DH chooses not to soothe baby

[amumma]

We have a song which calms our LO down immediately and helps her fall asleep if she is fussing when she's tired. As much as it gets boring to listen to, I will listen to it a million times if it means she is soothed and rested. Despite knowing the song works, my DH chooses to play songs he enjoys and let our LO cry when he has her, even if it takes a lot longer to calm her. Is it unreasonable that this upsets me

Actual parenting methods don't have a negative effect on us as we get older.

OP says that he plays songs that HE likes, though; not that he finds a variety of songs that the baby will like and find soothing.

I think it's highly unlikely that the baby's preferred simple familiar songs at her stage in life will correspond with a grown man's own more mature favourite tunes.

I should have refreshed the thread - I see that my last point had already been made in a far, far better way than I made it!

It's a dangerous mindset to start saying that Mum is always right, and only her way is right, and dad is doing it wrong.

If mum prefers lullaby and dad prefers Coldplay - or whatever, so what? You'll each quickly see if it makes any difference or likely that your child will show random preferences that will change from one day to the next anyway

That's true, but OP has said he's choosing not to soothe baby and lets her cry and seemingly all he's doing differently is trying to settle her without using one particular song. If he's just trying to soothe her differently then that's fine, if he's neglecting the baby or causing her distress then that's awful but it's not clear what's actually the case.

I'm sure the poster doesn't prefer lullabies to other music and they weren't her preference prebaby, its just that you make sacrifices as a parent, ie listen to the lullaby while you soothe the baby and then Coldplay when they're settled or asleep etc.

My baby loved a certain song and it always helped soothe him, I didn't want to sing it/listen to my partner singing it 20 times a day but it worked, so we did. I'd much rather have been listening to Paolo Nutini! X

You say ‘even if it takes a little longer’ - so he doesn’t fail at calming her?!
you need to back off and let him find the things that work for him. He’s not leaving her to cry it out or doing nothing

Yes, it does remind me a bit of the parents who will see other parents getting on with changing stinky nappies, cleaning up sick etc. without a fuss - and thus assume that they actually enjoy it; rather than just accepting it's a normal part of being a parent to a baby.

Same with dog owners, when people will ask if they really like picking up the poo when taking their pet for a walk - I'm pretty sure that isn't the sole reason why they decided to get a dog!

the poster prefers to USE lullabies and the other parent something else.
So?

Don't be so ridiculous, it's not making a sacrifice to pick a song or another. If you end up stuck in the nursery for hours because you prefer a certain song, when the lullaby would put the child to sleep in seconds then you are the one dealing with the consequence anyway.

Not that it's likely to make such a difference anyway.

Most wouldn’t advise using a song to soothe a baby you need to help them to self soothe but sounds like you relationship has issues that need dealing with as soon as possible.

It reminds me more of a woman fretting and constantly criticising her husband because he picked a clean nappy from the pile on the right instead of the left, because he put the dirty nappy on the floor to deal with after, instead of putting it immediately in the nappy bag, complaining he took the vest off like a tshirt instead of using the enlarged top...

Because she does it RIGHT and it's her way, and he can only be doing it WRONG.

it's the TV generation, people need to be surrounded by constant noise at all time, that's why they use so much noise from birth, songs and whathaveyou. You wouldn't believe how many other mums I know plonked their baby in front of the tv to soothe them.

I wasn't specifically referring to OP's situation - I don't think you or I can know whether this is a case of her DH ignoring their baby's simple preferences and making unsuitable choices instead, or if OP is controlling and insistent that only her way is the correct one.

Even with the 'songs that he likes' - we don't know if that means other baby-friendly songs that he also prefers/finds less irritating; or whether he's putting Motorhead on at top volume and ignoring the fact that the baby probably doesn't relate (or soothe) well to it.

My son is 6 and has a song that we played to him from being in the womb and he goes to sleep to it.

Several actually. Teddy bears picnic, the bump the elephant theme song, an old sailor song earworm from my childhood.

He isn't making demands he is seeking comfort, which it is our job as parents to provide.

If someone started playing twinkle twinkle little star it just wouldn't work.

It's a good thing to have sleep associations so that good sleep can continue.

I completely understand what you mean, but I was thinking that's it's unlikely that he would be blarring Motorhead at top volume and making her cry for hours.

He's the one dealing with the baby, no one is willingly increasing the time a baby cries!

sorry but your 6 year old still needs a song to fall asleep? That's a bit late.
Or did you mean 6 months old?

Agreed.

Sounds like he can't do right for doing wrong in your eyes OP

Yes Deborah.

He still needs a song to fall asleep.

He is 6.

He is also autistic and relies on repetition, routines and patterns but that's not relevant to my job as a parent to provide whatever necessary comfort he needs in order to transition to a good sleep.

Have the rest of the day you deserve.

It depends if he is soothing her or just leaving her.

I prefer songs as a last resort rather than the first thing as babies should develop a self soothing skill as well as too many potential situations where you need to be able to soothe them without music.

unless she is on distress it’s ok for him to parent differently to you

Where did she say that he needs the song to help him fall asleep?

Even as adults, many of us find comfort in familiar things and routines and like to do them, even though we absolutely don't need to do them.

There's that bingo advert on TV where the very much grown-up woman says how she looks forward to her special set-aside time to enjoy herself playing what is, I think we'd all agree, not a super mentally-challenging game that you have to be a very intelligent adult to understand.

Lots of adults like to settle down with a glass of wine, or reading a chapter of their book before bed, to help them wind down and relax. I'm sure they'd manage perfectly well if wine or books didn't exist, but they just find it comforting.

Edited to add:
I cross-posted with PP's update and, in her DS's case, he has personal circumstances that mean he does indeed need the song; but my point still stands in general.

Some people seem very determined to force children to grow up as quickly as possible.

thank you for clarifying after that superior post you made earlier.
You have the day you deserve too my dear.

to be fair, it's exactly WHY I asked, I am not a mind reader but it's MN, there's always a back story when a poster gets miffed.

Having a child who goes to sleep by themselves at 6, generally, is not making them grow too fast.

You didn't need to ask because it's none of your business.

I am going to also play devils advocate here…

You said in your OP that it calms your little one “immediately” but afterwards said it gets repetitive and that you would play it a million times if you have too.

I am going to take a guess and say it MIGHT not be the song, more just mummy cuddles and consistent soothing and you are assuming that it is the song, or the distraction of the song that is soothing his daughter.

If dad is leaving baby to cry in her cot not soothing then of course it’s not great parenting. But if he is getting up, soothing and trying things his way then I personally don’t think he is doing much wrong.

I am going to also play devils advocate here…

You said in your OP that it calms your little one “immediately” but afterwards said it gets repetitive and that you would play it a million times if you have too.

I am going to take a guess and say it MIGHT not be the song, more just mummy cuddles and consistent soothing and you are assuming that it is the song, or the distraction of the song that is soothing his daughter.

If dad is leaving baby to cry in her cot not soothing then of course it’s not great parenting. But if he is getting up, soothing and trying things his way then I personally don’t think he is doing much wrong.