To ask his friends to go home early?

[AngelicAbout]

My grandson is turning 17 on Sunday, he lives with me and I've had a few threads already about struggling with that and him but this isn't really about him, I'm wondering if id be U to ask his friends to leave early

2 years ago both grandson and DS moved here from down south, my son has moved out but grandson is with me. He still keeps in contact with his friends and tbh they're his only friends bar people online so we do encourage this.

The plan was for 2 of them to come for a few days and spend celebrate his birthday, Monday-Saturday. he lied and said they weren't coming anymore but Monday they were here which surprised me and I wasn't prepared at all and this time I'm not so happy with them here as I have been previous times.

The friends had bought alcohol with them and on Monday night I was woken up to grandson vomiting all over the landing whilst the friends laughed at him. Apparently they'd been playing a videogame and everytime their character died they took a shot 🙄 I got him sorted with a bucket and water and the whole time the 2 of them were chatting and didn't seem bothered at all about whether he was ok or not. I'm glad I was there otherwise god knows what would've happened. One of them then refused to sleep in his bed with him (I have no idea how 3 of them manage to share the bed but that's besides the point!) she took herself to the sofa, the other friend was with him but I still didn't sleep due to being worried.

Tuesday he was fine somehow and very apologetic and seemed embarrassed, they went out for a short while but mostly they've been home and same today. They've mostly been in his room drinking and gaming and watching a show but his friends haven't been tidying up at all, grandson usually doesn't either when it's just him but he has been trying to make an effort and wash up but they haven't been helping. They've been leaving cans all over the house half empty which grandson never does so I know it's them.

One of them has 2 different names and uses both he and she pronouns but if I call them the “wrong” name they're using at the time they roll their eyes, I'm aware these may seem quite minor but I've already been dealing with grandsons behaviour so I'm exhausted.

WIBU to ask them to leave early? I'm not sure what grandson will say and it is for his birthday and they hardly see each other so do I just suck it up?

I spoke to grandson earlier and he said he's fine, they're just joking and he wants them here but then they both were talking between themselves and grandson went to his room, so I don't see how he's happy with them being here

Your grandson is vulnerable and is being bullied. Time to act like an adult and either address their behaviour directly and get them to behave, or chuck them out. He's relying on you to some extent to protect him, and you're here just uselessly dumping instead of doing something. This seems to be your default position on anything to do with grandson - why are you so reluctant to act?

I think it being Thursday evening now I'd 'manage' till after breakfast on Saturday.

If you drive, is it worth offering to take all three out to something interesting/unique locally for a bit of the day?

Or worth dropping the friends somewhere and taking your grandson somewhere else to give him a couple of hours break? (A trip to college wouldn't be a bad idea - it's probably not too late if he gets on with it)

I would say something like, 'sorry, there's a house rule against vaping indoors because I react to everything - I can find you a garden chair if you like'.

Alcohol to the point of vomiting is really weird in this context. I used to do it at uni occasionally and discovered that vomiting made the hangover less bad so didn't resist it. But wouldn't do it at home. I would be finding a way to say no alcohol or at least no alcohol in bedrooms whilst maybe serving beer/wine with dinner. I would try to feed them especially if you think they're going to drink alcohol anyway.

Your grandson sounds vulnerable and spending time with toxic people isn't good for him.

Good for you nipping it in the bud early. They sound like incels in the making

One of them then refused to sleep in his bed with him (I have no idea how 3 of them manage to share the bed but that's besides the point!) she took herself to the sofa, the other friend was with him but I still didn't sleep due to being worried

I can't believe nobody's picked up on this ... three drunken teenagers in one bed, one of them a girl and it's how they all fit in which worries you?

Honestly, these friends sound like shitbags, they don't respect your home and they certainly aren't behaving like friends towards your grandson.

Time to lay down the law and if they piss about, out they go.

I am not sure your GS knows how to evaluate good friendships but he certainly won't learn how to set any boundaries unless you show him.

Why do you want to encourage this “friendship”? It doesn’t sound healthy for your grandson at all?

I’d be asking them to leave pronto.

If you were in this situation you’d know why I'm reluctant to act, his behaviour isn't just a typical teenager misbehaving, he acts as if he hates me. We barely have a relationship, he's been moved away from these friends and doesn't see them and yes I see they're toxic but he doesn't. It's also his birthday coming up and then my son moving in. I also WFH and try to keep the house running so yes it is a lot. I just hoped one week at least would go smoothly. I don't need judgy comments.

That's a good idea @independentfriendi do think it’d be good to get him away from them for a bit, I'm unsure whether he'd agree but it's worth a try. He's used to being alone most the time so I think 2 people who aren't being very nice to him in his space for a week is a lot. About the alcohol, what they had brought with them was quite strong so mix with the fact he'd barely eaten it was a disaster. I didn't even know they were drinking until then otherwise I would’ve made sure he’d eaten.

@PuzzledandpissedoffBoth of the friends are biological girls but no, I'm not worried about them sharing a bed or even how they fit it was a throwaway comment! My grandson is gay/bi I'm not sure which as he doesn't talk about it.

As said I encouraged the friendship because they're his only friends that aren't online, they're not usually like this on visits. Last time he saw one of them was at a concert though and not here so I'm not sure what happened there if anything as he hasn't said

Hi OP - my heart goes out to you.

Something similar happened with my son and two of his friends. He thought (and was told by said friends) he had to take their abuse as they were friends. I felt completely helpless. Also our relationship wasn't at its best. In the end I asked my son would it be OK if I got mad at their behaviour and asked them to leave our house. That way they could all laugh about me being annoying and over dramatic. He finally agreed, they all laughed at how nuts I was and they left.
This way they stayed friends- which was important to him at the time - and it improved our relationship as he finally realised I'm on his side. It took him another year to realise they're not great friends but he had to work this out for himself.

Talk to him again and tell him how they make you feel and whether it's OK to ask them to leave. Tell him to blame you so he can save face with his friends. It's a tricky situation good luck 👍🏻

I’m wondering why 17 year old is allowed to drink. Grandson might be relieved if you ask them to leave.

Grandson needs you to be the bad guy here, Op.
Step up and inform young guests that the celebration is now over and you would like them to leave as soon as possible.
Grandson might protest but stand your ground.

Help them order taxis etc.
When they have gone thank Grandson for helping tidy up after his friends and tell him that you know he had his hands full dealing with their very rude and out of control behaviour.

Tell Grandson that you will not tolerate any more alcohol brought into the house, nor any more out of control friends.
Grandson will feel happier and more secure in his own home.

He can now always blame you as to why his rowdy friends can not come over to drink.

All 17 year olds drink 🙄 if I said he couldn't he'd go and drink elsewhere and potentially somewhere unsafe. At least I know he's safe here, the only time I've taken issue with it was when he stole mine but drinking at that age is a non issue tbh. He smokes weed and I think that's worse and I'm even struggling to stop that seeing as I'm not the one giving him money, so I have no idea how id stop him drinking.

Well one's a girl and the other doesn't know if it's Arthur or Martha!

Sweet fucking Jesus.

What is the point of this thread?

OP: What shall I do?

Loads of good advice

OP: Nah.

Ok. Carry on in this absolute fucking nightmare then.

I have taken on board advice and I'm going to talk to him properly when they've gone and not allow the friends back here either way. I just don't want to rock the boat as I said we don't have a relationship. Plus the judgy replies (like this) isn't good advice!

Anyway, there's no point to this thread now as I've told them to leave.

@AngelicAbout how can you have no relationship with him when he lives with you?

My son briefly dated grandsons mum at 17, she was quite controlling and in general not very nice but she got pregnant and had grandson. He was involved from the start but it was on her terms. He’d never come to ours for example which is understandable as a newborn baby but not when he was older. Then when he was about 3, grandson, his mum and her mum moved down south and my son moved too because he didn't want to lose his son. He was having regular contact and I saw him when I went to visit but she banned him from bringing his son up here which meant he couldn't form a solid relationship with me, my daughter or his 2 cousins. She told him she'd stop contact and he’d never be given it due to his MH and autism, obviously a lie but my son believed it and I didn't know any of this at the time.

Then he had full custody from when grandson was 11 for various reasons but ultimately social services deemed he and his siblings were unsafe to stay living with her (siblings aren't my sons children). They continued living down there but then grandson started school refusing meaning my son struggled to go to work and he was quite lonely down there so they moved in here 2 years ago. My son has since moved out but grandson wouldn't go with them and he's still angry about the move but anyway, he barely leaves his room now, the only time we talk are usually him shouting or swearing at me. If I try to talk to him about anything he usually ignores me. He doesn't have a relationship with my son either tbh, he only messages him for money and ignores my sons other messages and when he comes over he refuses to come down or he does but only for about a minute then goes straight back to his room. I suspect grandson is autistic but he always says there's nothing wrong with him so I've left it for now.

He has been nicer to both of us recently but I have a feeling that's only because his birthdays coming up and he wants to make sure he gets what he's asked us for, he's asked me for comics and my son for trainers - which he does need tbh so he probably would've got them either way

There's more to this obviously but don't want to make this longer than it already is

Well done OP for making them go, they were disrespectful and loutish. I suspect that your grandson is relieved, although he may not admit it.

Well done Op.

All of the threads are like that. I think the OP just wants to vent.

I posted as I didn't know what to do for the best, as I said they're not usually like that so I don't know what's happened between them otherwise if they were always like that I wouldn't have allowed them to come in the first place but I thought him seeing them was important as he doesn't get any other social interaction and that's obviously not good for his MH. But as said I have asked them to leave.

He isn't happy about it, he swore at me and said I hate him having friends, I embarrassed him and ruined the friendship and started talking about suicide as he “has nothing” then he walked off and refused to talk anymore. Before they left one of them said he was boring anyway because all he wants to do is watch Dexter which is a “weird show” and the other laughed, I think that upset him too as he argued with them that they've done other things and they hadn't suggested anything else to do

@AngelicAbout

So. You have a traumatised child brought up in chaos, removed from his mother and then left by his father as well as being removed from all he knows.

He must be miserable.

He’s been failed by every single adult in his life. What an awfully sad situation.

Kids having kids and fucking their lives up. Your son needs to step the fuck up.

My son comes over and messages him but he doesn't want to know. The plan was for grandson to move in with son when he moved out but he point blank refused, he had his room how he wanted it etc and didn't want to move in with him. My son lied and said theyd move back down south for college, I've told him he shouldn't have said it if it wasn't true but he said it's done now. But that's another reason they don't have a relationship.

I'm trying to do what I can but I WFH, my relationship with my husband isn't the best and he goes away for weeks or months at a time so it's just me doing everything. My son is going to be evicted so will need to move in. I've tried persuading grandson to go to college here and he did agree then refused to go last week so hasn't got a place anywhere and all courses are likely full

What an absolute shit show.

You need a proper family meeting with honesty and proper plan making.
The poor kid ☹️