AIBU to still be upset about bullying?

[Pellinore]

When I was in secondary school I was bullied on the school bus. It was a group of boys, including one who was a bit younger than me who I will call Simon. They would hurl footballs as hard as they could at my head (which hurt a lot), verbally abuse me, and one incident which particularly lives in my memory is when Simon poured a bottle of juice over my head and I had to walk home from the bus stop humiliated with wet sticky hair.

A few years later, Simon, who was in the same year as my little brother, became good friends with my brother. He used to bring him over to our house and although by this point he was no longer bullying me I found it very stressful to have him in my home. I told my mother about what he'd done but she didn't ever seem to care. Simon was the kind of teenager who is polite and chatty with mums and my mum loved him, always saying what a nice boy he was.

I have no reason to think he's a horrible man today but Simon has never apologised and I still feel that rush of adrenaline and all the horrible memories come back when I see him, which thankfully isn't often but he's still a good friend of my brother and it does happen occasionally, e.g. my brother will have him over when we're both at our parents' house.

It really hurts to see my brother and my parents have no problem at all with Simon, saying he's such a lovely guy, after how he treated me. Especially my mother. I think that if something similar happened to my child, the bully wouldn't be welcome in my house, even if he was friends with my other child and was polite to me. My kids are still primary age though.

I have to see Simon again soon at my brother's wedding and I feel horrible thinking about it. It was over 20 years ago now so I know I should be over it and honestly I think I would be if I hadn't seen him since. But it all gets stirred up again every time.

Obviously I'm not about to make a scene at my brother's wedding but AIBU to think at least my mum should have been on my side and should stop telling me how lovely Simon is?

Well I was kind of joking but liked the idea of it

Sorry , I didn't realise you were joking!

Thank you for the kind messages, it genuinely means a lot.

I think it's fairly likely that Simon barely remembers all this. It was just a bit of fun for them to pass the time on the journey home - I never had any contact with him outside the school bus. I'm sure he is fine and has grown out of abusing girls on buses, but I can't help seeing him as the person who did those things.

I barely remember the other boys (ironically apart from the one who also bullied my brother, who nobody in my family has a nice word to say about). I don't think about Simon either until I see him, which has been only a handful of times since I left home. It would all have healed if I could just never see him. We live hundreds of miles apart so apart from his friendship with my brother there's no reason we would. At this point I wouldn't place any value on an apology, it's too late, I just want to forget him.

I'd appreciate an apology from my mother for letting him be in the house so much when I still lived there and was hiding in my bedroom so I didn't have to see him, but doubt that will ever happen.

I was a bullied child, too. I really do get it.
Simon currently has a lot of power over you, in your own head.
Set yourself free of this hold (easier said than done I know), back yourself, and walk into your life without him ❤

Would it be possible to try to connect with him? He may have grown into a really decent person, and while this doesn't diminish the effect of his earlier actions on you it may be liberating for you to tell him about this in a calm and considered way. My late sister bullied someone at primary school when she was going through a very difficult patch personally, and felt dreadful about it years later. She would have liked the opportunity to have talked about it and to apologise.

Accident? How about pouring it slowly and saying ' lets see how you like it for a change?'. I'd fantasize about that but in reality would not want to spoil brother's wedding. Later at mum's house if he is there though better not give me a large sticky drink! Bonus points that mum has to clean the carpet up after how she minimised my experience. I can see myself now: 'But mum I'm such a nice person overall - just get over it...!'

He's had more than ample opportunity to apologise. If he was going to, he would already have done so. I don't want to start crying at my brother's wedding, which I likely will do if I try to calmly talk to Simon about that time he smashed me in the face with a football and called me a bitch.

Simon aside, you have a mother issue op, I could be way off the mark but sounds like your db is the golden child.

Having dc triggered a lot of memories and issues for me with my own dm, I just can’t comprehend doing the same things as a mother myself and it feels deeply hurtful. Talking therapy helped me understand my own feelings but tbh never helped the relationship with dm.

Was this a one off issue where you felt hurt and let down by your mother, or has it been the case generally?

Maybe not a one off, nobody's perfect, but not really a major pattern I don't think. At the age when many teenage boys are a bit taciturn with adults, Simon was very friendly and my mother found him charming, such a nice boy.

Now I don't understand why his behaviour towards me didn't factor more in her opinion of him, but he's certainly been nice to her.

But that's an issue with your mother, not Simon, strictly speaking. I mean, there are two different issues here -- one, what Simon did to you, and two, that your immediate family members discounted this in befriending Simon and insisting he was a nice boy. I think you need to unpick them, and deal with them separately. By all means talk to Simon about his bullying, though I wouldn't expect to necessarily get any validation. It's perfectly possible he doesn't even remember, and you would need to be prepared for that, or him saying 'Seriously? You're still pissed off about that?' But it may be important for you to say it to him. And tell your mother and brother than you don't appreciate them minimising something that's caused you considerable mental pain. Again, it may not be met with a validating response, but important to say it, maybe?

I'm so sorry OP, i was also bullied relentlessly by younger boys on the school bus and it made me utterly miserable. It was never physical but 20 years later one or two of their comments still pop into my head occasionally, there are some things you never forget.

Your mum is behaving worse than Simon. Next time she mentions him in passing just say very calmly and firmly that you don't want to hear about him thank you. If she persists, tell her to shut up. Rinse and repeat.

Its very unfortunate he is still friends with your brother. Can you ensure brother seats you well away from each other at the wedding? Then on the day just do not speak to him. If he says hello pretend you haven't heard and immediately walk away and catch someone else's eye to chat to. Family weddings are good for that. Be very very calm and cold. It works.

You have my sympathy OP. I was badly bullied at school in the 80's and 90's. It completely changed the person I became and not for the better. The ring leader started their campaign in Primary school, then recruited most of the class when we got to secondary school and even turned colleagues against me when they started working at the same high street chain store I'd already been working at for several years before they joined.

If I cross paths with any of the "recruited" bullies these days - I have been known to drop subtle reminders of past behaviours into our "polite adult small-talk".

"ahh, those were the days.... Actually, I have still got that pencil case that you melted in the Bunsen burner!"

It's amusing to watch them squirm as they remember that incident... and reconnect the dots to all the other incidents!

It usually results in an apology as you can see it dawn on them what they put me through back then.

Maybe you could try similar.

I hold no malice towards most of them - They were just swept along trying to fit in, like the rest of us.

But I figure if I can bring it back to the forefront of their adult minds and just maybe it will encourage them to think about looking out for similar traits in their own offspring so that it can be nipped in the bud and save the next potential victim.

As for the ringleader and their understudy - I hope I never encounter either of them as I can't be sure of my actions. And if I hear that they died in some tragic circumstances - I'd celebrate!

Would you want or be able to talk to Simon about it? You’re a a grown woman now, no longer a bullied school girl, and while I completely understand the trauma and upset, and also that you may be unable to confront things, I really think that you need closure. Simon is your brother’s friend, it’s not realistic to expect him to cut ties with him, and it may be that Simon is a better person now - and maybe he’s still an asshole.. But I think that you should talk to him. You could say something like: Simon, it’s difficult for me to talk to you about this, but it’s very important to me that we can discuss my feelings. You were a mean bully to me and caused me humiliation and fear as a child, and I need to hear an apology and accountability from you if we are going to be in the same social circles.
Maybe you could write it down, it’s up to you. Either he will be a defensive asshole, in which case you have every right to ensure that your family protect you from being near him. Or, he might listen and take responsibility and apologise and you will be able to move on feeling more in control of the “now” and less traumatised by the past.

If you write a letter, do it for yourself and then burn it. I really don’t think that expressing your feelings to your parents and brother is going to get you the reaction you want from them, and if anything you are likely to end up feeling even more dismissed and hurt. They’re not going to suddenly start seeing him through your eyes, they’ll just see you as someone that’s trying to cause problems because you can’t let it go and move on.

What they ‘should’ be, or ‘should do’ has no bearing on how they actually are, or what they’ll actually do. Tbh I think the ‘they should…’ mindset can be a huge trap that works to prevent people from coming to terms with the reality of a situation, and moving on from it. It’s very easy to get stuck in a cycle of expecting something you’ll never get, and being constantly disappointed and hurt as a result.

It is my warped sense of humour haha

Couldn't agree more. I think in general making yourself emotionally vulnerable with people that have a history of being dismissive is really risky thing to do.

Given that your brother was and is good friends with a bully, it’s very likely your brother was/is also a bully, and that’s the reason your mum won’t acknowledge any of this.

It’s much easier to brush it all off as “larking around on the bus home” than accepting that your brother and his good friend made other children’s lives a misery.

@Pellinore either let this go and accept he used to be a twat but is ok now.

Or confront him with confidence or even with humour. "Hi Simon. I owe you a drink - it was juice you poured over my head 20 years ago wasn't it?"

I'd then gauge his reaction and suggest that he could either apologise for being such a twat, or if he isnt man enough to apologise then you'll quite happily settle for being even and tip a juice over his head later in the evening.

Your feelings are valid, your mother was Def out of order at the time and shouldn't be stirring memories now. Your brother didn't really know but I think to ask for avoidance procedures is totally fair.

There seems to be two issues here. Your problem with Simon and your problem with how your parents and brother have treated you. You need to move on from the bullying but also confront your parents and brother about how you feel.

I absolutely understand how you feel as I went through something very similar. I was around 18 and we lived in a bungalow. Someone would come around at dead of night and tap on my bedroom window. I can still feel the utter terror of those nights all these years later. I had no idea if I might be raped or murdered. If I woke my parents up to tell them, my dad would rush outside making as much noise as possible and, of course, never found anything or anyone. It took me a long time to realise that it was performative.

Anyway, long story short, I glimpsed the person one night and recognised him as a boy who lived down the road and was a friend of my brother. Also, his father worked with my dad and his mum was friendly with my mum.

I rushed to tell my mother. Her reaction was “I always knew it was him”.

Honestly the pain of her betrayal was literally like a knife in my heart. I couldn’t believe her behaviour. Little did I know it was only the first betrayal she would inflict on me but that’s a whole other thread!

Years later, the little shit even had the bloody nerve to come to my mother’s funeral. I completely blanked him. I wouldn’t give him the satisfaction of a reaction. I can only suggest you do the same. Maintain your dignity and look straight through him. I really hope it goes well for you x 💐

I wouldn't even bother making it look like an accident tbh

I had a similar experience with someone I can only describe as a k*, older than me so knew better! Many years later my younger brother became good friends with him. i then come across his mum in amongst a group I attended, seemed nice until she knew i knew her son -turns out he was a spawn of her!!!!

anyway, he’s a useless no contact dad to 2 children, he’s been ill and my brother saw sense quite a few years ago.

maybe he’s a better man now, I really don’t know but I just chose never to be in his company (other than the likes of a special occasion) and just avoided him.

likewise, perhaps Simon IS a better person but it’s ok to think otherwise. Your brother must think he is or he wouldn’t be attending his wedding?
by no means saying give him a chance, I think you just have to ignore him as if he doesn’t exist. He’ll know exactly what he did to you as a child, and probably (hopefully) carried guilt over that.

I don't think it's fair to judge someone for the childhood behaviour. Bullying is awful and it does live with people for a long time so I don't think YABU but I don't think your mum and brother are either, the version of Simon they know isn't a bully. No one deserves to have childhood mistakes held over them. You said he was younger than you and the other boys, maybe he was scared of the other boys, maybe he was too young to understand the impact of his behaviour. Maybe you should bring it up with Simon and try and move forward.

43 years on I do consider places I could bury a few corpses. Fortunately I live abroad now. Only joking. It hurt felt at the time and I will neither forgive nor forget. It matters not to me what other people thinkb about bullying. It's awful. I would certainty be telling Simon what I thought of him and would not fall for that gaslighting technique of pretending they just don't remember. I would also refuse you to visit if he is there, leave giving the exact reason if he arrived after me. I would also tell my mother that she let me down as a child and continued to do so now - it is not how SHE felt/ feels about the situation which matters. Her loyalty is due to you not Shitty Simon