To be frustrated as hell with this situation

[Feron2]

My DP used to work in the legal field. I’ve got some stuff I need to sort out with a solicitor, and he’s put me in touch with an ex colleague. I don’t want to say what it is as it’s identifying but the situation also involves him and some joint decision making. Basically it’s a joint discussion/decision between DP and I but me that’ll ultimately be signing.

I don’t really like the solicitor but DP respects him and DP came along to our first meeting and really helped guide me through the process.

I’m due to meet this guy again at lunchtime. I’ve been dreading it.

When I saw DP this morning, the last thing I said before he left for work was “I’m so glad you’re coming with me. I can’t stand this stuff. It confuses me no end and I find Mr Solicitor a bit much”.

It turns out we can’t actually execute what we thought we’d do today anyway and will be delayed a month, but Mr Solicitor wants to meet anyway to talk through some things and to collect some info from me. He isn’t charging us for this appointment.

I tried to push back as I’ve got a busy day, but DP really insisted we go ahead.

DP has just called to tell me he’ll be late as he has a friend who is going through a tricky time and wants a chat, but he’ll join the appointment later. When I asked how late, he couldn’t tell me how long (I asked if we were talking minutes or hours…but he couldn’t confirm).

He said Mr Solicitor would probably use the time to just gather my personal info anyway.

It’s really pissed me off. I cannot stand Mr Solicitor and wouldn’t have chosen to meet him. The legal jargon is so much easier to navigate with DP there and furthermore, any decision making involves us both.

I said I’d very gladly cancel the meeting to a time that he’d be around but he said no, we should go ahead today and he’d just get there when he got there.

We never row but we’ve just had a real shout at each other about it.

Just for clarity, DP doesn’t benefit from pushing me to sign anything or from the situation at all, so there’s no ulterior motive on his part here. He just didn’t think it would be an issue to be late, and I really don’t want to do the appointment without him, particularly with no specifics about how late he’d be.

I don’t see why we can’t cancel the appointment and postpone it anyway, given we can’t even move forward for a month!

Does your DH know how you feel? It sounds like he hasn’t fully realised that you don’t feel comfortable in meetings with this solicitor. It would be easy for him because he understands everything so maybe it’s hard for him to see it from the perspective of someone who doesn’t understand. If you’re really that worried I’d cancel the appointment. You and your DH need to have a chat about it.

I'm struggling to see why you didn't tell your DP right from the outset that you don't like his ex colleague and that you would prefer to deal with some other solicitor. It seems crazy that you dislike the person so much you dread meetings with him and you really don't want to meet him by yourself.
You definitely give the impression, rightly or wrongly , that you have no agency in your own life and you feel you have to go along with what your DP wants. It's actually quite concerning.

Yes he absolutely knows. I have talked endlessly about how I don’t like the Mr Solicitor and hate dealing with this stuff, and enthused over how helpful it was to have him there for it.

It’s not the case at all that I don’t have agency. On the contrary really!

It’s more just that I let DP run with this one as it was his field of expertise. As long as he was there for the appointments with Mr Solicitor, I’m fine with it. I don’t hate the guy, I just find his manner annoying. It’s only likely to be 3 meetings in total with him, and he’s done some good leg work for us so I was fine to stick with it. I did want to cancel it today though once we found out it was no longer urgent, and DP persuaded me to stick with it to get the admin done.

That said, I didn’t mind going ahead, I just him to at least tell me how late he’d be, and whether he was sure he’d be here for the important parts of the meeting. And he said he didn’t know (although later said I should’ve just trusted he’d be there when he needed to be).

I wasn’t best pleased he’d made other plans anyway but I was ok to accommodate, as long as he was here when I needed him.

He’s cancelled on his friend now so now we’ve both got the hump!

I’d be worried that you are signing a legal document (which suggests it’s something important) that involves your DP’s input, but your DP is coming along to discuss things with you and your lawyer. You should absolutely speak to a solicitor on your own as their advice may be different when your DP isn’t there. This is your legal advice, not your DP’s. If you didn’t like the guy, go somewhere else and pay for it. If it’s something important, are you sure this guy is going to do everything properly? I’d accept a homer on legal stuff for form filling and simple things, but not for free advice. I’d only be willing to advise people on what they could effectively google so I’d just be simplifying/explaining things for them. What’s the issue you need advice on?

3 meetings must be a few hundred pounds! That’s a lot of free legal advice that I would be going out of my way to make as easy as possible for the friend.

Also, are you officially his client? Signed all the relevant paperwork? Are you covered by professional indemnity?

Well your update paints a slightly different picture OP but the fact you feel you need your DP to be there at these appointments is still concerning.
I agree with @Lolapusht

There is absolutely no benefit to my DP either way of whatever the outcome is or which solicitor I use. He’s just using his friend as he trusts him.

The legal advice benefits both of us equally, but it is me that has to sign.

I don’t want to go into details as it’s a very specific situation and is identifying. Apologies for the vagueness!

You are indeed getting a lot of advice for free but I’m more concerned that you seem to be very passive about this.

if you are ultimately the one who has to sign this is your responsibility. You really owe it to your future self to understand what is going on here and not just leave it to someone else.

good luck getting to grips with it.

Put on your big girl pants and get on with it!
It’s not ideal, but you are creating a huge fuss over something that a grown up should be able to deal with and get over.

I really should. I feel a bit embarrassed that I didn’t just say it was fine, and meet Mr Solicitor alone. I’m fiercely independent usually and have dealt with many things like this myself over the years.

I think I was just frustrated that DP knew how much Mr Solicitor grates on me, and still wouldn’t commit to how late he’d be to the meeting.

I’m just surprised that you’re meeting this solicitor at lunchtime on a bank holiday…

Not everyone on MN lives in the UK!

If solicitor guy is doing this on a favour basis (mates’ rates/slotting you in as a favour?) your DH might be thinking it’s rude to cancel at short notice when SG could have made his hourly rate with another client. Just a guess.

You do sound quite anxious about it, honestly - that you ‘can’t stand’ the guy (in your OP) etc, having big shouting matches over it. Does your DH really understand that this is worrying you?

Totally agree. What on earth is so frightening about this solicitor who is trying to do you a favour?

It’s more just that I really didn’t want the appointment today once we found out we couldn’t take any actual action for another month anyway. I’ve got 100 other things to do so I’d rather have root canal than do this today. I’d have loved to postpone it now we knew it wasn’t urgent.

DP felt we should keep it and get the admin done (and probably not let down his friend, as PP said) and then wouldn’t commit to when he’d actually show up to it, as he’d randomly made other plans.

That was the crux of it really.

You’re getting free legal advice, I’d show up when told!

How much is this guy saving you>

You don’t need to like him, you need to trust he’s giving you accurate legal advice. As a pp said, this is your legal issue so you really need to women up and take charge of it.

DP has arranged this guy for you. I appreciate you don’t like him, but he is a professional, you are a grown up. Just get it done. Don’t embarrass your DP by being difficult with someone who is doing you both a favour.

I think you’re totally over reacting

you need advice. Your dp has put you in touch with an expert in this field. You are more than capable of discussing this alone and if there’s stuff you don’t understand ask the solicitor to explain. That’s what we all do because they are the expert hence why we’re seeing them
id be annoyed at you if you were my dp and just giving me grief over this !

Sorry I should clarify Mr Solicitor hasn’t given us anything free he wouldn’t have to do for another client! He’ll still ultimately make money out of this, and no less than he’d make from anyone else.

Not trying to drip feed but I stepped away to give this some thought as wasn’t sure why I’m so annoyed about it.

I think it’s also because DP and the friend he’s meeting (the one who’d cause him to be late, not Mr Solicitor) are both retired, whereas I work long hours. So they could’ve met up at any other hour of the day!

I’d been reluctant to keep the appointment time today once I found out it was no longer urgent, as I had other work priorities, but as it was DP’s friend, I stuck with it.

So I was annoyed that he’d made other plans at the one time we were both supposed to meet Mr Solicitor, particularly because we’d need to give Mr Solicitor some direction today, that required both of our input.

Thanks again for understanding that I don’t want to put the specifics here. I know it’s confusing that I’m the one signing but it’s very much a joint decision between DP and I. As I said, it’s very niche.

So switch to someone you like better? We have an architect acquaintance who’s done us freebies over the years — I find him deeply annoying, possibly rather unfairly, but he’s saving us money and time, so I deal with meetings. (I should say DH has done him considerable professional favours in return, too.)

It's quite clear you could "be a big girl / grown up / any other infantilising descriptor mnetters are throwing at you" but you prefer having your DP there to deal with legal jargon buffer Mr Arseholel. An important legal meeting that will also (financially?) benefit your DP without any action other than his arse on a chair in a meeting room, should not be so easily passed over because a friend wanted a chat FFS. It's about priorities.

Exactly this. I am a perfectly intelligent human, it’s just much easier to have him there as it’s his actual field of expertise.

It’s somewhat to do with estate planning if something happened to both of us (hence he doesn’t benefit over me) but this particular piece relates to me.

I’d already told him I wanted him there for both moral and practical support, so was annoyed he literally made other plans and couldn’t commit to when he’d show up. He has umpteen other hours free in the day.

Ok, interesting update.

seems your annoyance is actually with your DP prioritising his friend over supporting you but you are redirecting the annoyance to Mr Solicitor.

Might that me what is going on here?