The situations are not the same

[oncimesmask]

Dd moved an hour away about a year ago. She lives with her bf both work Monday to Friday.

i live with dh and our other two DDs (21 and 8)
dd 8 has additional needs, we have a dog and I have a prolapsed disc so really struggling with mobility.

it’s come to my attention that dd has been making sure we are exactly equal in visits. So il invite her for tea and then the next time we arrange to meet she will insist we come to hers.

im happy to go sometimes but tbh it’s easier for her to come to us for my health, youngest dds needs and the dog (who we can’t take to dds.

Aibu to think dd should come to us more? Meeting in middle is a option but it gets expensive.

No resentment about her house choice. Maybe a bit around her not visiting much when I was in hospital/laid up. And she does this thing where she will decide not to talk for a week and ignore calls/messages and then say she needed a break from people. But if I don’t answer her within a few hours she kicks off I’m ignoring her. I asked her if she wants a break from chatting just to message and say but she doesn’t. She can be very critical too.

Possibly they do have a bit of rivalry

We're at the end of a long hot summer. Could you not have met somewhere like a park halfway between you during the summer months. Dog could go, picnic, half an hour trip for everyone and no money spent.

It seems there are bigger issues going on here. Why would DD2 have told you?

It sounds like she’s busy with her own life, maybe has some issues going on herself if she feels she needs a break from people. Leave her be, don’t cause issues. If you’re not well enough to travel or it is not convenient, then just be honest with her. You’ll soon get into a rhythm of seeing each other. It can take a while when a relative moves a bit further away. She’s young and getting her life sorted, that comes with its own stresses and pressures, I’m sure you can remember that time in your life, look after yourself but don’t be too hard on her.

My kids are still at university. But when they finally move out properly, my worst nightmare would be to become a ‘duty’ or obligation to them. I would hate to have set meetings or rules around meeting up. I really hope that we will see each other when we want to, and when it suits us without any sense of guilt or obligation.

I would try and sort things out and improve things between you and your daughter in general and just make it a more fun approach.

And I wouldn’t stand for any of that from either of them. They can sort that between themselves, they’re both your children, don’t let them bring you into that as it’ll cause bigger issues.

If you're only seeing each other once or twice a month, turn taking means you going to her once a month at most. That doesn't sound unreasonable to me. She's an adult with her own life, you can't expect to only see her at your house.

You hadn't even noticed until dd2 pointed it out, so it can't have been all that problematic.

Just be honest with her if the travel is too difficult. She'll either come to you instead or you'll see less of her.

She has her own place now and she wants to have a grown up relationship with you, and in most grown up relationships it's normal to take turns to host. I think this is part of growing up and gaining independence, and it would be nice for you to listen to her. I'm not sure of the extent of your mobility issues though - is it very painful for you to spend an hour in a car?

It sounds like she is trying to redress some kind of imbalance and insist on you giving her your time and attention. It does sound from your posts that you are highly focused on how difficult your life is and if it’s been like that since your youngest was born (understandably as I imagine it had been very hard for you) she may be fed up of it. I do think it will be important to try to see things from her perspective a lot more, it sounds like you are taking her for granted a fair bit. Some frank conversations are probably needed if you want to rescue the relationship.

My thoughts echo @Owly11 .

Having witnessed a similar dynamic at close hand, I suspect you eldest is trying to point out that she generally feels last on your list of priorities, and has for some time.

There is probably a lot unsaid between you, which you may have ignored or not noticed due to being pulled in other directions.

I think she probably needs some one-to-one time with you, and some frank conversations.

Really good answer.

I think it's fair enough that you travel every second visit.
It gives your special needs DD an outing. It gives your DD1 a chance to meet without the dog.
You are all adults.
Do you ever just meet your DD1 alone? You and her going shopping could be sweet.
Have your older DDs had to cope with you taking special care of DD8? They both might feel like they have had to compete for your attention, if so.