Feeling uncomfortable about DP’s comments to his son

[DeepCy]

I don't even know where to start with this Tbh. I've been with my partner for over a year basically a year and a half, he's a widower and has been for 4 years, for the purpose of this thread ill be saying stepson etc to make it easier to follow.

He has 3 kids. DSD21, DSS17 and DSS11, we've taken things slowly but I stay over, I was the first person he's dated since his wife passed and he was very worried about how his DC would feel but we all get along well. I don't see much of DSS17 as he sleeps in the garage conversion and DSD21 lives in a flat nearby with friends but his youngest gets along with me his words were as long as someone plays Mario with him he's happy. DP’s mum lives with him and I get along with her too. I don't have kids myself

DSS11 is really into football and is very extroverted the same as DP. DSS17 however is shy and sensitive type. He keeps himself to himself and doesn't talk about his feelings. He is into football but he's into music a lot more, he plays guitar and writes his own songs which he hid from everyone for a long time.

The problem is how DP speaks to him, his gf broke up with him a few weeks back and he was understandably heartbroken as most 17yos would be; but DP basically told him to get over it by sleeping with someone else, his exact words were “Best way to get over a girl is to get under another” i thought he was joking but he doubled down when DSS17 wasn't interested and just wanted to write his music. He told him girls didn't want a nice guy writing songs and told him to toughen up and “treat em mean to keep em keen”, I pulled him up on it and he just laughed and said it was just banter and he was trying to help his son become a man.

Since then he's been making comments like “stop being a soft lad girls don't want that” “you'll end up friend zoned if you keep acting like this” “you're too sensitive mate you need to man up” “girls like a bit of a bad boy you're too polite”

He had a gig last night which was his first gig, it was at a small bar and he was so nervous it was really out his comfort zone. It went well and he did amazing but in the car on the way home he just said “great show mate but writing songs won't get you laid” I sat there gobsmacked and DSS went quiet and went straight to his room when we got home.

He is so different to DSS10 who is laddish and plays football which DP encourages but with DSS17 it's like he thinks he needs to toughen him up. He does an apprenticeship at a garage as a mechanic and he is very interested but he's good at music too, he's such a sweet lad and very creative. I've tried saying to DP it's not funny and it's out if order but he shrugs and says “I don't want him to get walked all over” and “I'm just trying to give him life advice” but it's not advice it's sexist and nasty and DSS doesn't need it

What makes it worse is DSD has started dating someone recently and DP is very protective, told her to be careful because men only want one thing, asked him 101 questions, he goes on about how she should never met a man treat her badly, she's worth more than that and he'd never let her be with a man who disrespects her but he's telling his son to do exactly that

To make matters worse I also found out I was pregnant the other day, completely unplanned and I haven't yet told him yet but I'm terrified of what this means if this is how he sees relationships

Have you asked him how on earth he squares his attitude to his daughter with what he tells his son?

The posters who have jumped from ‘DSS is sensitive’ to ‘DSS might be gay’ are not being any more evolved than the Dad IMO. Straight teenage boys can be sensitive, and gay ones won’t necessarily be! The OP hasn’t said anything about him seeming interested in blokes so there are a lot of stereotypes being applied here.

OP have you tried talking to your partner about where he’s getting these attitudes? Was this stuff that was said to him as a teenager, maybe by his own father? I’d definitely be pointing out, to both of them, that you know more about women’s perspectives than he does and you think he’s talking complete bullshit.

I think you need to separate out the issues and then tackle them in this order.

His comments on male:female relationships are toxic and really show him up to be a sexist pig. Sit him down and talk to him and try get him to understand that it is totally warped that he is encouraging his son to have superficial relationships with girls and treat them as disposable objects, whilst then telling his daughter men only want sex and she needs to be treated well. I’d also tell him that it’s totally off putting as his gf - it is toxic masculinity. If he can’t see his behaviour is wrong here and not open to change I’m not sure why you’d want to be with him.

The issue of the son needing more support is tricky as it’s his son. But I think if he could change his toxic masculinity around son then that would be a massive shift. But you don’t have any control here. But this behaviour would massively put me off him. What are your bfs good points?

Being pregnant is totally separate issue. If your bf cannot change his behaviour from that of total sexist pig then you have to decide if you are happy to likely end up a solo parent. Even if you decide to stay with him right now I do think you’ll end up resenting him and the relationship ship will flounder. With such out dated views I can’t see how he’s going to be pulling his weight as a hands on dad to baby - surely that’ll be woman’s work. And as your child gets older it’ll be subject to the dad and younger son’s toxic masculinity.

He sounds horrible and I would think twice about having his child.

Definitely talk to DSS and tell him his Dad's opinion is just one opinion. I married a massive rugby playing chap who is as soft as a marshmallow feelings wise, he is lovely, plays guitar, sings to me, leaves love notes in the fridge for me to find. He is kind, loving and generous. We have been married 26 years. No women do not want bad boys, they hurt you, scar you, mess up your self esteem. We want reliable, thoughtful chaps. That James Blunt seems to have done alright for himself, Ed Sheeran the same.

Please talk to him.

He's not going to change, he's revealing who he really is.

I really haven't seen comments saying that the son is gay. But that the dad might be concerned that the son son is gay. Which does add up, why else would he be so concerned about freienzoned and being confused with gay best friend? We can safely assume that on top of being misogynistic and sexist, he is also homophonic.

Jeez that poor boy. My dd is at uni and she is friends with loads of sensitive boys - the girls (well her and her friends) love lads like that!

I wish you’d show your partner this thread. It might benefit him to know that most women would regard his views as incorrect, misogynistic and that he is an insufferable cunt and a terrible father.

Thats disgusting. Apart from the sexist part of his views, telling his son that he needs to be different (and more like him / his brother) for people to like him is going to make his son less confident not more. A horrible thing for a parent to say. Since when did telling someone to change their personality 'toughen them up'. Also the hypocrisy of trying to turn his son into someone who he wouldn't let his daughter date...shows his views are hugely misogynistic.

At least you know what he’ll be doing when you dump him.

Would you feel you're in a position to raise the baby alone op?

I think for me, I'd be really turned off by the things he's said and it would definitely make me question the relationship let alone if he's someone I could co parent with. I think you need to consider the fact that unless he is genuinely open to learning and educating himself you'll always be in a position where you're undermining each other - you undermining him by trying to give his children and your potential future child positive messages, and him undermining you by promoting harmful and misogynistic ideals.

A year when you've been moving slowly also really isn't very long in the grand scheme of things and I'd really worry that this is the ugly side to him starting to come out and that he's been on best behaviour around you before now. So the question that creates is if this is actually just the tip of the iceberg and what lies beneath that you could be committing yourself to.

I think it's incredibly sad firstly that he holds such misogynistic and closed minded views himself, but moreso that in his attempt to parent he's actually taking on the role of being his child's first bully because he has such a narrow view of masculinity and sees girls/ women as a stereotypical monolith.

I think you need to make a very careful decision here op and think about what you want for the next 18 years of your life.

I think you could be just the person SS17 needs! You can protect him and encourage him with his music, you can dilute the influence of his Dad.

is it possible to have a talk with DP without emotion where you point out the hypocrisy in his behaviour? Is there any chance he’d put two and two together?

congratulations on your pregnancy!! How exciting! 💕

It has only recently come out because we've been taken things slowly and I didn't want them to think I was replacing their mum so i’d only see DP on his own, in the past couple of months I've started staying over but even then I don't see much of DSS17 as he's in his room. DP was worried especially about how he would feel as he was 14 when his mum passed away and he really struggled and didn't talk about his feelings. The only reason I went to the gig was because DSS himself asked, if he hadn't I would've left them to it. The times I have pulled him up on it he's said it's just banter, when I said women don't want that he said when you're 17 you do, they want “someone to keep them on their toes” and sort of insinuated that's why his gf broke up with him when we obviously don't know why apparently she didn't give a reason and DP has started saying he doesn't want him to be walked all over again

The pregnancy was completely unplanned, but I do have PCOS so I didn't know if id be able to conceive naturally so I don't know if I could go through with an abortion

I hate men like him.

I hate them. He is a misogynist who is raising his sons to be the kind of men he warns his daughter about.

Each to their own but this kind of man is a dealbreaker for me.

You should tell him he is raising his son to be the kind of man he warns his daughter about.

All of this.

Please be kind to your DSS and encourage him. Music is a wonderful thing that will give him life long joy if he sticks with it but his Dad’s attitude could bully him out of something he loves and is talented at.

His Dad is also an idiot - there are SO many women who will appreciate a sensitive, emotionally aware man. Rather than the misogynistic knuckle dragger he has shown himself to be. It’s not the 1970’s any more, you mouth breathing pig.

Id be thinking long and hard about this relationship.

I obviously didn't plan on getting pregnant or know he had this attitude til recently??

This is how women end up with terrible men. Ignoring character for limited flashes of personality.

Generally decent men don’t give sexist / misogynist advice.

Generally decent men do not encourage their sons to mistreat women.

Get rid of him.

I don’t think anybody has said the son maybe gay have they.

I would find your partner completely unattractive with that mindset!
Your DSS sounds like an absolute gem and I’d rather date someone with his character and hobbies than a sexist twat like your partner, that’s for sure!

My 17 year old DD is a gigging singer songwriter and would love to go out with someone like your DSS - MUCH more than a sexist "Bad boy"!

I think this calls for having a serious talk with DP about his attitude towards women and what a man is supposed to be.

It's horrible the way he treats his son. I hope you can be an important person in his life if you stay with his dad. It's only insecure men who are afraid of sensitive men. I have a very sensitive DS and I love that about him. I told him that sometimes it will make life harder for him but at the same time it will make it richer. He's 12 but he's not ashamed of being sensitive because we have always put value on that part of him with my DH. All children are different and shouldn't have to hear they are not what they are supposed to be like.

Run