chose all neutral/functional stuff for his room. Daughter chose pink and grey combo for hers.

Having said that we do have a gay couple as neighbours and their house is amazing, every little detail coordinated to perfection. I definitely ate my words when I saw it!

I am aware I am a terrible homemaker. I loathe cooking and cleaning. Luckily I live my career and job outside the home and funnily enough I’ve always had (male) partners who enjoy doing the housework and cooking and don’t mind doing it for me. I do often feel inadequate for the fact that I just can never make a house look clean and pretty.

In my experience, it's true, because women are generally still picking up that side of relationships and family. The one person I know who hasn't been responsible for decor etc in their house is my sister. I don't think it's that women care more, but it's one of those expectations that women take on. I know when my daughter was born I wanted better for her than the sterile magnolia hell we hadn't bothered to do anything about, so now I'm responsible for it all.

When I met dh, we were both renting.
My flat was small, but I made it 'mine' with throws, cushions, mirrors. It was cosy and a nice place to be.

Dh had garden furniture in his living room. Nicotine stained walls. Spider webs.

He's good at diy and we've since done up houses together. He often has a 'vision', which is usually vague and needs me to detail it. He loves colour. I used to like neutrals. I now have colour and plants (so many plants) in my life and he has cushions and throws. And comfy sofas.

As ever, I don't know why people feel the need to pretend these gendered expectations and roles don't exist.

I'm autistic and live alone- apart from my two cats. I like having nice things around me- my home is my refuge. Why wouldn't I want it to be as lovely as I want it?
Plus even if my choices are ahem a little eccentric- it's nobody's business but my own

But where the woman isn't into interior design and "homemaking" (I'm into both in a big way, but have a corporate career and am also the breadwinner in our home, for reference), I doubt the man does it instead. The couple just lives happily in a fairly plain looking home (I know a few couples like that).

Where it IS a home that's been beautified and made homely, it's typically the woman who's done it.

I don't agree. Most of the women I know - me included - are just genuinely really into their homes and making them nice. There are no societal expectations at play.

Define “a home”…because cushions that just get in the bloody way are not included in my definition.

It's all just more clutter and stuff to clean.

Even more annoying are decorative cushions, throws and towels that nobody's allowed to use. What's the point?!