Son moving abroad

[gunnermartin]

My 20 year old son has said from age 10 that he wants to live as an adult in Canada since we visited when he was 10.

He has gone to college to specialise in a trade, learnt another language on the side of this (French) as he wants to live in Canada.

He got a job after college in his trade for his work experience and has saved and saved money.

He has now been approved for a working holiday for a year and has a job lined up etc and they have offered him to leave in December to go over. He has accepted.

I am so excited for him, but I am also terrified. It will also be our first Christmas ever without him. He has made an online friendship base online in Canada in the hopes he would one day get over there so he has people in the area he’s going.

I have fully advocated for him going all the years he has wanted to as if I was his age I would get out of this county as well. Now it’s here I’m having a silent meltdown about the massive change it will be after having him around full time for 20 years but I’m also so excited he’s made it happen with lots of hard work.

Has anyone else’s kids moved far away? Have they had kids? What’s it like being a parent/ grandparent when they’re all in another country. How often do you go over to visit?

I am having a silent meltdown but in front of him I’m being super excited for him 🤣🤣🤣🤣

Im so worried if he needs me over there (which he does a lot over here) we aren’t down the road, but like my husband is saying it will do him well with becoming a proper adult.

I'm a Brit living in Quebec

Sounds like he's got his head on his shoulders tbh

Where is he headed?

Not quite as far, but my son moved from one end of the country to the other. We still have a regular once-a-week face time session that lasts one to two hours. I say face- time. I say FaceTime, he puts his phone on the table and we just chat to him, so we don’t actually see him, and our phone is pointing towards the dog!

Well, what am I supposed to do? I can’t see a time when we will have the money for me to get a return ticket to Australia. My youngest child has only just turned 5 as well, dh has to work. I have other children too.

It breaks my heart but what should I do, guilt trip him? He wants to go and start a new life, he’s got a great opportunity with his work. You don’t really think about your parents when you are young and wanting to create a life for yourself. Spending a lot of money to come back home won’t be his top priority.

Time isn’t on my side with my vision or my health either.

My point was… he can’t afford it now
but if he stays and progresses, as one would expect given he’s 22, then I’m sure in the future he will visit

I’m Canadian and I moved from Canada to the UK for my English husband 10 years ago when I was in my mid twenties. We now have children and I wouldn’t ever move back to Canada (mainly due to cost of living being extortionate there and a much better work/life balance here.) It’s hard being away from family, and it definitely is hard on my mum being so far away. We see each other on WhatsApp video weekly and we all take turns visiting which means the fleeting visits you would have if you lived close turn into longer joint vacations which actually makes the time you share really special.

OP as a Mum who had one son in Vancouver and another in Australia I absolutely get it. We visited Vancouver and I am going to Australia in a few weeks to see my other son.
Son is now back in UK from Vancouver.
Technology is your friend but it doesn’t replace their physical presence and hugs !
I will say it does get easier and just knowing they are happy,healthy and enjoying life makes it ok.
You can do this 💪just drum it in that phone calls and pics will make you a happy Mum.

Well done on raising a confident capable boy!

My son moved to Sweden five years ago and will remain in Europe for the foreseeable future, rather than return to the UK.

We see each other once or twice per year, with chats and videos in between, and it works out well. We have always had a close relationship, but I have just got used to us being far apart - he has his own life and is busy with his career, and I can't be a major part of that, which is more or less as it should be.

It's a wrench when saying goodbye after a visit, of course, but things soon settle down again. As long as he's ok and happy, that's enough for me.

Best of luck to you all!

You've done a great job. It's the end of an era for you so understandably you'll be sad about that . My child moved abroad too, best thing that they did. Technology makes life easy. We have a family video call once a week so we are all still connected and we see each other when we can (the thought of it is far worse than the reality honestly)

I've been the child and the parent in this scenario, having moved to a different country at age 21. It will be an adjustment for him as well as you, but my biggest advice would be to never make him feel guilty about pursuing his dreams. In private of course you can be sad and miss him like crazy, but make sure he knows that you love him and will always be there for him but that you are managing just fine without him!

Now my child who is in their early 20s lives in a city that's a 3 hour flight away. It's hard but they are making their life there and doing well. It is a lot easier these days than it was when I was that age because at least now you have texts and Facetime. But take your son's lead for how often you communicate. Don't make him feel pressured to constantly be in touch. It is often only every two weeks or so that we get to Facetime with our child, but they are wonderful conversations!

Unlike a PP, I would very much suggest NOT arranging for a surprise visit! I would have hated that and I'm sure my child now would hate it. Instead, get excited together about any visits.

Dear OP,

What an amazing mum you are to have raised a young man able to be so focused and able to achieve what he wants.

On one level this is the great test of a parent - loving them enough to make them able to fly the nest despite that love wishing them close by forever. It’s a paradox.

I think some kind of counseling maybe a bit like grief counseling might be useful. This is a huge loss for you and it needs a new approach to life and a reassessment, maybe, of who you are now and how you move forward.
I have two still at home & don’t want the older one to leave while wanting him to leave when he’s ready.
I still have a strong physical sense of their being small and in my arms and it’s still a wrench at moments, I miss them physically being small.
Motherhood is a very physical thing, they are part of us aren’t they and yet we need to let them go.
All the best to you and I’m sure you will fill your life with new things.

My son is at university in Canada. He loves it. I'm not going to say it's not hard but it becomes the new normal quite quickly. The time difference is not that bad and we can usually be in touch quite easily if needed.

I will say that he went with giant stars in his eyes about how this would probably be the start of a wonderful new life in a new place but quite quickly he has realised that nowhere is really that different and everywhere has issues! As I say, he really loves it but it's not the idealised utopia he'd thought it would be so you never know how they're going to respond to somewhere!

Good luck - he sounds brilliant to have made it all happen which will serve him well in life wherever he ends up.

Having been the child in this situation, I agree with @TheNightingalesStarling. Respect the fact that your child has a life outside, that they will need to work when you visit, and be independent.

My parents’ first visit to me when I was 22 nearly destroyed our relationship, due to my mother’s inability to respect boundaries and understand that I was an adult. They became controlling - my Mum rearranged my entire flat, were critical of my way of life, my friends. They were incapable of doing anything on their own (and these were two extremely well travelled people), and I would come back from work some days to find that they had never left the flat. We got things back onto a better footing just before they left (with several huge rows), and when they visited the next year (when I had moved countries), they were booked on trips and had an itinerary for every day that I wasn’t working, which made life much easier.

I've a son living abroad. IME Christmas is not the best time to visit unless they're going to be alone otherwise, very busy and expensive. At least it's a country you can visit. If my son gets the job he's after he'll spend 8 months in Iraq.

Good for him. If reform take over the country it will be horrendous. If you love, send him to a decent country where people don't think like morons.

I’m the child in this scenario. I met my French husband at 19 and always planned to move to France. I did so as soon as my master’s degree ended, at 22. I am now 39 and have lived in France and the Netherlands to date. We now have 2 children and don’t foresee us ever returning to the U.K. to live permanently (a 6-month stint in 2020 for work confirmed this!). My parents are retired and visit often, and we visit them too. I’d say we see each other at least every 2 months. There’s social media and video calls in between as well. Obviously you can’t see each other as much with the distance between the U.K. and Canada but keeping in contact shouldn’t be too difficult. Wishing your son all the best!

@gunnermartin given the learning of French (good for him!) I’m assuming he will be in Eastern Canada? It’s a beautiful part of Canada and also much close to us, with a relatively short flight to get there.

A heads-up about Alberta, should he be planning on going there - it’s a very, very different province, politically. My cousin’s son has moved there from the East, and has become fully ‘integrated’ into the politics, and is now a firm supporter of Trump, and believes that Canada should become the 51st US state!

My boy moved to Toronto 12 years ago. Yes, I was gutted, I did cry a lot and felt bereft - It was soooo hard. But, he has thrived, I love Canada too and I always told him that I didn't own him and he must do what he feels is right for him, not live with guilt over what I would have wanted. I have only just recently told him how much I do miss him but I wouldn't want it to change (unless he wants it). Canada is amazing, feels generally safe, accepting and as my son says, no 'chav' element. People are usually so kind and I have visited many times, even for a long weekend. I also have a very close step son who now lives in China. He has a child now and I think he will stay and possibly move to Hong Kong, so one either side of the planet! Yes, not my first choice but it's not my life. You will always miss him but what would you prefer??? Him staying to please you?? I mean that with kindness.