Page 3 | DH chooses not to soothe baby

amumma · 2025-08-25T17:28:00+00:00

We have a song which calms our LO down immediately and helps her fall asleep if she is fussing when she's tired. As much as it gets boring to listen to, I will listen to it a million times if it means she is soothed and rested. Despite knowing the song works, my DH chooses to play songs he enjoys and let our LO cry when he has her, even if it takes a lot longer to calm her. Is it unreasonable that this upsets me

Lemoncheesecake007 · 26/08/2025 14:04

DeborahKerr · 26/08/2025 11:53

sorry but your 6 year old still needs a song to fall asleep? That's a bit late.
Or did you mean 6 months old?

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I’m a 32 year old woman and I still like the TV on, back ground noise or YouTube videos to go to sleep…

Ivenoname · 26/08/2025 14:05

Thelnebriati · 26/08/2025 10:59

Actual parenting methods don't have a negative effect on us as we get older.

I beg to differ!
Some parenting methods have life long repercussions on the children.
I'm not saying thats the case as regards OP and her H by the way.

FilthyforFirth · 26/08/2025 14:06

Christ, all the 'my child has slept through the night since birth and we have never done a damn thing to soothe them or help' parental brigade are out in force I see. I am 40 and listen to a podcast to go to sleep, I am entirely independent, fully finctioning member of society.

I can't bear 'we must teach them independence and reslience the minute they leave the womb' parenting style...

To answer your question OP, it would annoy me, and my DH wouldnt do it, but I think so long as he isnt neglecting her and she isnt becomming mega stressed, its not a hill I'd die on if the rest of his parenting is fine.

randomchap · 26/08/2025 14:34

Is he choosing not to soothe, or is he using a different method? There's a big difference between the two

Original poster

amumma · 26/08/2025 14:40

Sorry for the slow response here. Some clarifying points from me. The song makes her calm within 5 seconds if she's irritable..this helps whether the irritation is being hungry or sleepy. I didn't mean to train her to like this song or anything like that, it's just the first song on a playlist I would hold her and bounce to at some point each day. One day we realized it has a pretty instant calming effect now. As far as my DH goes, he's a very loving dad, he just wants to do things his own way. For the most part that's totally fine but when she's really upset and could be soothed quickly it feels like torture to watch him playing a different song just because he feels like it. Music has become a bit of a sticking point for us generally, he studied music so enjoys playing different things for her (which is lovely) but a lot louder than I'm happy with (I worry about damaging her hearing). Anyway, we have discussed this and he now understands that trying new songs when she's happy is probably more sensible that doing so when she needs calming. Finally, I have to put my hands up and say I posted this in a moment of upset so the title is needlessly inflammatory. Thanks all for your responses

OP posts:

WickWood · 26/08/2025 14:46

DeborahKerr · 26/08/2025 11:33

the poster prefers to USE lullabies and the other parent something else.
So?

Don't be so ridiculous, it's not making a sacrifice to pick a song or another. If you end up stuck in the nursery for hours because you prefer a certain song, when the lullaby would put the child to sleep in seconds then you are the one dealing with the consequence anyway.

Not that it's likely to make such a difference anyway.

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The partner isn't USING music to help though is he, hes playing it because he likes it, not because it helps the baby.

The partner might be dealing with the consequence but its not about him, its about the baby. If the baby would fall asleep in 30 seconds but instead hes spending hours getting the baby to sleep, surely the issue is 1. Why is the dad not making a simple 30 second sacrifice to settle the baby? 2. Why is the baby allowed to be unsettled for such a long amount of time?

Jimmyneutronsforehead · 26/08/2025 15:52

amumma · 26/08/2025 14:40

Sorry for the slow response here. Some clarifying points from me. The song makes her calm within 5 seconds if she's irritable..this helps whether the irritation is being hungry or sleepy. I didn't mean to train her to like this song or anything like that, it's just the first song on a playlist I would hold her and bounce to at some point each day. One day we realized it has a pretty instant calming effect now. As far as my DH goes, he's a very loving dad, he just wants to do things his own way. For the most part that's totally fine but when she's really upset and could be soothed quickly it feels like torture to watch him playing a different song just because he feels like it. Music has become a bit of a sticking point for us generally, he studied music so enjoys playing different things for her (which is lovely) but a lot louder than I'm happy with (I worry about damaging her hearing). Anyway, we have discussed this and he now understands that trying new songs when she's happy is probably more sensible that doing so when she needs calming. Finally, I have to put my hands up and say I posted this in a moment of upset so the title is needlessly inflammatory. Thanks all for your responses

I'm glad you've got it sorted out OP.

We've all been there. There were times when DS was a baby and DP tried to do things his way without trying understand why some things would and wouldn't work (think baby likes to be bounced up and down, not rocked back and forth), and it was psychologically distressing hearing the baby cry, knowing it didn't need to be that way. There were some brief LTB type feelings that lasted the morning, and some really deep connections formed later on in the day. DP thought he was just trying to broaden the horizons of what could soothe the baby, when really that baby did not give 2 flying hoots about having it's horizons broadened in the slightest.

Great suggestion to play her other music when she's happy.