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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask his friends to go home early?

50 replies

AngelicAbout · 27/08/2025 23:08

My grandson is turning 17 on Sunday, he lives with me and I've had a few threads already about struggling with that and him but this isn't really about him, I'm wondering if id be U to ask his friends to leave early

2 years ago both grandson and DS moved here from down south, my son has moved out but grandson is with me. He still keeps in contact with his friends and tbh they're his only friends bar people online so we do encourage this.

The plan was for 2 of them to come for a few days and spend celebrate his birthday, Monday-Saturday. he lied and said they weren't coming anymore but Monday they were here which surprised me and I wasn't prepared at all and this time I'm not so happy with them here as I have been previous times.

The friends had bought alcohol with them and on Monday night I was woken up to grandson vomiting all over the landing whilst the friends laughed at him. Apparently they'd been playing a videogame and everytime their character died they took a shot 🙄 I got him sorted with a bucket and water and the whole time the 2 of them were chatting and didn't seem bothered at all about whether he was ok or not. I'm glad I was there otherwise god knows what would've happened. One of them then refused to sleep in his bed with him (I have no idea how 3 of them manage to share the bed but that's besides the point!) she took herself to the sofa, the other friend was with him but I still didn't sleep due to being worried.

Tuesday he was fine somehow and very apologetic and seemed embarrassed, they went out for a short while but mostly they've been home and same today. They've mostly been in his room drinking and gaming and watching a show but his friends haven't been tidying up at all, grandson usually doesn't either when it's just him but he has been trying to make an effort and wash up but they haven't been helping. They've been leaving cans all over the house half empty which grandson never does so I know it's them.

One of them has 2 different names and uses both he and she pronouns but if I call them the “wrong” name they're using at the time they roll their eyes, I'm aware these may seem quite minor but I've already been dealing with grandsons behaviour so I'm exhausted.

WIBU to ask them to leave early? I'm not sure what grandson will say and it is for his birthday and they hardly see each other so do I just suck it up?

OP posts:
youalright · 27/08/2025 23:12

I think i would give them an ultimatum no more drinking and you need to clean up after yourselves or you can leave.

Original poster
AngelicAbout · 27/08/2025 23:13

Forgot to add, the 2 of them have been talking about their own thing and not including grandson as he doesn't know what they're talking about. They've been making little comments to grandson, for example they were eating cake yesterday and did their own celebration with candles etc and they had some left today so they went to eat it, except they'd eaten lunch out and I overheard one of them say that grandson could only eat a bit of cake or he'd “freak out and call himself fat” (I've never heard him say this” the two of them laughed but grandson didn't say anything. Then they told him to wait until he got high to eat more. I'm already worried as he only eats one meal a day in the middle of the night usually and now I've overheard that I'm wondering if they're encouraging it?

I've tried speaking to him but he says he's fine and he's having fun but i don't know, maybe I am overreacting as I do have some worries about him and his MH. He did make a comment to me before about Him not knowing if they want to be friends with him anymore but I just thought it was because they lived far away

OP posts:
Original poster
AngelicAbout · 27/08/2025 23:28

youalright · 27/08/2025 23:12

I think i would give them an ultimatum no more drinking and you need to clean up after yourselves or you can leave.

I was thinking that and any other time I would but being as it's for grandsons birthday I'm unsure if I should just suck it up. Especially because of how his behaviour is when it's just him, I'm worried it’d make things worse but I'm at my wits’ end with grandson atm let alone his friends

I can hear them now talking loudly and laughing etc

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ComfortFoodCafe · 27/08/2025 23:32

grow a backbone and Tell your son to come over and sort his child out! Jesus wept where is he in all this??

TomatoSandwiches · 27/08/2025 23:32

They don't sound like friends at all, when was your grandsons birthday? If it's been and gone then give them 24hrs to leave.

DoodleLug · 27/08/2025 23:37

I think reasonable to tell them how you need them to behave if they're to remain guests in your house.

They are very young and probably used to stricter parenting. It also sounds like your gs is aware they're not behaving well.

I'd tell gs your expectations, he might be happy to cut their visit short anyway.

Original poster
AngelicAbout · 27/08/2025 23:45

My son doesn't live with us but that's not really the point of the thread, I've made other threads solely on grandson and his behaviour but there's nothing to sort out regarding this as its his friends I'm unhappy with, not him. I wasn't expecting his friends but I was hoping he'd have a nice time with them as he hardly sees them and we could focus on the real issues after. Apart from this he only talks to people on discord, he has no friends here at all and he isn't interested in making any.

His birthday is Sunday but they're due to leave on Saturday

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JLou08 · 27/08/2025 23:59

I'd firmly tell them to clean up after themselves but I would let them stay. It sounds like your grandsons behaviour is better and that's a real positive, maybe this was what he needed. I wouldn't worry about 17yo not caring that their friend was sick, me and my friends were often sick drinking at that age and it wasn't a big deal to us.
I'd use this time to try and build a relationship with grandson and his friends. Maybe you could get some time with his friends away from him once you build the relationship and try get a better insight into what is going on with your grandson, I'd definitely want to ask more about the cake incident. I'd be worried he has an eating disorder.

Dazzlemered · 28/08/2025 00:15

It sounds like your DGS has a few issues going on.

I’d Make it clear to him privately that if he would like them to leave then you will tell them to go. If he is having a good time though I’d 100% leave them to it and just don’t invite them back to stay.

Original poster
AngelicAbout · 28/08/2025 07:54

His behaviour has been a bit better this week and he does seem happy around his friends but I don't like the way they're treating him. I know they're young but they were just sat laughing at him. I am concerned about the comments they made about the cake and I will speak to him.

He did ask them to help him wash up but one of them said she doesn't like washing up and that he had plenty of time and they walked off and left him to do it himself

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Frostynoman · 28/08/2025 08:00

Kick them out now. The house is your grandsons safe space and they are being cruel to him in it. They are also disrespectful of you and your home and you’ve not set or upheld a boundary there. They aren’t even staying for his birthday - they’re nasty little bullies

TheSandgroper · 28/08/2025 08:22

You are well within your rights to stand in front of them when your arms folded and firmly tell them to show good manners, help with cleaning up or that their little hollibob at your expense is over and they can go back to their parents.

None of that will kill them. Kids can be given an opportunity to learn but after that, back home for them.

Original poster
AngelicAbout · 28/08/2025 09:27

Thank you, I just don't want to embarrass grandson as we don't have a relationship as it is and they aren't usually like this so I don't know what's changed, I always wanted to encourage the friendship as I said as they're his only friends minus online

I am worried about possible eating disorder and if his friends are encouraging it? He does is very thin and pale and I wouldn't be surprised if he's underweight but I don't know what he weighs so can't say for sure, he only eats once a day though usually

OP posts:
Original poster
AngelicAbout · 28/08/2025 09:48

Bump

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Original poster
AngelicAbout · 28/08/2025 10:03

.

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Swiftie1878 · 28/08/2025 10:10

Get his Dad involved, or just you have a quiet ‘side’ chat with him. Tell him that you are unhappy with friends’ behaviour in your house, and you want him to tell them to leave (early). Go from there. He may come back with something, and the behaviour may improve, but if not you get him to get them out of you do it.

Naicemum · 28/08/2025 10:30

Talk to him, let him know that you have noticed the way they are treating him and that in your opinion, it's not ok, offer that you will ask them to leave if he wants you to. He may be glad to get rid or he may insist he is fine with it, either way, he will have it reinforced that not only you value him and believe he deserves to be treated well, but that you also respect him enough to let it be his call. The one meal a day is worrying and something his parents should be informed about, if it is an eating disorder then continue to reinforce how important and valuable he is to you and get some professional support as soon as possible. It's great that he has you looking out for him. X

Original poster
AngelicAbout · 28/08/2025 11:22

My son knows about his eating and we both have encouraged him to eat at different times for example when I've made dinner I offer it him and he says no. Then he cooks for himself in the middle of the night or just snacks, it doesn't help his sleep was fully nocturnal before this so the one plus of his friends being here is that it seems to be sorted. I will speak to my son about what I heard and then we'll speak to grandson but grandson doesn't have much of a relationship with my son either so I don't know how much chance we have of him opening up to either of us.

My son is autistic and I suspect grandson is autistic so that makes it less likely he'll be able to see the red flags of this and I'm worry they're taking advantage of him. He was against making friends here because he “had friends” but he could make friends that actually respect him and his things. I've heard him multiple times things morning asking one of them/both to not vape in his room or at least do it out of the window but I don't think they're listening to him.

I'm worried he'll say everything’s fine and he's having fun as he did yesterday and he does seem to be happy but they're not treating him well at all

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Dweetfidilove · 28/08/2025 11:31

They do not sound like friends at all. They've just found a convenient place they can drink, game and be little shits. Your grandson is probably glad for the company, as it seems he lacks people who care much for him, except you.

Tell them to tidy up, then throw them out. Remind him it's okay to stand up to those who are not good for him and that you won't tolerate shit behaviour in your home.

Cherrysoup · 28/08/2025 11:36

Do your grandson a favour and kick out his shitty toxic ‘friends’.

C152 · 28/08/2025 11:56

OP, it sounds like your grandson isn't happy with the way his friends are behaving and doesn't seem to be able to stand up to them. A part of him (although he'd never admit it) may be hoping you will stand up to them for him and either force them to behave or kick them out. He will then probably be angry, or pretend to be angry with you, but part of him may be relieved. Perhaps he is also starting to see that holding onto these friends and not making any others isn't the solution he thought it was.

Goditsmemargaret · 28/08/2025 11:57

Hi friends, sit down here for some cake and tea and let's have a chat. Since you've arrived I've heard you say some less than pleasant things to my grandson, you've been drinking, leaving mess everywhere and being thoroughly ignorant houseguests. You also seemed entirely unconcerned when he was ill from drinking too much. As he is unwilling to address this let me make it clear - this is a disgraceful way to treat him and me after we have extended hospitality. You can either leave or change your behaviour but please think long and hard about what sort of people you want to be.

Original poster
AngelicAbout · 28/08/2025 13:05

I do feel a little sad for him as he has said since moving here 2 years ago he didn't want to make any friends up here as he had friends already and now they're treating him like this. He didn't really go to school here and is not going to college as he refused to go to enrollment to look at courses and it's probably too late now as the term starts on Monday/Tuesday so he's going to be isolated more than he already is.

I will speak to him later, it's hard knowing what to do for the best

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RosaMundi27 · 28/08/2025 13:08

"it's hard knowing what to do for the best"
It isn't really - you've had lots of very good advice here from your previous post about your grandson. I'm guessing that you haven't implemented a single thing.

Original poster
AngelicAbout · 28/08/2025 13:11

RosaMundi27 · 28/08/2025 13:08

"it's hard knowing what to do for the best"
It isn't really - you've had lots of very good advice here from your previous post about your grandson. I'm guessing that you haven't implemented a single thing.

This isn't related to his behaviour though? This thread is about whether I’d BU to ask his friends to leave early as we do encourage this friendship as it's the only social interaction he gets that isn't with people online but they're obviously not being good friends to him now, they haven't been like this previously which is why I allowed them to come in the first place when he asked but then I didn't think they were as he told me he'd told them not to come anymore.

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