Does my husband do enough?

[Lalaland1956]

AIBU to think my husband could help more around the house?
Or AIBN and he’s doing his fair share?

We both work full-time and have two young children (aged 3 and 6), so life is full-on.

What he does:

• Puts the washing on (usually with reminders) and puts it away—sometimes I help with this.
• Takes the bins out.
• Does the washing up and loads the dishwasher after dinner.
• Manages the financial admin—bills, switching providers, budgeting, insurances, MOT, etc.

What I do:

• All meal planning, food shopping, cooking, and prepping.
• All cleaning in between having a cleaner every two weeks.
• Laundry —put on, change beds, wash towels, and sorting kids’ clothes when they’ve out grown them.
• Childcare logistics—school/nursery communication, forms, events, school uniform.
• Emotional —keeping track of birthdays, gifts, play dates, family visits, and social calendars.
• Health admin—GP appointments, prescriptions, managing sick days.
• Home maintenance—chasing repairs, liaising with tradespeople about 50/50 between us
• Homework and reading.
• Packing for holidays, day trips, and managing seasonal wardrobe changes.
•making sure nursery fees are paid, school breakfast club booked and paid etc.

It feels like I’m carrying the mental load and the bulk of the day-to-day running of the household and family life. He’s helpful in specific areas but I’m not sure what is reasonable?

You have listed a load of stuff that is ad hoc on yours but not in his. Actual jobs that would be pretty much daily or weekly seems fair to me.

He could be doing a lot more. His ‘jobs’ are all pretty quick and easy stuff that’s just done as part of the general day (washing up/loading the dishwasher).

Please tell me you’re not keeping track of his families birthdays?!

There’s scope here to divvy things up much more fairly - bills and admin pretty much automated/on line these day, MOT is once a year FFS!

You need equal downtime and child free time too. Share the homework as well - once they get older is becomes WAY more of a chore when they push back and won’t do it/mess around and procrastinate etc. Homework at senior school can take the whole evening and weekend AND/OR a whole lot of nagging.

I agree, however he should sort his families birthdays etc.
Also from day 1 there's been a rule we iron our own clothes (the adults obvs). That's a big one.

Minus the financial admin my 10 year old does similar to your partner. My husband does waaaay more. So you're not being unreasonable at all.

The thing that strikes me is that you each have your own jobs rather than sharing things. Do you get sick of always doing the cooking? Maybe it would be fairer to split that?

Also - definitely stop buying birthday and Christmas presents for his family if you do that! On principle that's a job that should be his!

I'd sit down and write down absolutely everything that needs doing to keep your home and family life going. Then between you divvy up what feels fair for both of you. Is it possible he isn't even aware of half the stuff because it's "invisible" I'd also talk to him about the mental load maybe show him the illustrated mental load by Emma someone I think 🤔 if he really doesn't understand it. Even having to arrange a sit down chat about the jobs has now become a job for you because he doesn't seem to be observant in his own home.

Unless I've missed a bit he doesn't seem to do much with the kids? What's his parent relationship and dynamic like? Will you be up against some misogynistic values that suggest you do more?

It's difficult to gauge on here there is no set list,people run homes so differently and have different priorities so it's pretty useless comparing others than a very general sense.

No he doesn't do enough!

My husband, after YEARS of me losing my shit to get things more equal, does the following:

• mows the lawn
• cleans the windows
• cleans the cars inside and out
• cooks approx half of our meals and washes up afterwards (I've drilled into him the standard I expect of the clean up, and want the sides, sink and floor to be left clean too)
• puts in an online food shop once a week
• empties all of the bins in the house and puts the rubbish and recycling out on bin day
• throws the hoover around every so often (to such a poor standard, I wouldn't know he's done anything!)
• waters the garden if I ask him to (he wouldn't notice if every single plant was dead!).

I can live with this, but he'd never clean a bathroom (wouldn't occur to him) and I can't stand him doing any washing (he wrecks my clothes, or leaves everything scrunched up to dry). He would never notice rotten food in the fridge, for instance, and empty it and clean it out.

But I'm happy enough with where we're at that I won't leave him over it!

You’ve padded out your list there.

diy and hooray packing are not a regular occurrence.

if you cook daily and he washes daily that is a fine split. He does all the adult life admin and you do all the kid life admin. if you do the kid admin then yes you’re be doing play dates and events.

the same way he will know when cars need a service and your insurance renewal is due and looking for a better deal. If there’s some jobs you’d like to share then fine but certain jobs come with offshoots.

it seems your both pretty knackered and at the hard stage in life right now.

if you want him to do more hand of some of the kid related stuff like homework and reading as those are also part
of parenting which he should be doing anyway!!

But OP is not a single parent so why should she do it all?!

Of course he doesn’t, you must know that already by looking at the list!

He does not do enough, ignore the posters in this thread acting as if you should be grateful that he lifts a finger.

rough split between me and DH is:

shopping/meal planning/cooking - alternate weeks

mopping/hoovering/dusting - alternate weeks

DC clothes/uniform - joint

laundry - alternate weeks

DH:
bathroom
changing bedding
recycling

Me:
plants
weekly thorough kitchen clean
Pet maintenance (flea drops etc)

Thank you all.

We both work full-time, same amount of hours a week. Both manage people.

I put all the small things because they add up not from a time point of view but from a mental load.

I think he does more than most men I know but I wasn’t sure if that was a good standard to compare against, hence asking on here.

I put washing on mine because I do all the bedding and towels, plus do most of the loads a week in the basket. He will do it if I ask but most of the time forgets, doesn’t think about it so it accumulates. I also help folder all the washing 70% of the time.

Not much hobby time at all. I go out to my thing once a week, DH goes out twice. We split children’s hobbies between us.

I wish mine did this much.

I’m afraid I agree. You’ve put home maintenance on your list as 50/50 with him; it isn’t on his list - why not?

and financial stuff is a biggie.

Agree with this.

This including working hours too so if one of you has a longer commute or working day they shouldn't be expected to then do equal household tasks. How many hours do you each get to do nothing?

I do probably 80% of household tasks. DH does all financial, maybe 30% laundry, 20% kitchen cleaning, most bins stuff and lawn mowing and bike maintenance. He also does more of the 'big' stuff. Thinking about mortgages, 50/50 kids bedtimes, researching/buying cars, boiler repairs, does small DIY tasks himself and sorts outsourcing big DIY stuff. He also sorts all of the admin for a rental property we own. He does this all unprompted and has a recently paid full time job. Oh and deals with his own family shit.

I make about a 3rd as much as him freelance. My work is sometimes very busy (30hours a week) and sometimes just a trickle. I cover almost all kids stuff, illnesses, holiday cover, childcare payments, school admissions, and sorting what they need that dat. ALL cooking and shopping, maintaining my own car, 90% house cleaning, most gardening and garden planning.

I'm up earlier then DH and he says up later so he gets more child free time (I'm up with the kids). Im usually the one rushing around at weekends letting DH relax but I get more random time off during term time school days depending on my work so it feels fairly balanced.

I have time to write a book and do hobbies. Once a month I go to an evening class and DH is a very competent parent so me going out to see friends on a random Saturday is no problem.

The balance may change as my work gets busier but currently it feels right.

If you are feeling resentful then first work out if that feeling is justified or if you are actually both feeling overworked and life if throwing too much at you. It's easy to compare your life to pre child times and feel overwhelmed, the key is if only one of you is baring that burden while the others life is less effected.

I suspect you might wash sheets and towels more often than he would think necessary and also with the housework. If I had a cleaner twice a month I would just do a quick hoover run through the other week. My sheets get washed every few weeks. ( but let's not turn this into one of those threads)
My point is, sometimes when women do more, they are insisting on a level of cleanliness that not all people think necessary

I don't think it's as simple as at first glance.

I think you need a break from cooking every single day.

How necessary is a seasonal wardrobe (I dont think a seasonal wardrobe is a thing for a lot of people and this seems to be creating work for yourself for the sake of it).

With the social calendars, are you arranging play dates and activities just to keep the kids entertained because you constantly feel like it's you who has to occupy them and it's easier than being at home? You need equal downtime. So if you are taking them out all morning then he has them in the pm. He should be doing his share of taking to clubs etc. or taking to see relatives. It was much easier for me with only one DC, but I wouldn't say they had a social calendar at that age. We would take in turns to occupy them but that doesn't mean multiple social arrangements, it was just simple things.

Same with cooking. How does it work in reality...do you do all meals then have to do bedtime because he is washing up? Is he occupying them while you cook or are they just coming to you? Homework isn't much but can he at least sort that while you cook?

The red flags to me are actually the reading and the sick days. If these two things are you by default it does show a wider issue with how he sees his role as a parent, I think.

ETA are you someone who washes towels after two uses and mops the floor every day?

It is a really hard stage of parenting, I think.

He isn’t doing enough. Taking the bins out takes seconds. Loading the dish washer takes a few minutes. Cleaning a house take far, far longer. As does cooking and thinking of what to cook for each and every meal.

I think with seasonal wardrobe changes / sorting outgrown clothes & toys, it’s why does this always fall to one person typically? If OP never did this task the house would be overrun with clothing etc, and it can be time consuming.

What exactly is involved in “ managing seasonal wardrobe change “?

Writing lists is silly. As long as he's not sitting on his arse when you're running around like a maniac then it would seem even. You're a team and should chip in whenever the other needs help.

I can’t believe that posters are saying he does a lot! Bins - every 2 weeks here but taking out every other day - 5 mins max
Financials - once a year for things like MOT, insurance and let’s face it he could just be doing auto renew
washing up - I bet he loads but doesn’t unload and never cleans the filter/adds salt etc
Laundry - he’s doing barely half a job here

I do agree with others that you have exaggerated a little however things like sorting clothes is another job that takes time. I suspect you do all the clothes buying too.

He should be doing more to share the load, I would be saying things need to change and he needs to step up. In the meantime I would be having a cleaner every week and I would do nothing re family stuff for his side of the family. I assume you don’t do his holiday packing. If he doesn’t step up then start removing items from your list. I can believe you have that much DIY for example? Let him do that stuff. Sometimes people will just not bother as they know someone else will pick it all up.

It’s little things like this that add up I think. Especially at this age, rotating toys so it isn’t overwhelmingly busy. Sorting out clothes that have been out grown, buying new stuff. These would just never get done if I didn’t do them.

I think he could do an equal share of the cleaning and meal prep, homework, reading and packing.

Who does the gardening? If hes also cutting a 200ft lawn every weekend, weeding and planting shit thats quite a big job too.

Overall your list is quite funny, its true as women we carry the mental load, but your list reads as a job description that an employer has fleshed out to the absolute maximum!