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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

The situations are not the same

37 replies

oncimesmask · 25/08/2025 22:12

Dd moved an hour away about a year ago. She lives with her bf both work Monday to Friday.

i live with dh and our other two DDs (21 and 8)
dd 8 has additional needs, we have a dog and I have a prolapsed disc so really struggling with mobility.

it’s come to my attention that dd has been making sure we are exactly equal in visits. So il invite her for tea and then the next time we arrange to meet she will insist we come to hers.

im happy to go sometimes but tbh it’s easier for her to come to us for my health, youngest dds needs and the dog (who we can’t take to dds.

Aibu to think dd should come to us more? Meeting in middle is a option but it gets expensive.

OP posts:
InterestedDad37 · 25/08/2025 22:15

YANBU, but explain your reasoning to her (maybe you've already done this) 👍

mumofoneAloneandwell · 25/08/2025 22:16

How did it come to your attention? Is your relationship poor otherwise?

Sounds like something you do when there's a bigger problem.

FionnulaTheCooler · 25/08/2025 22:17

Have you talked to her about it? Maybe she thinks she's doing a nice thing by offering to host you and cook your tea, and doesn't realise that it would be easier for her to come to you.

Eeehbyeck · 25/08/2025 22:19

Have you had this conversation with her? She might just think that’s the courteous way of doing things and doesn’t want to put you out cooking for her more often than she does for you. Your reaction seems a bit bizarre tbh, don’t know why you wouldn’t just happily tell her how much you’d love for her to come over more

PamIsAVolleyballChamp · 25/08/2025 22:22

Do you take everyone with you when you visit her?
Why can't the 21 yo look after 8 yo and dog for a few hours?
I wonder if she feels sidelined by you due to her siblings and dog and she'd like a bit of time/attention?

FuzzyWolf · 25/08/2025 22:25

Perhaps she struggles to afford the travel to get to your house. Or perhaps when you visit her, it’s just you and not her siblings and your dog.

Namenamchange · 25/08/2025 22:25

I think it depends how often you see her. It’s can be hard to always be the one travelling when you’re working full time, weekends are short, and sometimes it’s nice to be in your own home so you can put a wash on, or empty the dishwasher.

NoThanksNeeded · 25/08/2025 23:27

And maybe there's a reason why it's hard for her to travel to you every time....

Stompythedinosaur · 25/08/2025 23:59

Well, it's easier for you if she comes to you, it probably isn't easier for her.

I don't think taking turns is that unreasonable, but you could have a conversation and ask if she'd be willing to do more of the travel because of your health issues.

But if you come across as if you think you're entitled to it, I imagine it won't go down well.

Eenameenadeeka · 26/08/2025 00:31

Do you mean that it's expensive to meet in the middle because you go out to eat? Or do you mean the travel? Maybe she thinks it's nice to reciprocate- have you let her know you find it easier to host?

Arlanymor · 26/08/2025 00:36

Have you spoken to her? She might think she is being nice reciprocating.

Agapornis · 26/08/2025 00:48

Part of seeing her as an adult is that you visit her.

My parents have visited me twice in the past 5 years, I'm sure you're not that bad and you have better excuses. But I'm somewhat resentful of their reluctance to visit, yet they still expect me to tell them about my life, even though they show no interest in physically being present in it

Ponderingwindow · 26/08/2025 01:03

Treating her as an adult means not expecting her to come “home”
for visits.

If you do have significant barriers to visiting her as equals, do not include the dog in the equation. Physical impairment preventing you from being far from home is a legitimate issue. You can explain your issue and ask for her help. You prioritizing a pet over visiting your daughter for an afternoon is not remotely in the same category.

if your younger child is the bigger impediment, then leave her home sometimes and you and your husband take turns visiting.

Readyforslippers · 26/08/2025 01:10

I dont think it's unreasonable for her to take turns, it actually makes a lot of sense as there are probably good reasons she may not want to travel every time. An hour isn't exactly far away anyway, I'd see it as a positive. The dog will be fine at home for a bit and you could use a dogwalker if you really need to.

Original poster
oncimesmask · 26/08/2025 07:27

mumofoneAloneandwell · 25/08/2025 22:16

How did it come to your attention? Is your relationship poor otherwise?

Sounds like something you do when there's a bigger problem.

Her sister told me (she told her sister)

OP posts:
Original poster
oncimesmask · 26/08/2025 07:28

FionnulaTheCooler · 25/08/2025 22:17

Have you talked to her about it? Maybe she thinks she's doing a nice thing by offering to host you and cook your tea, and doesn't realise that it would be easier for her to come to you.

It feels like it’s a fairness thing. She feels it would be unfair for her to visit us more than we visit her.

OP posts:
Original poster
oncimesmask · 26/08/2025 07:30

PamIsAVolleyballChamp · 25/08/2025 22:22

Do you take everyone with you when you visit her?
Why can't the 21 yo look after 8 yo and dog for a few hours?
I wonder if she feels sidelined by you due to her siblings and dog and she'd like a bit of time/attention?

Dog isn’t invited. Usually take 8 year old as she wants to see her. Dh and older dd come if they are free. It’s an open invite

OP posts:
Knobbsa · 26/08/2025 07:30

She sounds extremely petty.
OP, you have a lot on your plate, you need to mind yourself first.

Original poster
oncimesmask · 26/08/2025 07:31

FuzzyWolf · 25/08/2025 22:25

Perhaps she struggles to afford the travel to get to your house. Or perhaps when you visit her, it’s just you and not her siblings and your dog.

They are very financially secure.

OP posts:
Original poster
oncimesmask · 26/08/2025 07:32

Namenamchange · 25/08/2025 22:25

I think it depends how often you see her. It’s can be hard to always be the one travelling when you’re working full time, weekends are short, and sometimes it’s nice to be in your own home so you can put a wash on, or empty the dishwasher.

See each other once or twice a month

OP posts:
Original poster
oncimesmask · 26/08/2025 07:34

Knobbsa · 26/08/2025 07:30

She sounds extremely petty.
OP, you have a lot on your plate, you need to mind yourself first.

It may be how dd2 explained it but it sounded petty

OP posts:
Readyforslippers · 26/08/2025 07:36

oncimesmask · 26/08/2025 07:32

See each other once or twice a month

Show quote history

In that case I do think it's fair you travel sometimes, if you take your turn it's at most once a month, possibly every other month. It really isnt far to go to visit your child, even with everything going on.

AHellOfAGoodNight · 26/08/2025 07:37

Your daughter may lead a busy life too. I think it’s fine to alternate visits, but I think there are some issues you’re not mentioning here, some resentment that she moved away perhaps or some other issues in the relationship between you?

PamIsAVolleyballChamp · 26/08/2025 07:42

oncimesmask · 26/08/2025 07:34

It may be how dd2 explained it but it sounded petty

Show quote history

Is dd2 stirring then and trying to cause issues?

EatMoreChocolate44 · 26/08/2025 07:43

Your daughter is being unfair. My mum doesn't drive (& refuses to get on a bus). She's in her late 70s now so certainly wouldn't expect her to at this stage. Ever since I moved away over 20 years ago (1hr away) I have always went to visit her and my dad. Same as my other siblings (some of who don't drive). She spent our whole childhood cooking and cleaning for us. When we go down she cooks us a lovely dinner. When we had our babies she came up (husband drove) and stayed with us for a few wks to help. It is not 'fair' for you to travel OP if you have mobility issues. Your daughter needs to put you first .