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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

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46 replies

Nzmumnz · 27/08/2025 05:44

My son has told me he and his girlfriend of a year are moving to Australia then on to her home country of Ireland. I’m not coping well at all. We are extremely close and I never expected to be facing this. He is selling his home, rehoming pets, leaving a good job, she has given him 6 months to finish his studies and be ready to go. I’m devastated she has said she hates it here, there will be no coming back.I got well with her, when they met I asked if nz was now her home, she said Yes. I now know it was never her plan to stay here. I feel anger toward her.. why get into a relationship with someone half a world away? He is a people pleaser in relationships and she is calling the shots. He knows I’m upset but I try to hide it from him. I feel like I’m grieving, the loss of my only son (I have a daughter also) the loss of future grandchildren. I feel like this feeling of heartbreak will never leave me.

OP posts:

rubyslippers · 27/08/2025 05:47

Is he happy?
New Zealand is very far away. You can’t just nip there so I get that sadness
BUT you sound really angry about her - like she’s taken your child away
maybe he knows you don’t like her … sounds like he’s made his decision and if you want to keep any form of relationship you have to make your peace with it

Earthbound4 · 27/08/2025 05:48

I moved away for years and have lived abroad for half of my adult life.

I would wish my son well and hope he enjoys his life.

I don’t understand how anyone could find their adult children living their lives in a different country devastating.

Sorry I can offer no advice but I am sorry you feel like this and hopefully you will visit them often.

Anger towards the GF is also not good you need to hide this and try and work on letting go of this anger.

GreenAndWhiteStripes · 27/08/2025 05:51

I can understand why you are upset OP. It's not what you had envisaged, you will miss your son (and possibly future grandchildren).

But it's his life and his decision. Wish them all the best, keep in touch with FaceTime etc, make plans to visit.

Lafufufu · 27/08/2025 05:57

Are you in the uk or NZ?
Australia to NZ isnt such a big deal.
Uk to Ireland isnt such a big deal either.

Younger generations are facing an employment crisis you likely cant fathom. Most of my family in Ireland have had to emigrate and several are in Australia. People are leaving London for other countries (ME and asia). All my Irish family planned to move back some have/ many haven't.

New Zealand is particular is very rough if you are under 40 and have no generational wealth. Id likely be looking at emigrating too.

My advice:

Get Into therapy
Do not express any of this to them.
directly unless you want to blow up your relationship
You should try and sit twitch it and see it from their pov (,empathy exercise)
look at how you could accommodate a close relationship by being flexible on your side. (Video calls, relocating In retirement or working from home abroad and visiting.

Your feelings re extreme but aren't unreasonable / are understandable.
For yourself/ your future you do need to closely manage those feelings so as it not blow the relationship up.
Remember no one knows what the future holds....

myfavouritemutant · 27/08/2025 06:06

NZ presumably from the username and NZ to Ireland is a long way.

I’m sorry op, it is tough. She may have genuinely meant it when you asked her about NZ being home, or at least wanted to mean it. try not to blame her, because it really could damage your relationship with your son. Put on a fake smile, wish them well and focus on having a great relationship with them, wherever they are.

Original poster

Nzmumnz · 27/08/2025 06:15

I’ve always got on very well with her and kept my feelings hidden. He has told me about issues in the relationship which makes me worry more. She delivered an ultimatum she was leaving with or without him. He’s giving up everything a home, job and support system. I feel in my gut he’s making a mistake and having trouble shaking it off.

OP posts:

Thortour · 27/08/2025 06:27

Sorry OP. Has he ever been to Ireland? I would just give him the space to do what he needs to do. Things could change.
If they don't then Ireland is a lovely place to visit and bring up children.

CleanShirt · 27/08/2025 06:29

Sorry OP but he's a grown man and can make his own decisions. You can't hate his girlfriend for that.

WonderingWanda · 27/08/2025 06:33

Nzmumnz · 27/08/2025 06:15

You have to let him make that mistake. They've only been together a year. It might not last the move to Australia. Also once he gets to Ireland he might not like it.....no offence to Ireland but similar to NZ Ireland is quite sparsely populated, he might wonder why he moved there. How old is he? I would just view it as him going travelling for now....anything could happen. It's not like they are already married with kids and making that move together. Just tell him you will always be there for him. And when you visit in Australia....rave about how great it is in the hope he stays a but nearer to home.

chatgptsbestmate · 27/08/2025 06:33

Your son has made the decision that his future is with this woman. Its not HER fault. She is simply advocating for herself and setting her own boundaries

If I were you, I'd try very very hard to stay calm and explain to him that you'll miss him and you'll always be here for him should he need anything at any time

Don't make him feel guilty for his choice

pilates · 27/08/2025 06:39

You need to put on a brave face and be happy for your son. He is an adult and you need to let him live his life how he wants. Just be there for him if it goes tits up.

IfWeMakeItThroughTheEyeOfTheStorm · 27/08/2025 06:40

Be happy for him. If it doesn’t work out, he can always come back and you can visit each other and talk on FaceTime. You’re not ‘losing’ him, he is not dying, he is living his life.

Rehoming pets though, I couldn’t do that. 😢

Shewasafaireh · 27/08/2025 06:45

My best friend moved from the UK to NZ almost straight out of uni because she met someone from there. 15 years on they’re still together and very happy.

Be supportive and if it doesn’t work out, he can always come back.

Evaka · 27/08/2025 06:47

I know it's hard but your reaction is huge and could damage the relationship so tread carefully.

Agree with others that it might help to talk to a counsellor to make sense of your feelings.

My family (Irish) is scattered across the US, UK, Canada and Oz. We all work very hard to keep in touch, save up for visits and use WhatsApp and facetime for meaningful chats and seeing each other's homes, lives, babies etc. It's so exciting when there's a big visit planned, we all count down the days ❤️

Hope you can find some peace x

Purpleturtle45 · 27/08/2025 07:00

I can understand why this is so upsetting for you. He is an adult though and has to make his own decisions (even if they are mistakes). If you are negative towards it you will just create a you against them scenario where he might be more likely to stick it out to prove people wrong.

The one thing he shouldn't do unless he is 💯 in his new home is have kids as he is then tied to that place forever and even if it doesn't work out, couldn't go back to NZ.

I hope it works out, but as a parent of a child with mental health issues, I just want them to be happy, wherever that may be.

SALaw · 27/08/2025 07:00

Isn’t this a tale as old as time? Unless you are from a Native family, at some point you or your ancestors also said goodbye to family and travelled to New Zealand for a new life, and quite possibly then never returned and lost touch with some or all people. Staying in touch is so much easier now. We can be sad about children moving away but they don’t owe us their presence. Let go of anger and don’t make the situation worse with your attitude.

WifeOfAGemini · 27/08/2025 07:13

I’d be devastated too. My db moved away - not as far as your son. My mum never got over it, she adored him. The truth was - and even worse my mum eventually saw it - that my db didn’t really care about her that much. She was his childhood, not his future and he wasn’t interested in keeping her in his life other than the occasional holiday and phone call.

By contrast: my mum and I were very close, especially after my db left as she missed him so much. She moved closer to me - and lived in the next street, I spoke to her every day and saw her most days. She was my best and most beloved friend as well as my mum. I doubt that would have happened if my db had stayed in London as she would have wanted to split her time between us.

I can’t offer you any words of consolation but I hope you’ll find a way to come to terms with this.

MissyB1 · 27/08/2025 07:22

So they are moving to Australia for a year first is that right? Then the plan is to move to Ireland after that? The relationship might not even get as far as the Ireland plan. Your best bet now is to maintain close contact with him, be supportive and make it clear you will always be there for him no matter how things turn out.
I think it’s pretty common for young people to leave NZ though isn’t it?

EvolvedAlready · 27/08/2025 07:26

An ultimatum…… nah, let that play out. Keep your opinions to yourself and let him follow this through until he sees that maybe this isn’t what he wants, he just can’t think for himself right now, she doing it for him.

TryingAgainAgainAgain · 27/08/2025 07:26

How old is he? And what stage of studying is he that she's giving him an ultimatum to be finished in 6 months?

BilbaoBaggage · 27/08/2025 07:27

She delivered an ultimatum she was leaving with or without him.

She is leaving. He has chosen to go with her.
The angrier you get about his choice, the further you will push him away. He is living his life, not yours.

Original poster

Nzmumnz · 27/08/2025 07:33

He is 27. She’s 29. He is finishing an apprenticeship and has approximately 6-8 months to go.

OP posts:

WhatNoRaisins · 27/08/2025 07:40

I think least worst option for you is to find a way to appear happy and encouraging for him whilst processing your grief elsewhere. I'd be really devastated at this and I don't even live near my family, your feelings aren't wrong.

Pipsquiggle · 27/08/2025 07:50

So they are going travelling and will end up in Ireland?

That doesn't sound too bad

AbzMoz · 27/08/2025 07:54

I really think that life moves in chapters - your DS is entering his next one. It is sad but true that can’t expect your children to remain in your home country (or even home town), even if you might hope it. YBQU to direct your anger towards her (or either of them tbh) and especially to churn up any past issues. They’ve determined a plan for their future - let them both crack on with it.

I also reject the tone of PPs implying he needs to learn from his own mistakes. Nooo… he deserves to live his own life and have his own experiences. ‘I told you so’ is a smug attitude and means you’ll see every niggle (there will be many) as a reason to jump on the ‘well you shouldn’t have gone’ line…

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