To have gone to CMS when he agrees to pay for their school stuff?

[Rainbows41]

Not with kids dad anymore. He was very abusive when together, but still tries to control me now.
Since split, 13 yrs ago, he has always refused to give me a penny in child maintenance, instead only offering to pay anything school related. CMS at the time of the split said this isn't something I have to accept and to go for CM application, but I was just happy not to have any more upset from him so was happy to accept his proposed arrangement.

I will add that roughly five years ago I had opted to go through the CMS route, and he laughed at me as he told me he was on UC so I wouldn't be entitled to anything. This turned out to be rue and CMS offered me nil, due to his income being UC and him having kids with current partner who reside with him. He then offered me one last chance to cancel the CMS application and to continue with his former agreement of paying for whatever the kids needed for school - which was at the time their uniforms, the odd school trip, and their bus passes, all of which didn't equate to more than £800 a year. I felt my hands were somewhat tied and agreed.
Literally within weeks, he set up a seemingly lucrative business and I felt he had planned this all along, I shook my head and continued.

Fast forward to now.
He has gotten increasingly mentally abusive still trying to control me, and lately my children too. One of my children now wants nothing to do with him, as his controlling behaviour with them has spiralled. In light of this I didn't want to continue asking him for money for uniforms (which is what I always have to do every time they need something for school), what with it being the start of the new school year again, so I have decided to go back to CMS and to stick with them whatever the outcome!
Up until now, every time they needed something school related, I felt he got a kick out of "providing" for his kids each time I had to ask for something. He always wanted me to prove whatever was needed and to justify the amount spent on that specific thing. I hated it. Aswell as this, he has always paraded himself as the more caring parent Infront of the kids, telling them that he is the one who pays for their school stuff, and mum doesn't, as though I don't care!? When infact this was an arrangement between us parents.
Overall, he has done very little and has squirmed almost every time he has had to put his hand in his pocket and I am not doing it anymore. I want nothing to do with him and this is the one last thing he is using to manipulate me with.
Today he sent the kids messages on their phones telling them "mum has decided to go back to CMS and as a result, he won't be paying for their phone contracts anymore". He sounded rather cheery in his tone, I must admit. So I fully expect that he has somehow lied to CMS about his income this time. Either way, im sticking with my decision this time, whatever the outcome is.

AIBU to have gone and cut contact with him and gone back to CMS?

Well this is it. Time will surely tell.

Actually I see exactly where you are coming from.

If you don’t claim through CSA he gets to play martyr with physical items (uniform/phones) whilst controlling behind the scenes.

If you go through CMS he will stop that. It doesn’t matter to you if you get much or not but it removes his control and manipulation and all that’s left is for him to say he won’t provide that as he pays CM. Not a good look for a man who wants the world to think he’s father no 1!!!!

He won’t be able to pull out of phone contracts either so if he’s a knob enough to take them back he’ll still be paying!

DD had recently gone NC with her dad due to him being nasty towards her. I told her a few things about what he was like with me when we were together, which has put her off him altogether. My intention was to explain the ways in which he twists things and how he can turn against people when he doesn't get what he wants. I have been very careful about not telling the kids things from when we were together, as I don't want them thinking they are being used as pawns and played off against their parents - I will do anything to protect them and firmly believes they should always make up their own minds about things. I believed they would see their dad for what he is when they grow older, which they are starting to see.
He messaged her yesterday asking if she would like to come over and see her step siblings, as they miss her, and offered to be out of the house if she didn't want to see him.
Obviously I know this is a tactic to get her to feel sorry for him. I don't know what she said to him in reply, but she agreed to go over one day later this week.
She is currently at a sleepover with one of her friends. I spoke to her last night and she told me dad wanted to call her (this was after agreeing to go and see her step siblings). She says she was anxious about what he was going to say, and worried he was going to start making her feel bad and start shouting at her (like he always does). I said she didn't need to actually speak to him if she didn't want to, and that she could ask him to text instead, if she was happy to. She said she would have the phonecall and brave whatever he wanted to say to her.
She didn't contact me again last night. So I rang her this morning to check on her and she told me the phonecall went very badly. Her dad blew up at her, talking badly about me (like he always does) and went as far as to deny some of the things she found out about what he had done when we were together in a relationship. He apparently swore on their lives that it wasn't true. He then started crying and saying he was going to throw himself under a bus!

What kind of parent does that??
I'm now livid he is playing with my DD's mind and going to such disgusting lengths to try and control her. This is disgusting behaviour. I wish I could stop it! I want to tell DD to cut contact completely but I don't want to be that parent who denies them access. But giving his abusive turn, I feel I may have to.
Who should I contact about this? I need legal advice or social services or something. This is way beyond me.

Unfortunately it takes time for them to realise they are better off without them and that is at the expense of a relationship with any half/step siblings. My DD cut her dad off last year at age 13. He used to do strange things to her & claim it was just a joke. We have tried to keep contact with her half sister but after 1 visit in 20 months with every contact to try and see sis causing upset/stress to my DD, she cut him off. It's not easy for them

I think you're absolutely right to keep any interaction with him via the CMS. The money isn't worth as much as your peace of mind without his controlling behaviour. The less contact you have the better.

And I'm so sorry to hear what he's doing to your DD. It's a horrible moment when you realise they're carrying on the behaviour with your kids. But I think you're doing the right thing by teaching her boundaries and strategies for dealing with him. I've done the same with my kids because he won't be the only emotionally abusive person they will encounter and they need to know how to recognise and combat it.

I did contact social services when DD was still seeing her dad because of the strange things he was doing. They didn't really do much in our case but I think your kids might be younger than teens so worth asking their advice

With this sort of person, the reason he’s trying to get you away from CMS is because he is better off in the world where he buys uniform and stationery than the world where he has to properly contribute towards the total cost of raising two children. So persevere.

Yes, he may lie to CMS but that will be an annoyance to him. And if he withdraws all financial support to his kids because you’re exercising your right to financial support from THEIR DAD then that just shows his personality. And he can no longer pretend to the kids that he cares enough to pay for their school stuff and does so much for them as he has withdrawn all support just because you wanted a formal arrangement to which you’re entitled!

Thank you, it's good to know I'm doing the right thing.
She will be home later, so we will have a good talk about this all, then.
She went NC because of his nastiness and control. He tiptoed back attempting to get her to feel sorry for him and then blew up in her face at the first moment he had. She has seen for herself that he is not a normal, kind and caring father but instead an abusive, mentally unstable person. I will be advising her to continue NC and to ride it out and not get sucked in by his attempts to manipulate her.

It was actually the same day she decided to go NC, that I applied for CMS rather than have to bow down to him and ask him for another penny. Her going NC was the final deciding factor for me.

A PP has said this would happen in some form, and this is clearly him doing his "Extinction burst"!

Well it is certainly the start of the explosion, but it will get worse for a while I am sorry to say. He may well start using your younger DC as a flying monkey "How can you be so mean to Dad? Dad was crying because you wouldnt see him" etc, to try and drive a wedge between them. He needs at least one of them on "his" team.

At this point I would consider using a tactic that many of us have had to use when dealing with ex's like this. Get a new number for her and only share that number with people who can be 100% trusted to not give it to him (so sadly that will not include your other child at the moment), mainly for use for her to keep in touch with you and her friends. Then the other sim goes into a phone that she checks periodically, when she feels able and preferably with you there for support. That way she doesnt feel ambushed whenever he messages or calls. She will feel that she has some control over how and when he contacts her.

I would also contact school as soon as they are back to make sure that they are aware of the situation. My DD's school (also senior) offer help and counselling in such situations, although I realise that not all schools are as good at this as ours is, so you may need to arrange a meeting with head of pastoral care.

I would also consider legal advice, at 13 her wishes will be taken into account and protection of your younger child from potentially being estranged from both of you by will be considered. This has gone too far now.