Broken

[Nzmumnz]

My son has told me he and his girlfriend of a year are moving to Australia then on to her home country of Ireland. I’m not coping well at all. We are extremely close and I never expected to be facing this. He is selling his home, rehoming pets, leaving a good job, she has given him 6 months to finish his studies and be ready to go. I’m devastated she has said she hates it here, there will be no coming back.I got well with her, when they met I asked if nz was now her home, she said Yes. I now know it was never her plan to stay here. I feel anger toward her.. why get into a relationship with someone half a world away? He is a people pleaser in relationships and she is calling the shots. He knows I’m upset but I try to hide it from him. I feel like I’m grieving, the loss of my only son (I have a daughter also) the loss of future grandchildren. I feel like this feeling of heartbreak will never leave me.

Relationships based on ultimatums rarely make it long term. He'll be back. However, you need to let go of the apron. The moment you give birth to children, you need to accept that they might decide to live very far away when adults. In my case it's my daughter. Not what I would choose but I'm delighted she has grown to be an independent adult confident to embrace the whole world. She is living her life for her own happiness not mine.

Mum is in NZ, I think.

OP, Australia is a short flight away from NZ. He has time to have a think and work out if it's what he wants. Ireland is not the end of the world.
It's incredibly hard, I realise but he has to find his own feet and tbh mourning the loss of GDC he might never have is a bit OTT.
He needs an adventure, he may well come home.

I think they’re based, currently, in NZ.

Oh OP I do understand, I'd be devastated if my adult children moved to the other side of the world 💔 it's ok to tell him you'll miss him dreadfully but please don't show anger towards his girlfriend or make him feel guilty - it could ruin your relationship forever. Try and be happy for him that he is making a life for himself with someone he loves and start saving so you can visit them when they are settled!

Have you the money and the space for him to come back to you? If so, if it all goes wrong he's not stuck. But he's an adult, he'll lead his own life and that's how it should be.

This does make it a bit different. I was imagining a guy of 21 or 22 just finishing uni. You really have to trust him to make his own decision to join her. That doesn't make it easier on you missing him, but your doubts about their relationship really need to be left out of this. He's very much a grown man.

How is your relationship with your daughter?

I’m very close with both of them. Reading all the replies has been good. I need to manage my emotions and just be as supportive as I can. The last thing I want is to break our bond. So I’ll put on a happy face and accept his decisions. Thank you ❤️

That's good, @Nzmumnz. I'm NZ/UK dual and it's always hard.

Obviously it's normal to be sad that your son's emigrating, but YABVU to blame his girlfriend for this. They're adults in a relationship. She's done nothing wrong.

I got well with her, when they met I asked if nz was now her home, she said Yes. I now know it was never her plan to stay here.

I understand why you are upset, but that is rather unfair. People make all sorts of decisions, think they are for the best / the long-term, then realise those decisions do not make them happy. Assuming that you aren't Maori, you or someone in your family made a similar decision and left their family behind in (probably) Europe. They no doubt felt the same sadness.

How are OP's ancestors' choices relevant? That could easily be 150 years ago.

Assuming it was ancestors, it was still exactly the same choice - to uproot, leave family and take a risk. That is the nature of people since the early days of evolution. Assuming that the GF upped stakes from Ireland and went to NZ like some siren aiming to snare her son is hardly fair. She undoubtedly thought that NZ would be her forever home and it didn't work out like that. She has been fair and said that she doesn't want to stay and she cannot be convinced otherwise. It is the son's choice and his alone whether he wants to make that same leap - which equally may or may not be a mistake. As it has been for everyone who has ever made it.

Assuming it was ancestors, it was still exactly the same choice - to uproot, leave family and take a risk.

It wasn’t as much a choice as survival in many cases.

My 25 year old son told me today that he’s moving to USA next year. I live in UK.

I will miss him terribly (but visit frequently)

However, I am not “broken” or bereft. I love my son with all my heart and am incredibly proud of him. I’m also a long term singleton.

It really isn’t healthy to be this distraught OP or to be this dependent on other people for your happiness.

Tell him it sounds exciting and you hope everything goes swimmingly. Try to broaden your own life and think of how you can facilitate as many visits as possible.

He doesn’t owe you grandchildren or a life lived for your sake. 💐

Our children are only ours for a short time. There’s always a chance they could settle elsewhere.
It is sad for you, I appreciate that. Neither one of them has done anything wrong though.

Goodness, that's a lot of embroidery, @PhilippaGeorgiou!

It’s all you can do.
Try your best to be happy for him, but be there in case it all falls apart.

Ah - so the OP is a Moari then? It was her that queried the new GF about her intentions of staying in NZ permanently, and then claimed that she had lied about her intentions.

This. How on earth is this an ultimatum? She’s young and has decided she wants to travel and live in at least 2 other countries, and has decided that it’s more important than staying in nz with or without the ops son. She has given him the option of joining her, and has given him a timeline of her plans so he can finish whatever course he’s currently studying. He doesn’t have to go. She’s doing nothing wrong other than living her life.

A what? Again, more embroidery. It’s an odd hobby, this projecting onto and embellishing OPs’ situations.