I've just seen the most depressing thing

[Havesomecommonsense]

In a coffee shop, in comes a Dad and his daughter (roughly 3 years old)
He made a comment to the daughter about this being a weekly visit before he dropped her back to the mum
He then sat her on his lap, gave her a phone and she watched instagram videos and he watched his own phone holding it over her head..
He gave her some food, which she kept choking on intermittently. He barely said 2 words to her
Yes I'm judging, but fgs do better

I thought you were going to say he was really attentive towards her, and they shared an emotional goodbye. 😥

I see what you mean, but I think there’s a bit of a difference between “boredom” as in being trapped with nothing to do, and true downtime, which can actually be really beneficial for kids. Downtime isn’t about lazily leaving children to stare at walls- it’s unstructured time where they choose what to do, without constant input or entertainment.

Research shows that kids need this kind of space to be creative, build problem solving skills, process emotions and develop emotional regulation and develop resilience. It’s so important.

Even sports or outdoor play doesn’t tick these boxes- structured activities can be stimulating and fun, but they don’t give children the same chance to self-direct, imagine, or just be. Downtime is not “doing nothing”- it’s giving them the mental and emotional space to grow in a way that’s self-directed. My kids will happily go off and find their own direction/play imaginatively when left for a day at home and they actively ask for days like that.

Children used to ride in cars on an adult’s lap, or just sitting on the back seat. No one had seat belts. Not now considered acceptable.

Wow, this has annoyed some people hasn't it?
You are right, she's still your dd, you've had kids and she's learning, like any good mum/daughter relationships of course she'll want your input. Well spoken.
Obviously within reason but you already know that.

I'm guessing that you never sat your child in front of the television so you could have a break or get on with something else? You sound like the perfect parent.

Totally agree. Some of the responses on this thread really highlight why so many kids struggle to just be these days. As adults, we spend a lot of time sitting bored in queues, appointments, or shared spaces- it’s not something you suddenly learn overnight.

Children need time to develop the patience and resilience to sit quietly and occupy themselves, and that comes from having space to do exactly that when they’re young.

Someone made a passing comment to me when I was using my phone while pushing my baby in the pram. I was buying a bus ticket for the bus we were about to board and hadn't otherwise looked at my phone all day but the comment completely ruined my day (I had ppd) and threw me into a spiral of self doubt about my parenting

BS. Lucky dd has a mum who cares.

This is Mumsnet for you these days. Posters will distort what was actually said and only talk in extremes. No-one said children shouldn't have screens at all, mine did but never when outside the home, ever and never when eating together at the table.

One of my DCs friends is so far gone with constantly using her phone that she's literally losing her friends. She was here one day with a few other friends, I made them some food and called them to the table, friend put her phone on the table and watched Netflix ignoring the others. Another time at a sleepover, she spend the entire night on her phone, so now the friends don't invite her anywhere anymore, she has nothing to contribute to a friendship.

She's only 13, it's very sad but clearly it's all she knows. No-one expects teenagers not to use phones at all but when it's to this extreme, there's clearly a problem. And before anyone starts, no she doesn't have SEN.

I don’t disagree with you. I use screens at home to enable me to get things done. I also am probably quite addicted to my own phone however I am mindful of limiting both of our time on screens and try not to use them at all when we’re out.

However I think your post stinks of judgement and superiority. Why are you so overly invested in the snapshot of the life of a stranger? On the face of it it isn’t good parenting no but there are far worse things happening in the world, and you need to remember you don’t know the context of the phone usage or what they’ve been doing with the other 23 and a half hours of the day.

I’ve made a similar comment on a thread about Nursery readiness. I also work in primary education and have done for the last 22 years. It’s disgraceful that this has been allowed to happen to our children. The impact on speech and behaviour has been monumental. I really do worry about the future. It’s piss poor, lazy parenting. Anyone claiming it’s not must clearly do the same. No child under secondary school age needs to be on any device, ever!

I'm not really sure why you are mentioning nuance to me when it's you who has given the most stark example of a child just sitting still for 20mins doing nothing?

I've been very much in the camp of "we can't know what goes on in the background of a family" so I clearly get the nuance. I also understand that a child being sat still might be out of fear, or that a child brightly asking questions and taking part in an interaction might be just the loveliest thing.

My parents (and all other parents I knew) used to sit me in front of a tv for kids programming at 5pm just so they could get a breather. So it's not a new thing, the device is just portable now

How do you think parents used to manage that situation before smart phones/tablets were around?

If you read my other posts you will see I’m in full agreement that phones shouldn’t be used in the first instance. My children can all sit quietly in a restaurant without a screen/device because they’ve learned how to do so. This morning just made me consider examples where people judge but don’t know the full context.

Not overly invested ,just chatting on a forum

20 mins in the life of an 8 year old is not a stark example. A few times in that period one of us would say something to him, he was offered a drink but the point t is he was capable of dealing with a very short period of unstimulated inactivity. He wasnt bound and gagged. You moved from that to saying I was describing Victorian values of seen and not heard.

How convenient that a parent made a specific comment regarding his contact time and co-parent status at that exact moment, within earshot of a rabid Mumsnetter ready to pounce......and a MAN to boot! - how very dare he demonstrate anything less than 100% perfect parenting every second of the day like you all do no doubt 🙄

Sounds like my ex with our son (5).
He came home from a weekend with his Dad yesterday. I asked what fun things he’s done with Daddy - answer was PlayStation, watching YouTube and TV 😡
It’s been a glorious weekend weather wise, he couldn’t even take him out to the park!
Daddy sees him EOW, you’d think he would want to spend quality time with his son 🤷‍♀️

As equally ridiculous a post as the original.

This used to happen all the time. I remember going visiting with my mum back in the day. I'd be told not to touch anything, not to ask for anything and to 'behave'. I would always be offered biscuits and drinks which I gladly accepted. I would sit and just listen to the adults talking, not one bit bored and then we'd be on our way. It would have been for longer than 20 mins too. I don't see the problem.

I agree or sometimes, the adults would like, you know, TALK to me

There's an oracy drive in schools, I think we've forgotten that adults and children can talk and listen to each other

Not possible to mind your own business?
Nothing to occupy yourself with?

Sad......

You made a thread purely to slag off another parent (one you don’t know and have no knowledge of other than the 30 minutes you spent watching and judging them).

This is pretty unfair. Of course we don't want any child to be ignored or parenting being placed by a phone, but we have no idea what is going on in that parent's life.

When I became a single parent, I was desperately trying to manage to find a place to live so we wouldn't be homeless, sort out a job and arrange childcare. Sometimes distracting my kid was essential to achieve these things which could only be done on the Internet. And yeah, sometimes I felt a bit overwhelmed and just needed some time to to myself. I'm sure people judged me, but it was either distract my kid for a bit or drown in the stuff I had to do.

Let's try and be kinder. People have all sorts of problems we don't know about.