Son moving abroad

[gunnermartin]

My 20 year old son has said from age 10 that he wants to live as an adult in Canada since we visited when he was 10.

He has gone to college to specialise in a trade, learnt another language on the side of this (French) as he wants to live in Canada.

He got a job after college in his trade for his work experience and has saved and saved money.

He has now been approved for a working holiday for a year and has a job lined up etc and they have offered him to leave in December to go over. He has accepted.

I am so excited for him, but I am also terrified. It will also be our first Christmas ever without him. He has made an online friendship base online in Canada in the hopes he would one day get over there so he has people in the area he’s going.

I have fully advocated for him going all the years he has wanted to as if I was his age I would get out of this county as well. Now it’s here I’m having a silent meltdown about the massive change it will be after having him around full time for 20 years but I’m also so excited he’s made it happen with lots of hard work.

Has anyone else’s kids moved far away? Have they had kids? What’s it like being a parent/ grandparent when they’re all in another country. How often do you go over to visit?

I am having a silent meltdown but in front of him I’m being super excited for him 🤣🤣🤣🤣

Im so worried if he needs me over there (which he does a lot over here) we aren’t down the road, but like my husband is saying it will do him well with becoming a proper adult.

He sounds amazing very focussed. It will be hard but you must be so proud. Can you afford to visit.

Absolutely so proud. We can yes. I have no idea how to navigate it and don’t want to be overbearing but I am also going to miss him so much. The years have crept up so quickly and now it’s happening I’m like 😳

Any chance r you could surprise visit for Christmas?

Nature gives you all those years of caring desperately than makes you redundant. Not the same but texts and phone calls means they do not feel so far away.

You’ve done your job, OP. You’ve raised a determined young person to independence. Time to let him go and focus on yourself.

He has planned to spend it with a couple of other lads he speaks to over there. My husband and I had shit parents so we have never made Christmas a thing where everyone has to do what we say in the house just made it as chill as possible and he is super excited about spending his first one with his mates in a new country so we don’t want to intrude.

My son went to Australia to play rugby at 18 for a year. First couple of weeks was hard but technology and social media made it feel like he was more accessible than we anticipated.
I think you have an amazing, focused and driven son!

I think your son is a credit to you that he’s delivered on so much of his goal and put himself in a very strong position at such a young age.

Instead of thinking about this as a permanent move, does it help you to think about this as his ‘next’ move. Him building a family might or might not come quickly and might or might not be in Canada, the UK or elsewhere. Don’t stress about that - just think about the 2-3Y plan.

I moved to Asia when I was 22 and was there for close to a decade before returning to UK. In that time I think DH and returned to UK 1-2 times per year, and our parents visited 5 times in total. This was due to their/our priorities, nothing to do with budget. We reframed which times of year were enjoyable - people always panic about Xmas but we always found it expensive and chaotic to visit then (for either party). I’d suggest you propose a visit once he’s settled, in 3-6 months say - and maybe frame it as we have always wanted to see niagara, then we will go on to Toronto (or whatever) so you have a new holiday together too.

The trap I’ve seen a lot of expats fall into is renting a bigger flat for visitors, who invariably come far less frequently than first thought. That can be a lot of budget to save for hotel stays and going away together on mini breaks.

You do see there’s a middle ground between shit parents saying everyone has to do exactly as I say to “very chilled”

it was just a suggestion to surprise him. Not a suggestion of a power move representing shit parenting!

Oh sorry, I didn’t mean to come across as in I’d taken offence to your comment. I just meant he’s already said he’s going to do it with mates and some unnecessary back story for you because I’m overthinking everything now it’s here 🤣

No prob

Do you have any plans to visit?

I absolutely empathise and sympathise! My daughter is off to Japan for a year for her degree - she won't be here for her birthday and Christmas. Very much in silent meltdown mode here. . . but I'm proud of her independence and go get 'em spirit, as you are of your son's! For him to stay so focussed and motivated for such a long time, learning another language to further his dream no less, is little short of amazing.

Not a set plan yet but we will make one. We also have two other kids who are 17 and 14 so just need to navigate if they want to come or how we leave them here with supervision if we just pop out on our own.

Mine is 22 and is going to Australia. I wont be able to afford to visit, and I know he wont come back (he says he won’t, and to be fair, he wouldn’t be able to afford it setting up a new life). I’m happy for him but I’m sad for me and his younger siblings who adore him.

Even if I could afford to (for me, we could be dream of taking us all), I’m going blind quite rapidly, so it would be difficult.

I told someone at work and she mentioned her sons in Dubai and it’s really hard and it’s set me off 🤣

Having being the "child" in this situation (not the parent) my tips...

Definitely no surprise visits. Ask when is a good time so they haven't made plans, can get a couple of days of work etc. Don't expect them to be your tour guide while there and understand they have normal life (work, housework, a sports club etc) to still do while you are on holiday.

Facetime, zoom etc are great. But constantly. Remember stuff like WhatsApp still work too (its great now in comparisonto even 10 years ago!) So you can still share the random moments

Its OK to say you miss them but are excited for them.

Don't necessarily tell them this.. but put aside money for emergency flights. Or just to send them if they really hate and feel stuck.

My son has lived in Canada for 20 years after marrying a Canadian. He has a fantastic life and great job out there and would never come back to the UK.

I must admit it was very hard at first when he moved, especially then as there was no face time or Skype. We had to make do with expensive phone calls once a week. But seeing how happy he was and is out there makes me happy.
I am extremely proud of him and the life he has made.

They now have children and nowadays we can do video calls which make a huge difference as I can see the children and they see me and we know each other very well.

We try to alternate visiting, I was there this year, and they will come over to the UK next year.

Firstly and importantly you’ve done a grand job as a parent raising a son who has the confidence to be independent and follow his dreams.
My son went to Australia in 2017 when he was 25 on an 18 month secondment from work and never returned. He’s now got citizenship.
We do miss him, particularly during big family events but take heart that’s he’s happy and doing what he wants to do.
We do go across regularly and he comes here. We probably see each other in person every year or so.
WhatsApp and FaceTime is a life saver. We set up a family WhatsApp group and we just share mundane every day stuff.

He’s done amazingly well for himself and seems very focussed.
I think it will be a big adjustment for you all. It’s good you can afford to visit, or pay for him to come home (cheaper to pay for 1 flight rather than 5).

That's so lovely! I am the child in this scenario - my husband and I immigrated to Scotland (from the states) just after we got married. We kept telling everyone we were going to move overseas and no one believed it so were slightly shocked. Originally we were on a 3 year work visa but we extended it and eventually got citizenship and had our children here.

It's definitely a challenge in ways you wouldn't expect but at his age it's not exactly a permanent plan yet so I'd just take it a couple years at a time and figure it out as you go. We go back to the states every year or 2 (covid was the worst as we didn't see our parents for 3+ years but surely that was an unusual situation!) and all our parents come over here once a year. Facetime has been an absolute blessing for us - my parents and inlaws read stories to the kids every week and they keep in touch that way. That's actually getting harder now that the kids are older but it has been a good few years of it. Figuring out what to move into now that they're past the story age.

I think it's amazing that your son is this focussed and motivated at 20 - what a wonderful example of sticking to a goal!

"Terrified" is a very strong reaction. This young man sounds wonderful - organised, committed, hard-working. He will have an amazing life in Canada and he won't need his parents at all. Which is absolutely how it should be, so congratulations to all concerned (and Christmas is just a day, after all).

He’s 20 and focused. Let him breathe. Do not visit in December - wait until he invites you. Until then continue being the brilliant and supportive parent you are 💐

My daughter moved to China after uni and is now starting her third year there. It's been the absolute making of her and she's built herself a great life there, one that she wouldn't be able to achieve here doing the same work (sadly). She travels independently all over Asia without batting an eyelid, and has grown into a savvy, confident young woman who I am immeasurably proud of.
I was terrified when she first left but she had to learn to solve problems herself and grew up very quickly. I don't think she'll be back anytime soon, the world is her oyster right now and I can't say I blame her, the UK doesn't make life easy for young people.

All three of mine left the country for university and only one came back! I miss them, of course, but I feel I did my job bringing up responsible, successful adults. They're now all married with children and we see each other when possible. I will admit that my daughters are much better at keeping in touch than my son. Maybe it's just him, but he doesn't go in for regular chatty texts, sending random photos etc. He just doesn't see the need. I've adapted to that too. I lived abroad for many years and my parents never complained. I knew they missed us, especially the children but they cultivated their own busy lives. I was very grateful for their understanding.

Surely you don’t just accept that you and your son are never going to see one another again?

he may not be able to afford to visit now but as time goes on, I’m sure he’ll be able to?! @Ilovegerardway