AIBU to still be upset about bullying?

[Pellinore]

When I was in secondary school I was bullied on the school bus. It was a group of boys, including one who was a bit younger than me who I will call Simon. They would hurl footballs as hard as they could at my head (which hurt a lot), verbally abuse me, and one incident which particularly lives in my memory is when Simon poured a bottle of juice over my head and I had to walk home from the bus stop humiliated with wet sticky hair.

A few years later, Simon, who was in the same year as my little brother, became good friends with my brother. He used to bring him over to our house and although by this point he was no longer bullying me I found it very stressful to have him in my home. I told my mother about what he'd done but she didn't ever seem to care. Simon was the kind of teenager who is polite and chatty with mums and my mum loved him, always saying what a nice boy he was.

I have no reason to think he's a horrible man today but Simon has never apologised and I still feel that rush of adrenaline and all the horrible memories come back when I see him, which thankfully isn't often but he's still a good friend of my brother and it does happen occasionally, e.g. my brother will have him over when we're both at our parents' house.

It really hurts to see my brother and my parents have no problem at all with Simon, saying he's such a lovely guy, after how he treated me. Especially my mother. I think that if something similar happened to my child, the bully wouldn't be welcome in my house, even if he was friends with my other child and was polite to me. My kids are still primary age though.

I have to see Simon again soon at my brother's wedding and I feel horrible thinking about it. It was over 20 years ago now so I know I should be over it and honestly I think I would be if I hadn't seen him since. But it all gets stirred up again every time.

Obviously I'm not about to make a scene at my brother's wedding but AIBU to think at least my mum should have been on my side and should stop telling me how lovely Simon is?

You sound quite passive OP, why not just tell your mum and brother that you don't think he's lovely, that he was a nasty bully at school and that you don't want anything to do with him and you don't want to hear anything about him from them? If he's at their house, just give him a look of disgust and leave. Ignore him at the wedding and talk to other people, you don't have to go anywhere near him. He is aware of what he's done to you in the past. You don't have to brush it under the carpet and you don't have to pretend to like him or spend time with him.

I have told them and I don't pretend to like him or talk to him. I avoid him as much as I possibly can. I've never really told my brother all the details beyond the fact that Simon bullied me amd I strongly dislike him but I've been very clear about it to my mother.

That's what makes it so hurtful. She thinks he was just a silly boy and it doesn't change the fact that he's nice now, apparently. I really wish she had stood by me.

I may have another word with my brother in the future, a good time after his wedding, to ask him in all earnestness if he can make sure I never have to see Simon again. I'm just finding it difficult to have it all brought up again, but hopefully this can be the last time.

It's awful , isn't it, when anyone, but particularly family, ignore how you feel? I totally get it. It happened to me and the thought of the bullies being invited into my home or to a family wedding, years later, is HORRENDOUS

You can't change what happened and you can't make your family find compassion for you

I think I'd write a letter to Simon telling him how I feel reminding him of everything he did. In the letter I'd tell him that I dont want to see him or speak to him again.

If you send the letter before the wedding, simply grey rock him on the day. After that no contact or grey rock

You might find that some talking therapy helps?

Sending you love. What you've been through is horrible. Be kind to yourself

I would spell it out to your brother exactly what Simon did and tell him that you dislike Simon and have not forgiven him.
Then it’s up to your brother how he deals with the information.
Quite frankly, I don’t know any siblings or parents who would have the attitude that your family does.
I know adults who still blank people who bullied their siblings and that’s their prerogative.
Do your family generally ignore your feelings?
I would tell your brother all this before his wedding.
If he still chooses to invite Simon, then blank Simon whenever you see him.
If anyone notices and asks you then tell them the truth, that he was a nasty, spiteful bully who bullied you at school.

You probably need to neutralise this by talking to Simon directly and explaining how the bullying made you feel. To him it would have been young person japes but to you it was devastatingly humiliating

Your mother has also been really unhelpful here which is probably indicative of how she has handled other things in your life.

Does Simon ever try to speak to you? Next time I'd remind him what a cunt he was.

Attend the wedding , enjoy it as if he were not present then afterwards I would tell your mother and brother that you will no longer go to your parents on occasions that he is there.

Only when you take action will they respond

Maybe try some talking therapy @Pellinore ? And perhaps write to or message Simon. As someone else has said, he probably thinks of it as a joke or perhaps honestly doesnt even remember it at all as we see things as WE are and not as they are. So to him this was an insignificant thing he did because he could/other people were/he was bored or whatever. To you it was a huge deal and upsetting.

It doesn’t deserve such a big space in your life and mind though and is now still negatively impacting your relationship with your family. Which is why I’d suggest counselling so that you have the space to explore this and be heard and come to a decision what to do about feeling heard in your family also.

My goodness, an awful situation and your feelings are absolutely valid. It's your parents and brother who are out of order for minimising your feelings and allowing your bully to be around you. I'm really angry on your behalf.
I was bullied at school - not even as badly as you and I can't imagine having to face any of my bullies again. Nevermind having them welcomed into the family.
I think you need to spell out to your brother exactly what Simon did to you and how difficult you find it being in his presence. Do this before the wedding. You were physically abused and humiliated by this guy, so you will be suffering trauma every time you are forced into his presence. The fact your family claim he's a great guy is even worse.
Whilst it maybe worth reaching out to Simon in some way, I'm not sure it would make much difference. He's been around your family for years and never apologised, so would be surprised if he took ownership of his behaviour now.
As far as the wedding is concerned, do you have a partner or other close family/friends who will be there that you could confide in. Then if Simon is at the wedding, they can support you through. Grey rocking obviously is an option but you just want to be able to relax and enjoy your brother's day.
It maybe worth seeking some counselling of some sort, to work through your feelings but also to find your anger and assertive to challenge your family about there continued involvement of this guy in your lives.

You need to tell your brother (today or at least before the wedding) exactly what Simon did to you and that you’re upset that your mum has never cared. I don’t understand why you’ve never told him.

Accidentally trip at the wedding and pour a full pint of juice over his head & clothes while he’s sitting down. Revenge is a dish best served cold
Or Tell you bro the details & you don’t want him at the wedding
your mum needs to take your side

Does Simon know it was you that he bullied? If he’s a few years younger he might not realise it was you. It doesn’t excuse his behaviour but if he knew it was you he might apologise.

I think that there's people who simply don't see school bullying as a big deal which is why I'm not sure I agree with the advice to tell mum and brother exactly what Simon has done. If they've been dismissive for such a length of time then they are unlikely be moved by the OP opening up about her experience.

OP I think you need to grey rock as much as possible because the odds of your family suddenly shunning this person are low. I don't actually think it's that common for people in your situation to get a resolution or a sense of closure whatever they do with their school bullies.

I wouldn't bring it up, life is honestly easier if you let it go.. he was probably trying to keep in with his peers and going through a bratty phrase.

I remember seeing one of my bullies out, he was perfectly polite and lovely and I was off with him. Then six months later I heard he'd died after a short illness and thinking shit life's too short. I was 26 at the time and still cared, at 43 I've let it all go.

Sometimes least said soonest mended.

Well the OP said this was 20 years ago so advising her to ‘let it go’ seems poor advice.

@EvangelicalAboutButteredToast Going over and over it all with her family may only upset her further, and add extra stress to everyone. OP might well not get a nice lovey dovey response to make her feel better about herself, as not all families are like that. Also it's not something that worth burning family bridges and going non communicative over IMO. I doubt her DB is going to uninvite Simon over something that happened 20 years ago. Sometimes life is easier if you can smile and nod, and just try to deal with it privately.

I’m not sure the OP was talking about going NC. I’m pretty sure she says she was going to talk to her brother again about it.

Honestly? I'd see less of your mum. She didn't do anything about the bullying when you were a child and completely dismisses the impact on you now.

I can't imagine her though processes. Even now, if my adult children tell me about some instances of bullying/unkind behaviour towards them when they were children, I feel utter rage, even though it is too late for me to do anything. There would be no way that I would be having them in my home, and downplaying what they did. Your mum's behaviour is worse than your bully's.

Im so sorry this happened to you. The worst is your mother not having your back as she should have. That is awful.
I too would speak to your brother at an opportune moment before or after wedding so he truly understands. Ideally beforehand.
I would go to the wedding but have absolutely nothing to do with Simon. Try to avoid him but if not possible then either ignore him or be explicit in your rejection - along the lines of ‘after the way you behaved towards me in the past don’t you dare speak to me’ type thing.
Then outside of the wedding I would refuse to be around him. You had no choices as a child but you do now. If he comes to your mum’s home and you are there, again ignore him or explicitly reject him. Or leave if you prefer. Make his behaviour the problem of him and those who protect him. If mum comes up with ‘well that happened a long ago and he is nice now’, I’d say ‘the only thing worse than bullying is when your loved ones side with a bully’. Or ‘im happy that is the case for you but you don’t get to decide for me’. Also, ‘nice people acknowledge and apologise when they have behaved badly’. Also, ‘please note, nice mothers care about their children’s feelings above social niceties. Why are his feelings more important to you than mine?’
Over my dead body would I approach HIM or write a letter or whatever to clear the air. Take back your control and stand up to your bully as you could not as a child. If my brother or mother are dismissive so be it. They are choosing Simon over me. Their choice. But I would refuse to prioritise my family over myself if my family made me choose.

Can’t say I wouldn’t be tempted to accidentally spill a drink on him at the wedding.

That's just silly and spiteful.
I was badly bullied in school by a 'girl gang'. I ended up working with one of them as an adult and we actually became quite friendly, at the time she was bullying me her older brother died of a drug overdose - it doesn't excuse her behaviour but it explains it.
The 'ringleader' of the girl gang died aged 38 in a drug related stabbing with her two young children in their (small, shitty) house in a rough area. I feel sorry for her children but otherwise I see no great loss to society 🤷‍♀️
In the kindest possible way OP I think you have laser focused on Simon because you still see him around and you feel like your mother didn't protect you from him. I am not sure how old you both were but is it possible she just saw him as a little boy rather than an actual threat to you?
Personally I would go out of my way to talk to Simon now as an adult, he may (or may not) be a genuinely nice man (does your brother tend to be friends with awful people?) but at least if you speak to him you can see things through adult eyes rather than the eyes of a scared child. It might help you to move on.

I am so sorry you went through this and how your mother has reacted. Are you close to your brother. I think you really need to explain exactly how you feel and what you went through and it still affecting you today all these years later. Tell him you do not want him at the house when you are there and explain why. Would you want receive an apology do you think this would help you at all especially as it is someone your path crosses with.

That sounds really tough.

I think that talking to your brother after the wedding is a good idea.

My sister's childhood bully joined my team at work. I tried really hard to be professional with her and didn't tell my colleagues about her past. I could not bring myself to be more than polite to her. She started to try to organise social things and leave me out but my teammates did not let her. Fortunately for me she was a bit of a liability at work (including sleeping with a student (university) and was asked to resign.

I would struggle to not confront Simon if he were in the same house as me.

I would ask why he has never apologised for bullying you, and if he thinks that his behaviour was ok? Ask what he would do if someone treated a child of his the way he behaved to you?

And let your brother know the examples.

Where is your dad in this? What have you said to him?

is he keen to have the man who bullied his daughter in the house?

I would speak to your Dad, explain your mum hasn’t stepped up for you and you would like him to. Also, speak to your brother and his bride to be and explain the situation. Say you don’t want to make things awkward, but also they need to understand what Simon did to you and how would they feel if he’d done that to their DC/future child?

Essentially, Simon needs to man up and come to you and apologise; hopefully he’s a different person now. But bullies thrive when no one takes them to task for their actions and whilst I’m surprised no one did anything to help you when you were a child to prevent this bullying, they have the opportunity to support you now.