DH getting in car with someone who had been drinking

[Hey12345]

DH just told me this morning how his friend was “pushing it” yesterday since had 4 pints after they had a game of golf and was driving DH and another friend back home. When I asked if he didn’t think that was bad and he shouldn’t have got in the car with him and I questioned why he thought it would be wrong and why I’m so mad, his reply was that “it’s an irresponsible thing to do”, I was shocked he didn’t consider the real reason why I was so mad, the fact that he is a father of 2 young kids (7 & 2) and what if his friend had crashed! That didn’t even cross his mind.

I don’t know what to do. I really don’t know how to get past this, and should I get past this? Is it a big deal like I’m thinking, or no?

That would be grounds for divorce for me. What a vile thing to do, he should've hidden his friends keys. Worse than your husband being killed, what if your children were killed by his drunk driving friend!

Grounds for divorce, ott.

Chat with him calmly op.

Reponses on here will only whip you up into a frenzy and you'll be more cross.

I would have found it socially awkward to say no to getting in the car and 'making a scene', but I would have done it.

Because I have the imagination to anticipate how completely awful the consequences of that person driving could be.

I grew up in a rural area where a lot of people had a cavalier attitude to drink driving, particularly the 'laddish' types - it made me so angry

Just talk calmly about how he should handle it next time auch a situation arises. It's not grounds for divorce but he should think about his family and what could happen.

I hope next time he would not just refuse to get in but also confiscate the keys. His friend is a danger to everyone out there on the roads. I wouldn't want to be friends with someone who thinks driving after 4 pints is okay.

How is divorce actually going to help him be a better father to two young kids ?

Maybe reminding him of his responsibilities and explaining why what he did was thoughtless, dangerous and stupid might be a better idea.

Does your H have life insurance? Make sure he gets some and soon.

If he’s going to make stupid and potentially life-threatening decisions then you want to ensure that you and your children are protected.

Your H’s safety is one thing, but what about others on the roads and pedestrians? Your H was complicit in illegal, dangerous drink driving. Disgusting (from your H, goes without saying his friend’s actions were)

If your DH thinks his friend is ok to drive after 4 pints, then it’s likely your DH does similar after 2 or 3 or 4 pints himself.

You’re obviously going to reply saying there is no way your DH drinks and drives, but unless you reveal that he’s teetotal or can’t drive, then he probably does.

I would not allow him to take the children out in the car to any social situation where there is alcohol involved and you’re not there to make sure he is not drink driving his own children.

Hopefully the worst that will happen is that he and his mates drunkenly wrap their car around a tree and only kill themselves, and not anybody else.

Now you know your DH cares more about not losing face in front of his mates than anything else. Pray none of them try to persuade him to invest in bitcoin.
Also, I'm not sure life insurance would pay out if there had been an accident.

I think it would be reasonable for your DH to ask his friend for the keys. I think taking them would be unwise, even if physically possible. I think there's a limit to how much you can control the behaviour of another adult, no matter how convinced you are of your stance; obviously the friend's judgement was impaired.

I would say 'You're over the limit and I'm not risking my life getting in a car with a drunk driver, so I'm calling an Uber' and offer to share with the other friend. Less confrontational and gives the driver a chance (which he's unlikely to take, in truth, but you can try) to reflect, join the Uber riders and fetch his car later.

I'd love to know why my post was reported.

I think it’s unlikely they were buying their drinks separately. Usually people buy rounds in that situation. Even if they were all going to the bar and buying a drink each, your husband knew the driver had drunk more than he should as soon as he had his second pint. He may have even bought it for him so confiscating his keys would have been bizarre. Even saying that once the driver was over the limit he couldn’t drive would have been a bit ridiculous having sat there drinking with him. What a hypocrite to criticise him later.

If DH doesn’t feel he can remind the designated driver not to drink then he should be doing the driving. But I suspect he doesn’t choose to do that because he also wanted 4 pints and then didn’t make his own way home because it would have been inconvenient. He has his own problem with alcohol even if it’s only a lax regard for the law.

Getting in as a passenger is not illegal, but there's the possibility of contributory negligence if there's an accident and you were aware of their drinking.

I think it was the use of that term for currency, I think posts using that term are automatically hidden until approved.

Thanks HenDoNot, that hadn't occurred to me!

Your DP and his mates need to have a conversation about who is driving and who is drinking when they make arrangements to meet.

I ended a relationship with someone who drank and drove. That wasn’t the only reason I finished with him but the fact that he did it made me think about other things he did such as other law breaking and dishonesty.
I think it depends on whether this a one off (in which case as others have suggested you have a serious talk with him) or if there a bigger picture of things he does that concern you.

I completely agree that he should not have got in the cr and it was crazy and irresponsible.

But I'm not sure why you're mad at him becuase he didn't specifically think, "if I die I'm leaving two children behind."

I wouldn't get in the car with someone who had been drinking that much, but I wouldn't be thinking, "what happens if I die and my dc are left alone". I'd simply be thinking, "that's incredibly dangerous and I'm not goign to risk myself or be part of risking other people."

I'd also have tried to stop my friend from doing this in the first place.

I'd have gone through him for a shortcut. He should have taken his friend's keys off him and booked a taxi. It's massively irresponsible and the consequences could have been much wider than just your family impacted. He also needs to be prepared to teach your kids the correct way to handle this type of situation... can he do that if he can't manage it himself? He risked all of your futures in that one stupid moment.

I’d be cross with him, but prefer to have a proper convo about what SHOULD have happened rather than go off the deep end about it.
They should have sorted a cab/Uber, and agreed to take the friend back to pick up his car the next morning.
Assuming it was a one-off, I’d leave it at that.

I had to have this conversation at the weekend. I had to tell a friend who was driving us home that I no longer wanted a lift if they were to smoke a cbd roll up. Completely legal but smoked for similar effects to being stoned. I felt like a real prick but my safety and those around me are paramount. DP did help by saying I was within my rights to raise it but I think inside he was a bit “here she goes again”.

it’s a difficult conversation but easier than the guilt if something went wrong. I’d have got a taxi.

I would be very cross with him , yes ..
He should have taken keys off of his friend & called a tax I .
You can only talk to him , make sure he knows it’s a deal breaker if he ever does anything so stupid again ..

Oh yeah, definitely don't get passed it. LTB, definitely divorce him

That will be great for the kids...

If he knew he was over the limit he had a duty of care to stop him driving, regardless of how awkward that conversation would be.

If the guy still got in the car then you call the police and report them.

Drink driving is NEVER acceptable.

The children weren’t in the car!