To have gone to CMS when he agrees to pay for their school stuff?

[Rainbows41]

Not with kids dad anymore. He was very abusive when together, but still tries to control me now.
Since split, 13 yrs ago, he has always refused to give me a penny in child maintenance, instead only offering to pay anything school related. CMS at the time of the split said this isn't something I have to accept and to go for CM application, but I was just happy not to have any more upset from him so was happy to accept his proposed arrangement.

I will add that roughly five years ago I had opted to go through the CMS route, and he laughed at me as he told me he was on UC so I wouldn't be entitled to anything. This turned out to be rue and CMS offered me nil, due to his income being UC and him having kids with current partner who reside with him. He then offered me one last chance to cancel the CMS application and to continue with his former agreement of paying for whatever the kids needed for school - which was at the time their uniforms, the odd school trip, and their bus passes, all of which didn't equate to more than £800 a year. I felt my hands were somewhat tied and agreed.
Literally within weeks, he set up a seemingly lucrative business and I felt he had planned this all along, I shook my head and continued.

Fast forward to now.
He has gotten increasingly mentally abusive still trying to control me, and lately my children too. One of my children now wants nothing to do with him, as his controlling behaviour with them has spiralled. In light of this I didn't want to continue asking him for money for uniforms (which is what I always have to do every time they need something for school), what with it being the start of the new school year again, so I have decided to go back to CMS and to stick with them whatever the outcome!
Up until now, every time they needed something school related, I felt he got a kick out of "providing" for his kids each time I had to ask for something. He always wanted me to prove whatever was needed and to justify the amount spent on that specific thing. I hated it. Aswell as this, he has always paraded himself as the more caring parent Infront of the kids, telling them that he is the one who pays for their school stuff, and mum doesn't, as though I don't care!? When infact this was an arrangement between us parents.
Overall, he has done very little and has squirmed almost every time he has had to put his hand in his pocket and I am not doing it anymore. I want nothing to do with him and this is the one last thing he is using to manipulate me with.
Today he sent the kids messages on their phones telling them "mum has decided to go back to CMS and as a result, he won't be paying for their phone contracts anymore". He sounded rather cheery in his tone, I must admit. So I fully expect that he has somehow lied to CMS about his income this time. Either way, im sticking with my decision this time, whatever the outcome is.

AIBU to have gone and cut contact with him and gone back to CMS?

It’s a bit jumbled
you say that CMS advised you to go via CMS
you say you didn’t

then you say 5 years ago, you did
it turns out zero because on benefits (still has to pay though)

how old are your children

And by the sounds of it… he has been paying for things

dont get me wrong, he sounds like a twat

but it sounds like there’s been something of an informal arrangement for many years?

It all sounds ghastly
I can’t understand why you didn’t go back to CMS years ago

the children must in their teens now?

I see what you mean, I have just edited my post to read a bit clearer.

I don’t think you’re unreasonable at all. Hopefully they will see through his attempts to hide his income at CMS, but if they don’t then you will have to balance peace of mind against not getting money for kids phones and school equipment.
Only you know how much being rid of him and his controlling ways is worth to you.

I suspect he will lie about his income from the business. Can you manage without his money?

How old are your children & how often does he see them?

How long have the phone contracts got to run?Aren't most of them for 2 years, that he will have had to sign up to and pay on DD?
Anyway, I think you've done the right thing because now you never have to speak to him again.

Exactly. I have worked so very hard for every thing I have achieved and he is still bitter and somewhat jealous of that, which both baffles me and scares me.
He is very manipulative.
I have relinquished his control, which sets me free from his grip. This freedom is worth so much more to me than any amount of money CMS may or may not award.

The whole mob phone thing is another piece of his mindgame puzzle. I will pay for anything related to my children no matter what, but looking back, he actually purchased their mobile phones as gifts for either Christmas or birthdays and has been completely separate to any agreement he and I had.
Do I put this to him? Or do I suck it up as another thing he is using to try and control?

You should have stuck with the original CMS claim and if nothing else it stymies his income for the next 18 years.

Yes, I can manage, but morally I shouldn't have to whilst he is in a position to cover their actual costs which include living costs, not just school fees. By parading himself around the way he does and making out that he does way more than he actually does, is taking away anything and everything I have done for my children. It goes without saying that I have fed and clothed them on my own with no help from him for well over a decade, as well as giving them pocket money and making sure they have everything they need. So, it boils my blood when he does the bare minimum and uses that to manipulate the narrative.
If he wants to behave like the doting father who would do anything for his children, then he can jolly well act like it. I don't expect CMS will award anything much, judging by his former efforts to blindsight them, but I will be damned if he thinks he can continue to look down at me and that all of what I do is nothing.
Someqy say I'm cutting my nose off despite my face, but I see it as cutting ties. Putting a final end to his controlling behaviour. Him thinking he still owns part of me.
I'd rather get nothing than to let that continue.

Putting a final end to his controlling behaviour. Him thinking he still owns part of me.
I'd rather get nothing than to let that continue.

You last sentence is the best way to look at it.

He has been controlling for so long as you have allowed him to control you, although I understand why.

Now you dont need to bend over backwards for the crumbs he deigns to throw, so you wont. He will HATE it. Probably go nuts at you and start trying to emotionally manipulate this kids, its already started with the phone contracts. Have think about what he can take off the kids to try and get you to fold.

Firstly, phones. A sim only contract can easily be had for less than £10 a month, usually cheaper if you go via your broadband provider and family deals (such as the sky one) where you can share data between the family can be good. Then as long as they have handsets, the sims are switched and he is out of the picture on that.

Treats, holidays etc? Does he spend on those for them? Will be threaten to not see the child who is still seeing him? All you can do there is tell them the truth. Sounds like they are teenagers and one has got his number already. I had to do the same with mine when they were teens (my eldest two) and they understood and were disgusted with him. When he raised his head again some years later, they were over 18, they both told him to sling his hook. Of course I had turned them against him.....until DD told him in no uncertain terms that HE had turned them against him, I had been far kinder about him than he deserved. Never heard from him again.

Oh Pyongy your situation sounds particularly similar to mine. Sounds like you're a lovely strong woman and have done your best for your children.
Thank you for your advice. It's nice to know I'm not going down the wrong route.
Regards R

You're doing the right thing, taking control of your own life & peace. He's not worth the stress!

Perfect 😌
Thank you all x

the only word of warning I would give is that he is likely to get worse before he backs off. Google "Extinction burst" if you are not familiar with the term. Its basically the ramping up of behaviour that has always had the desired effect in the past when the victim refuses to accept it anymore. Its very common in abusive people when the victim fights back.

Think of a toddler having a massive tantrum when they want something and the parent giving in out of deperation. The child learns that the tantrum gets what they want. When the parents says "Enough, this has to stop" and decides to hold fast to teach new lessons the tantrums getting louder, longer and more frequent as they try to force the old pattern to continue. This is the part where it is crucial not to give in as it reinforces the old pattern.

His reward is control over you, knowing that you have to beg him for anything and makes him feel big and clever. By removing the reward (the control) he will have nothing feeding him (look up Narcissist Supply) so will go to virtually any lengths to get you back in your box. Hold fast, it will be worth it.

How old are your teens OP?

Why?

Really?

because if they’re 17 and 19, hardly worth it

cut contact with him and gone back to CMS?

CMS is made for toxic relationships like this

Id say to your kids. Mobiles arent a necessity, these were gifts from your dad and sadly if he doesnt want to keep paying the contract he can do that youll need to talk to him about it.

I wouldnt get into any of the CMS stuff with them. He cant make you pay the contract, if the kids are under 18 legally theyre his handset which he may or may not have paid off and his contracts that he may need to pay, cancel whatever.

If you want to give them phones thats up to you. Id advise speaking about him as little as possible to the kids and supporting their choices. Id give this man as little attention as possible

Well obviously I wouldn't be bothering if they were those ages!

Are they old enough that he could reasonably be expected to make his own arrangements with them regarding contact?

If so, continuing the phone contracts is more in his interests than it is in yours.

I think you're absolutely doing the right thing OP. He can't evade CMS forever, but even if you do end up with nothing from him for a bit then freedom is priceless. I wonder if he's holding it over the kids too, to make them see him. 'I pay for school and phones so you owe me' type of thing? They may well decide not to see him given the choice.

Yes, this the main reason he got them their phones. All contact is arranged through the children.