WIBU to step away from a friend who is in an abusive relationship?

[Imstuck15]

My close friend Abby has been with her fiancé Ben for 2 years. From the beginning I noticed red flags. Love bombing, flowers sent to her desk weekly. Promising her the world. Buying her designer items constantly etc. Whilst she thought it was sweet, from the outside looking in it seemed obsessive.

The proposal came within a couple of months, as did pregnancy and buying a place together.

The cracks started to show soon enough, and I was the only person who knew. What began with monthly issues, turned into weekly and now sometimes daily. I have spent a lot of time talking to Abby about Ben and how emotionally abusive he is. Controlling, nasty, calls her every name under the sun.

Every time she tells me she’s leaving, I will then log onto Instagram to see a photo of them enjoying a meal out together. Or how much she loves him.

The other day I spent 3 hours talking to her about him, for her to break up with him and then low and behold they are now back together with a happy photo of them both on social media. When I reach out to make sure she’s okay, she told me not to ask as they are happy now.

I know she is vulnerable but it is extremely hard to hear all of these nasty things someone is doing or calling your friend to then be told they are happy and in love and not to ask questions. It is taking a toll on my mental health and I have decided it is best if I take a step back and whilst being in the back ground if she ever left and needed me, let her get on with her own choices.

I feel extremely guilty

Thank you so so much for this advice! I found it so helpful

This is what I feel resentment about. She gets defensive and makes me feel bad for asking if she’s ok?

I was in the same situation. I stepped back and was available when it all came crashing down and that it did.

Did you tell your friend you was stepping back? What I’m worried about is a falling out and then her be totally alone!

It can be exhausting watching a friend/family in this situation. I would step back but tell Abby you still care about her and will be there for her if/when she decides to leave.

What a pointless post and what a weird thing to criticise.

I think you’re right to step back OP. You can only help, guide and advise people up to a point. Nothing will change until they’re ready themselves.

She won't ever leave him. He will decide when the relationship will end.

It sounds like the relationship is in the devaluation phase, which is usually the longest of the three phases of a toxic, narcissistic relationship (love-bombing, devaluation and discard).

The narcissist almost always controls the phases, so he will decide when to discard her. Obviously she could do the discarding, but from what you have said, that is unlikely to happen.

It's rare for the non-narcissist to end the relationship and when they do, the narcissist's rage can be quite terrible.

Once discarded, if she is really unlucky, he will add the optional "hoovering" stage, when he will keep coming back only to discard her again, sometimes multiple times. She will definitely need you then.

In the meantime, keep your distance. The manipulation is strong and he might start using you in his toxic games.

I have been in this situation. I understand how upsetting it is to see this happen to someone you care enormously about and who you know would have your back if it happened to you. My friend spent years crying about him and then married him despite insisting she wouldn't; she has insisted he's a changed man, which I don't believe. I don't even ask about him anymore and refuse to socialise with him, but have let her know she will always be my friend and I am here for her.

At the end of the day your friend knows deep down what she has to do, but isn't in a place to get out of it yet. Just keep lines of communication and invitations open, so that she knows she's still important to you and that you'll be there for her.

There is only so much head desking people can do, i would move on I dont need to take on other people's dramas, she has brains if she doesn't want to use them that is on here nothing anyone will say will make a difference, focus on your own life

You need to put your mental health first. Put boundaries in that's fine. Let her know you'll be there for her and you value her friendship. These bi weekly chats about Ben can't continue.

You don't have to tell her explicitly that you're pulling back. You can tell her it's weighing on you, and you know it must be ten times worse for her, so why don't the two of you do some nice things together (a walk/cinema, something like that if she can)? And see how that goes.

Some people like drama and maybe your friend is one of them. Some people thrive on others drama ( and at the expense of their own dc)amd maybe you are one of them.
She's told you what to do so just do it.

I sort of had this situation, although the male partner was frankly dangerous and had done time.

I stepped back because it became clear at some point that something awful was going to happen and there was no talking any sense to my friend. I was worried that we (me, hubs, family) would get dragged into a situation that could get seriously out of control.

It took a few months, but the inevitable happened, and she ended up having to move to Wales. She left her kids here.

It was very sad. She'd had a horrible (although very rich) upbringing herself and I think she was just too familiar with putting up with horrendous crap. She couldn't see what was down the line.

Sometimes, you just have to cut the rope and save yourself.

I guess the honest reality is that I’m starting to feel resentment towards my friend because she emotionally dumps on me when times are tough and when her and Ben get back together she then tells me to not ask about her and that they love each other so I feel like I’m in an awkward situation.

I would tell her this.

Whereas she is experiencing the highs and lows of her relationship, you are only experiencing the lows and at a time in your life when you should be focused on other things - like the time with your baby amd happy little family you're never going to get back whilst listening to her for hours on end.

You are important too.

@Imstuck15

Pretty much this. ⬆️ Tell her you'll be there for her but cannot continue to let it affect your mental health & overshadow what should be happy time with your young family. It doesn't make you a bad person & you have nothing to feel guilty about.

This sounds like a great approach. “ As you know I think that Ben’s behaviour is abusive. Happy to meet or chat on the phone but I do not want to chat about your relationship any more. If you decide to leave then I will be there to support you.”

Yes Zelda, you are indeed bored

What a pointless, unpleasant response.

It can take years for someone to leave a controlling & abusive partner. Don't blame her, please. She needs support, although I know it is frustrating. My dm spent 40 years trying to leave my f.

You need to protect yourself by being more detached but don't give up on her completely.

I have a friend in a similar situation. I've long given up expecting her to leave when she says she's going to. It's just too hard, too frightening, it's easier to believe his bullshit about it never happening again.

BUT, she knows she can always come here and offload when she needs to. The kettle will always be on. And she knows the spare room is hers when she finally makes the leap. No judgement.

I hope knowing she has somewhere to bolt to helps in a small way.

I have this problem with my lovely SIL. Her partner is emotionally abusive to her and their kids, he’s a shit dad, and he acts like she doesn’t exist most of the time. She’ll tell us how bad things are, ask for advice, talk about how she’s going to leave and start again with the kids etc. And then next thing you know she’s tagging him in stuff on Insta and putting love hearts etc.

I think some people won’t listen to anyone or take any action until they’re ready. So we don’t talk to her about him anymore, because it feels like banging our heads off a brick wall! And she’ll change things when she’s ready to.

She's getting defensive because deep down she knows that you're right and that if you question her she'll be confronted with the fact the relationship is abusive and toxic and that she needs to leave. Right now she's being promised things she deeply wants and she's maybe not emotionally ready to face the grief, uncertainty and maybe certain vulnerability (financial/ housing/ his reaction etc) that comes with ending an abusive relationship so when you're asking her she can't deny that and she's confronted with all of the above. So it's easier for her to try to shut you down because she feels powerless in the face of all the rest.

It's completely fair for you to call her out gently on this. What she's doing is completely normal and natural and many, many victims of dv will go through this process lots of times as they think they're reaching the point where they can't take it any more but then are manipulated back in with more false promises. So I think it's important to recognise this isn't just her being dramatic etc, it's the outworking of the cycle of abuse the difficulty is you're seeing it with clear eyes and she isn't because she's embroiled in the emotional manipulation of it all. So that's incredibly frustrating for you and will look like defensiveness from her.

A work colleague had similar with a friend. She was always there to pick her up after issues with the partner and then ut became physical. She had her at the hospital/walk in centres at least 5 times. Fully supported her, got advice from various charities etc. She really challenged her friend on leaving him, her safety, the kids etc only to be told yo 'shut up about it' , she 'didnt know what she was talking about there weren't any issues' and she 'wasn't a real friend'.

My colleague took a physical step back and said she would always be her friend but she could no longer support in regards to her DH, didn't want to talk about him, wouldn't be available the next time he beat her etc because she just couldn't keep doing it.

SS actually became involved when the neighbours could hear screaming and the police were involved (kids were at home, hysterical but physically unharmed, but DA to a mother is also seen as the kids suffering from it). She never left him. Kids were traumatised but not if you asked their mum, they were fine!