Feeling uncomfortable about DP’s comments to his son

[DeepCy]

I don't even know where to start with this Tbh. I've been with my partner for over a year basically a year and a half, he's a widower and has been for 4 years, for the purpose of this thread ill be saying stepson etc to make it easier to follow.

He has 3 kids. DSD21, DSS17 and DSS11, we've taken things slowly but I stay over, I was the first person he's dated since his wife passed and he was very worried about how his DC would feel but we all get along well. I don't see much of DSS17 as he sleeps in the garage conversion and DSD21 lives in a flat nearby with friends but his youngest gets along with me his words were as long as someone plays Mario with him he's happy. DP’s mum lives with him and I get along with her too. I don't have kids myself

DSS11 is really into football and is very extroverted the same as DP. DSS17 however is shy and sensitive type. He keeps himself to himself and doesn't talk about his feelings. He is into football but he's into music a lot more, he plays guitar and writes his own songs which he hid from everyone for a long time.

The problem is how DP speaks to him, his gf broke up with him a few weeks back and he was understandably heartbroken as most 17yos would be; but DP basically told him to get over it by sleeping with someone else, his exact words were “Best way to get over a girl is to get under another” i thought he was joking but he doubled down when DSS17 wasn't interested and just wanted to write his music. He told him girls didn't want a nice guy writing songs and told him to toughen up and “treat em mean to keep em keen”, I pulled him up on it and he just laughed and said it was just banter and he was trying to help his son become a man.

Since then he's been making comments like “stop being a soft lad girls don't want that” “you'll end up friend zoned if you keep acting like this” “you're too sensitive mate you need to man up” “girls like a bit of a bad boy you're too polite”

He had a gig last night which was his first gig, it was at a small bar and he was so nervous it was really out his comfort zone. It went well and he did amazing but in the car on the way home he just said “great show mate but writing songs won't get you laid” I sat there gobsmacked and DSS went quiet and went straight to his room when we got home.

He is so different to DSS10 who is laddish and plays football which DP encourages but with DSS17 it's like he thinks he needs to toughen him up. He does an apprenticeship at a garage as a mechanic and he is very interested but he's good at music too, he's such a sweet lad and very creative. I've tried saying to DP it's not funny and it's out if order but he shrugs and says “I don't want him to get walked all over” and “I'm just trying to give him life advice” but it's not advice it's sexist and nasty and DSS doesn't need it

What makes it worse is DSD has started dating someone recently and DP is very protective, told her to be careful because men only want one thing, asked him 101 questions, he goes on about how she should never met a man treat her badly, she's worth more than that and he'd never let her be with a man who disrespects her but he's telling his son to do exactly that

To make matters worse I also found out I was pregnant the other day, completely unplanned and I haven't yet told him yet but I'm terrified of what this means if this is how he sees relationships

He's an idiot as well as a misogynist. Of course musicians famously struggle to attract girlfriends. And nobody 'mans up' because a bully tells them to.

You need to tell him that his behaviour and language are deeply unattractive. You don't need to criticise his parenting, just his arrogance in thinking he knows better than you what women think. He's never been a 17 year old girl and I doubt many are confiding in him.

You should also let your DSS know how much you admire his talent and courage in performing in public.

I don't know how you should proceed with regards to the pregnancy. This man is a poor parent to both his son and daughter.

Two things. One is that I would never have a baby with someone like this. His attitude to women is absolutely shocking and if you think that won't affect you long-term then you are being very foolish indeed. The second is that I would speak to the 17 year-old boy and tell him frankly that his dad is talking out of his arse. I would tell him that musicians are more successful with girls than probably any other group of people. I would tell him to really work on his creativity and stop telling his dad what he's doing. I would say to him that for every creative person there is someone trying to stop him and he needs to be aware that some things need to be kept from his dad in order for him to flourish himself. He sounds like a really lovely boy and I can tell you that when I was that age I would've thought he was amazing.

That's the first thing I thought of too when I read the OP. I'd find this deeply unattractive in a man.

If you're seriously considering leaving him I'm actually not sure I'd tell the DSS that's the reason, as he's a sensitive lad this could lead him to blame himself.

As for the baby, would you be willing to raise it on your own? I can't imagine your DH would be too involved but maybe I'm wrong. He'd still be in your life to some extent for the next 20 years.

Your partner is horrible. I can't believe his neanderthal views about women and relationships given that he is a secondary school teacher. Your 19 year old DSS sounds lovely. After losing his mum at the age of 13, I would have expected his father to show more kindness and sensitivity.

I feel torn about whether you should leave your DP due to his awful views about women, or whether you should try and make it work for the sake of his children who need someone with decent values and kindness in their lives.

So now that you know full well what he is really like, and if you go ahead and have the baby despite knowing this - you do know that it will be your own fault that you end up stuck with this vile man.
also you would be very stupid to have the baby with someone who has already grown children. No sane person would start all over again when you have kids those ages.

so now that you are fully aware of the situation it’s your choice and consequences to bear

Agree.
This is who he really is.
NOT father material.

Oh he is awful. I so sorry you’ve discovered this now. Personally, I couldn’t live with such an ignorant pig, it would disgust me. I hope you find your best way forwards.

What a dickhead. Sorry. He is. Your stepson sounds AMAZING.

Also I am curious. Aside from the man being a dickhead to his older children, why would the op be silly have a baby with someone with older children? For that very reason alone.

With the stepson banter, I'd banter back. 'That's where you are wrong, mate. A man's sex appeal rockets as soon as he gets on stage with a guitar. Especially if he's as talented as your son.' Or just smile at DSS when his father says things like this and say, ' That's just one opinion. He may be your dad but it doesn't mean he is right.'

I literally told DS the exact opposite of what your idiot man is telling his son. He was shy but very good at guitar. When he confided he thought he would never get a girlfriend I said, join a band. A man on stage playing guitar as well as you do always gets attention from women.' He did and it worked.

You could also have a gentle word with your partner and say you can see he's trying to give good advice but his son is a different personality type and he will appeal to girls who live the soulful, sensitive type, so lay off teasing as it is undermining him not toughening him up.

But I would be unable to raise a child with this man. He sounds like a sexist dinosaur from 1970s.

Ugh, ugh, ugh - just NO.

@DeepCy absolutely well done to your dss for actually getting a gig!!! that in itself is no mean feat! he must be a good musician. i, looking at this through the a similar side, am thinking of my grandaughter. lost her mum, became really depressed, started teaching herself guitar and now is one of the best in the school, and she didnt start till 14.5 years old, she also is 17 just yesterday. we are wary of what we say due to the depression she suffered. there is a chance that your dss also suffered a bit of depression and dp absolutely needs to take that into account when and how he speaks to dss 17!! being dumped by a girlfriend when he is still vulnerable is definitely not what he needed. you dp needs to remember that he himself moved on because it is easy for men to get another partner. the dss will never be able to get a new mother. nothing can ever replace her.

I’m going to say something controversial - I don’t think that just because the views he expressed when talking to his teenage son are obviously simplistic and outdated he’s a bad guy, you will know much better what sort of person he really is by how he has generally treated you and his kids and you seem pretty sensible so my guess is it’s not that consistent with this stuff. I do think some people, men in particular, can see the interactions between genders at this sort of age in a very basic way and yet have much more emotionally mature approaches to relationships between adults. I’ve certainly been guilty of the “all teenage boys are a bit rubbish and gross” generalisation and I still remember telling my teenage younger brother that to an extent getting girls to date him was a numbers game - if you don’t ask you don’t get - which obviously isn’t great advice when your older looking for a genuine partnership but when your a teenage just exploring things might not be bad advice. I’d have a decent talk with him and just raise your concerns about the messaging he is giving both kids not just for now but also for their later relationships in a nice non confrontational way and see what his responses tell you about what he wants as a life for his kids etc.

Oh dear what a mess.

I think you need to focus on what to do about this pregnancy.

I suppose from your p’s point of view, he’s been with at least two women even though he’s expressing views like that. Would make me want to walk away but clearly he must have some good qualities. I can’t really imagine what they would be though.

I really feel for your DSS but all you can do is just present an alternative view of life. He’s not yours to parent.

He’s sexist, not a great dad and lukewarm about the prospect of having another child.

The most important decision you can make on behalf of your child is the father you choose for them.

You need to really weigh up your options when it comes to this pregnancy. He’s not a good prospect as a partner or as a father.

You sound lovely. So does his son. The bloke on the other hand sounds like a sexist pig and I feel so sorry for his kids.

This man is a disgusting, open misogynist. And you’re just…sitting there? How can you be in a relationship with someone like this? What has happened in your life to make you think this is an acceptable partner?

You can’t stop him saying or thinking those things, but you can stop sitting there acting submissive while he does it, then carrying on dating him and even having a child with him. His poor son is being crushed by that constant drip of grotesque nastiness, and your baby will grow up hearing the same poison. You don’t have to fix him, but you do have to see how awful this is and remove yourself. Pretending it’s just something you’ve ‘tried’ to change while still building a life with him is lazy wilful blindness.

His precious little princess needs to stay away from men cause they are all fuckboys. But telling his son to be one.

Have you pointed out this lack of logic to him @DeepCy ?

Think long and hard about having him in your life for 20 years.
Do you really want to parent alone?
Don't go ahead with a pregnancy with a twat like this.
Better to move forward, he's not a good 'un.

So all this behaviour from your partner is just surfacing now, just around the same time as you find out your pregnant?

Your p has very odd and contradictory views about men and women, and for that alone I’d be seriously reconsidering the relationship. He’s a sexist, misogynistic twat. And the way he’s describing men? That’s clearly how HE thinks about women!

Have you asked him to explain his illogical views?

The way he spoke to his son was awful too - so disrespectful and disappointing, totally ignoring his son’s achievements. Truly crap parenting.

How do you feel about being pregnant and being tied to this man for the next 18+ years? I’d be running a mile.

I was just about to write the same
I think the father along with being an absolute tosser is showing some homophobic tendencies

i feel sorry for you OP if you have this baby you better hope they are perfect.
no disabilities
no being on the spectrum
definitely not gay / trans

they would either have to be a tough and tumble boy
or a perfect princess's

you have seen what he’s like to his kids
Im not sure why you want a baby with him

Sounds like a right prick

Are you dating Andrew Tate? He sounds awful.

Well aside from being a terrible father, and a sexist pig, he's stupid too - writing songs gets loads of men laid who otherwise wouldn't be so lucky! Just ask Lewis Capaldi, or Chris Martin, or Ed Sheeran...

What a prick he is! I would argue back with him in front of DSS every single time. He should be proud of his son!

But mostly I would dump him.