Does my husband do enough?

[Lalaland1956]

AIBU to think my husband could help more around the house?
Or AIBN and he’s doing his fair share?

We both work full-time and have two young children (aged 3 and 6), so life is full-on.

What he does:

• Puts the washing on (usually with reminders) and puts it away—sometimes I help with this.
• Takes the bins out.
• Does the washing up and loads the dishwasher after dinner.
• Manages the financial admin—bills, switching providers, budgeting, insurances, MOT, etc.

What I do:

• All meal planning, food shopping, cooking, and prepping.
• All cleaning in between having a cleaner every two weeks.
• Laundry —put on, change beds, wash towels, and sorting kids’ clothes when they’ve out grown them.
• Childcare logistics—school/nursery communication, forms, events, school uniform.
• Emotional —keeping track of birthdays, gifts, play dates, family visits, and social calendars.
• Health admin—GP appointments, prescriptions, managing sick days.
• Home maintenance—chasing repairs, liaising with tradespeople about 50/50 between us
• Homework and reading.
• Packing for holidays, day trips, and managing seasonal wardrobe changes.
•making sure nursery fees are paid, school breakfast club booked and paid etc.

It feels like I’m carrying the mental load and the bulk of the day-to-day running of the household and family life. He’s helpful in specific areas but I’m not sure what is reasonable?

He is getting away with murder.

You say you do laundry but he's doing the washing and putting away? Chucking out clothes that are outgrown isn't a big job. I'd say it's pretty even, but because you're both knackered and doing a lot you feel resentful anyway.

No, your husband does not do enough.

He could easily take on all of the laundry jobs (without having to be told to do them as having to remind and organise someone to do a job isn’t actually lightening your load), food shopping & meal planning, house maintenance and holiday packing to even things up a bit. Again, not in a half-arsed you need to micro-manage him way, but in a responsible grown-up way.

If you live in a house you should be willing to take of that house.

Why do you do all the housework?!

What hobbies does he have? How much child-free time does he get?

I think he could be doing some cleaning , mopping , hoovering too

I'm a single parent and do the lot, including earring all the money, so his contribution sounds good to me.

He isn't doing half, he should be doing half.

You should each have free leisure time.

You appear to be making a big deal out of some of these tasks: paying nursery fees is a five minute job surely?
The same with dentist appointments etc- just make another appointment at the end of the check up.

Agree, you’re overblowing your own tasks to make your list seem worse. Not saying he can’t do more, but don’t exaggerate.

Ay I think he's doing alright to be fair.

It's not perfect but it's not bad. You're a team, remember that. It's hard in the early years (we are there, too), and it's easy to get into arguments about who does more etc (we do that alot!).

My fiancé does a similar amount to your DH so I understand your frustration, but on the whole OP I'd say it's not too shabby.

7.5/10

My DH does the bins and the financial admin.
He renders more hours than me and always has. I had seven years "off" with the dc.

We have been married for more than 34 years and I'd say our input has been equal and we have both had equal free time. Division of responsibilities has been fair. There were periods when he worked far more overall.

Surgeon genre. The rewards have been worthwhile.

@Lalaland1956 do you work equally.

The financial admin is quite a lot- I think you are underestimating this and exaggerating some of the items on your list. Ie) seasonal wardrobe changes and holiday packing.

However- I would even this out by sharing homework and reading, household repairs and keeping track of birthdays (surely he should do his family’s side and you do yours).

How much cleaning is needed between the cleaner weeks? That seems like something you could share too.

There is only one test imo - does everything get done whilst you have equal free time?

Financial admin only needs doing once a year if that!!!

I don't see seasonal wardrobe changes and holiday packing as regular jobs so it's unfair to include them. My husband does the financial admin and that sometimes can take a longtime. Why have you said he does the laundry with reminders and then put laundry on your list? I think your jobs are also relevant too. Me and DH both work full time but his job is much more stressful than mine and can require him to do on call so I tend to pick up the slack and do more household/kid stuff

I think you are over egging what you do tbh. Seasonal wardrobe changes and emotional? The trade is also down as 50/50 but only on your list? Also as PP pointed out paying nursery is a two minute job once per month. I’m not saying he couldn’t do more he should definitely be helping with the cleaning but I think you are over estimating what you do. I have a four and five year old myself and I know it can be tough.

You have to look at time and free time. Is he sat with his feet up while you are rushing about? If so, there’s a problem. When he sits down pass him a job.

Are you serious?

Really? Paying bills, checking credit card statements and paying them, finance spreadsheet to be updated, insurance renewals, interest rate reviews, there can be loads

OP you’ve micro listed your roles to make your list sound longer. Many tasks are once a month or less type things. And you’ve put liaising with trades people 50:50 in YOUR list. Even though you do it 50:50.

perhaps he feels you minimise what he does.

Once a year?!?!! At least monthly for most

If you both work full time then the home stuff should be 50:50. Our household split of jobs is pretty much the same as yours but my husband works full time (in a stressful job that is not a typical 9-5 so can sometimes work 50+ hours a week) whereas I work 22 hours a week term time only.

What would you like him to do more of?

Sounds similar here though I also do all financial admin and he does DIY/garden. I find it frustrating because he tends to do the noticeable jobs whereas getting dinner on the table everyday is taken for granted and I think it's a huge task with meal planning and the actual cooking.

My DP gets more free time than me but overall we play to our strengths (paying nursery might be a 5 mins job but it still needs remembering to be done and my DP would not manage to do this type of admin without getting massively stressed out, missing multiple payments etc) and I couldn't do the jobs he does.

Who does more childcare in your situation? And how does free time work out? What would you want to change?

If he's doing the laundry and doing the washing up and loading up dishwasher every day it sounds like he does quite as lot, plus you have a cleaner as well so it's not like a lot of situations where you're doing heaps while he sits around. Do you think you have equal down time?

I hate these kinda threads. Firstly, seasonal wardrobe changes is a job, give over! Secondly, it's whatever works for your family. I do 90% of the standard household jobs and it doesn't bother me, it's what works for us. Nobody can tell you if he does enough, it's for you to decide based on your household needs.