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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

WIBU to step away from a friend who is in an abusive relationship?

48 replies

Imstuck15 · 25/08/2025 11:32

My close friend Abby has been with her fiancé Ben for 2 years. From the beginning I noticed red flags. Love bombing, flowers sent to her desk weekly. Promising her the world. Buying her designer items constantly etc. Whilst she thought it was sweet, from the outside looking in it seemed obsessive.

The proposal came within a couple of months, as did pregnancy and buying a place together.

The cracks started to show soon enough, and I was the only person who knew. What began with monthly issues, turned into weekly and now sometimes daily. I have spent a lot of time talking to Abby about Ben and how emotionally abusive he is. Controlling, nasty, calls her every name under the sun.

Every time she tells me she’s leaving, I will then log onto Instagram to see a photo of them enjoying a meal out together. Or how much she loves him.

The other day I spent 3 hours talking to her about him, for her to break up with him and then low and behold they are now back together with a happy photo of them both on social media. When I reach out to make sure she’s okay, she told me not to ask as they are happy now.

I know she is vulnerable but it is extremely hard to hear all of these nasty things someone is doing or calling your friend to then be told they are happy and in love and not to ask questions. It is taking a toll on my mental health and I have decided it is best if I take a step back and whilst being in the back ground if she ever left and needed me, let her get on with her own choices.

I feel extremely guilty

OP posts:
GentleSheep · 25/08/2025 11:36

I think you're doing the right thing by stepping back. You've tried everything you can think of to try to get through to her - you can only do so much. I'm surprised Ben hasn't stopped her seeing you!

QPZM · 25/08/2025 11:38

I'd feel guilty too.

I know it can be draining (cutting down on the 3 hour conversations will help with that).

But at the end of the day, it's a tale as old as time and they won't split until it's finally over.

If you don't want to be a listening ear between now and whenever that time comes, you're of course entitled to step away.

OnlyMabelInTheBuilding · 25/08/2025 11:38

I have done this. It was taking its toll on me and my DC. She was becoming aggressive to me, and her DC was aggressive to my DC.

You can’t help people until they want to be helped.

Original poster
Imstuck15 · 25/08/2025 11:38

GentleSheep · 25/08/2025 11:36

I think you're doing the right thing by stepping back. You've tried everything you can think of to try to get through to her - you can only do so much. I'm surprised Ben hasn't stopped her seeing you!

I feel like as you say I cannot do anymore! I find it hard to hear how he treats her, she’s devastated and I’m sitting there worried whilst they then go out and have date nights and carry on as normal and I’m in the background worrying about her? My mind can’t take the worry anymore

OP posts:
Original poster
Imstuck15 · 25/08/2025 11:40

OnlyMabelInTheBuilding · 25/08/2025 11:38

I have done this. It was taking its toll on me and my DC. She was becoming aggressive to me, and her DC was aggressive to my DC.

You can’t help people until they want to be helped.

I’ve just gone back to work after Mat leave and I do feel like I spent so much time listening to her on the phone or in person about Ben! I feel guilty I didn’t put boundaries on as it probably caused stress when I should of been enjoying my DC

OP posts:
MySweetMaggie · 25/08/2025 11:42

I think you're doing the right thing stepping back. Sounds like you're getting drained and taking three hours out of your day to listen to her is a lot.

Sunshineandblueskysalltheway · 25/08/2025 11:43

Ben is waiting for you to 'take a step back'. He is banking on it.

By all means do because she is her own responsibility. But make sure she knows you're still her friend. And definitely make sure Ben knows that too.

Original poster
Imstuck15 · 25/08/2025 11:43

MySweetMaggie · 25/08/2025 11:42

I think you're doing the right thing stepping back. Sounds like you're getting drained and taking three hours out of your day to listen to her is a lot.

I just don’t know what to say to her next time she calls me or wants to see me to chat about Ben. Do I just tell her I’m stepping back

i don’t want her to want to end the friendship because she thinks I’m not being supportive as I hate the thought of her dealing with things alone. But I also can’t continue this cycle

OP posts:
EdgyCrab · 25/08/2025 11:44

Hi OP

You are in a really difficult situation. I was sort of in this spot, and was on the verge of being 'done' with a friend, but they split before I made that call. I was young and think maybe I'd do things differently now.

I want to preface what I'll say next by saying you are perfectly entitled to protect your well-being and state of mind, this situation is clearly taking a toll. What I will also say is that at the point an abused partner does decide to leave, having a trusted person who they can confide it and rely on can play an invaluable role in actually leaving and supporting them, making them feel less alone. Is there any way that you can take a step back mentally and being more 'sanguine' about the situ, while staying in some form of less frequent contact with your friend?

You will know the right decision of course and I wouldn't blame you in the slightest for stepping away, just trying to give a different perspective.

Lottapianos · 25/08/2025 11:44

'When I reach out to make sure she’s okay, she told me not to ask as they are happy now.'

Take that as your cue to back right off and leave her to it. I know you are trying your hardest to be a good friend, but honestly, it's time to put yourself first. It can be really tiring and distressing being around this kind of horrible relationship dynamic. I've been in both positions in the past - the person in the horrible relationship, and the friend on the sidelines - so I speak from experience

She will need to find her own way out of this. Stay in touch if you want to, but I wouldn't be available for any more conversations about how awful he is, unless she is getting serious about making changes. Good luck, it's a very tough position to be in

Original poster
Imstuck15 · 25/08/2025 11:45

Sunshineandblueskysalltheway · 25/08/2025 11:43

Ben is waiting for you to 'take a step back'. He is banking on it.

By all means do because she is her own responsibility. But make sure she knows you're still her friend. And definitely make sure Ben knows that too.

Yes I agree. I’ve seen other red flags too, him not wanting to be around her parents or members of family. Him telling her where she can or cannot take their child.

OP posts:
AnotherDayAnotherDog · 25/08/2025 11:45

Step back and tell her why. ‘I cannot bear to keep hearing about you being abused, knowing that you keep going back for more. I can’t see you again until you decide to leave Ben. At that point I’ll be there to help you.’ Much more powerful than trying to persuade her to leave.

BoredZelda · 25/08/2025 11:46

Glad you put names in. How on earth would the story have made sense with out them. 🤷‍♀️

Original poster
Imstuck15 · 25/08/2025 11:46

EdgyCrab · 25/08/2025 11:44

Hi OP

You are in a really difficult situation. I was sort of in this spot, and was on the verge of being 'done' with a friend, but they split before I made that call. I was young and think maybe I'd do things differently now.

I want to preface what I'll say next by saying you are perfectly entitled to protect your well-being and state of mind, this situation is clearly taking a toll. What I will also say is that at the point an abused partner does decide to leave, having a trusted person who they can confide it and rely on can play an invaluable role in actually leaving and supporting them, making them feel less alone. Is there any way that you can take a step back mentally and being more 'sanguine' about the situ, while staying in some form of less frequent contact with your friend?

You will know the right decision of course and I wouldn't blame you in the slightest for stepping away, just trying to give a different perspective.

Absolutely - I think I will tell her that I’m unable to help her anymore with Ben but if she wants to go for walks, talk about other things to get out an about or if she does ever leave him then I will be there for her

OP posts:
Lottapianos · 25/08/2025 11:48

AnotherDayAnotherDog · 25/08/2025 11:45

Step back and tell her why. ‘I cannot bear to keep hearing about you being abused, knowing that you keep going back for more. I can’t see you again until you decide to leave Ben. At that point I’ll be there to help you.’ Much more powerful than trying to persuade her to leave.

I like this approach - you're being very clear about your concern for her, but also confronting her (gently) with the toll that it's taking on you, and what you can and can't tolerate going forward

Original poster
Imstuck15 · 25/08/2025 11:48

BoredZelda · 25/08/2025 11:46

Glad you put names in. How on earth would the story have made sense with out them. 🤷‍♀️

This AIBU is about quite a sensitive subject of abuse and you have decided to make this comment? No helpful advice, just rude. I hope you never find yourself in mine or my friends position

OP posts:
Lottapianos · 25/08/2025 11:49

BoredZelda · 25/08/2025 11:46

Glad you put names in. How on earth would the story have made sense with out them. 🤷‍♀️

Take your nastiness somewhere else

Theoldbird · 25/08/2025 11:51

Imstuck15 · 25/08/2025 11:40

I’ve just gone back to work after Mat leave and I do feel like I spent so much time listening to her on the phone or in person about Ben! I feel guilty I didn’t put boundaries on as it probably caused stress when I should of been enjoying my DC

Show quote history

This makes me sad, that it affected the amount of time and enjoyment you got in your mat leave with your dc. Definitely step back! She is trauma dumping on you, feeling lighter and going back to her abusive relationship. If she knows she can't do that anymore she may be forced to take action when there's no one there to dump her emotional pain onto.

MySweetMaggie · 25/08/2025 11:52

Imstuck15 · 25/08/2025 11:43

I just don’t know what to say to her next time she calls me or wants to see me to chat about Ben. Do I just tell her I’m stepping back

i don’t want her to want to end the friendship because she thinks I’m not being supportive as I hate the thought of her dealing with things alone. But I also can’t continue this cycle

Show quote history

If it were me, I'd be honest and tell her it's affecting you too much to hear all the terrible behaviours and then see them together and happy. That you'd love a relationship with her, not be her counsellor for her relationship with him. She's dumping on you to get it all out.

Original poster
Imstuck15 · 25/08/2025 11:52

Lottapianos · 25/08/2025 11:48

I like this approach - you're being very clear about your concern for her, but also confronting her (gently) with the toll that it's taking on you, and what you can and can't tolerate going forward

Show quote history

I guess the honest reality is that I’m starting to feel resentment towards my friend because she emotionally dumps on me when times are tough and when her and Ben get back together she then tells me to not ask about her and that they love each other so I feel like I’m in an awkward situation.

I feel resentment because of the toll it takes on me, and whilst she continues to go back to him I then have to keep my mouth shut until the next week when he’s upset her

I think I will just have an honest chat with her and tell her nothing I can do will change the situation but I’ll always be there should she ever leave him

OP posts:
Original poster
Imstuck15 · 25/08/2025 11:53

Lottapianos · 25/08/2025 11:48

I like this approach - you're being very clear about your concern for her, but also confronting her (gently) with the toll that it's taking on you, and what you can and can't tolerate going forward

Show quote history

I guess the honest reality is that I’m starting to feel resentment towards my friend because she emotionally dumps on me when times are tough and when her and Ben get back together she then tells me to not ask about her and that they love each other so I feel like I’m in an awkward situation.

I feel resentment because of the toll it takes on me, and whilst she continues to go back to him I then have to keep my mouth shut until the next week when he’s upset her

I think I will just have an honest chat with her and tell her nothing I can do will change the situation but I’ll always be there should she ever leave him

OP posts:
Lavender14 · 25/08/2025 11:53

This is extremely difficult op. I'd actually take a look at the cycle of domestic violence diagram online as it might help you get a clearer picture of what's actually happening in her world and how she's being manipulated. It won't change anything but it just might help you to understand what you've been trying to support her through.

I think your mental health is very important and at the end of the day, it could take years for her to leave. What I would do, if you really can't cope with it anymore, is meet up with her, I'd give her a copy of the cycle of violence diagram and a phone number for womens aid and I'd tell her straight that you love her, you are deeply worried about her safety and that you'll always be there for her but you cannot continue to be a listening ear unless she's ready to make actual changes because the worry is making you ill. I'd tell her that your door is always open and if there ever comes a point where she needs to flee etc that you'll welcome her with open arms but until she reaches that point in herself you are going to stop asking about the relationship.

Then I'd try to continue seeing her if you can and just stick to other topics.

One of the awful things about dv is how it isolates victims and that makes it even harder for them to leave. You don't need to carry guilt about it as you are also important, but you do need to find a boundary that works for you while still maintaining some level of communication with her.

And if you can't deal with seeing her at all then you tell her the door is always open when she's ready but you need to take a step back until that point.

Original poster
Imstuck15 · 25/08/2025 11:53

MySweetMaggie · 25/08/2025 11:52

If it were me, I'd be honest and tell her it's affecting you too much to hear all the terrible behaviours and then see them together and happy. That you'd love a relationship with her, not be her counsellor for her relationship with him. She's dumping on you to get it all out.

Show quote history

Thank you - I agree with everything you’ve said x

OP posts:
Lottapianos · 25/08/2025 11:55

'I guess the honest reality is that I’m starting to feel resentment towards my friend because she emotionally dumps on me when times are tough'

You're being picked up and put down at her convenience and that's a shitty feeling. Not at all surprised that you're feeling resentful

Lavender14 · 25/08/2025 11:55

Also, the next time she tells you not to ask her you need to be honest and tell her that what she's asking of you is unrealistic. She can't talk to you about how unsafe and awful it is and then expect you to pretend she never said anything. Whatever he's done to "make up" doesn't create a sudden clean slate and just because she's pretending it does doesn't mean she can expect others to do the same as you'll still be worried about her.