To want to start a family?

[EqualityDuck]

I'm feeling like I've run out of time and it's making me sad.

I've recently turned 35 and have been with my husband for 10+ years, we got married earlier this year.

I've really struggled throughout my late teens up until now with a range of life obstacles and I feel like what has happened has completely wasted my 20s and early 30s.

To avoid drip feed, long story short these life obstacles included: being raised by an alcoholic father/abusive mother. Aged 24 I was diagnosed with OCD and severe depression (after years of symptoms). Aged 27 I was sexually assaulted by a colleague which led to a pregnancy which I terminated, husband diagnosed with lifethreatening illness around same time as the above, all of the above eventually resulted in 5 years of therapy as a day patient at a psychiatric hospital from which I was discharged successfully a year ago, and can genuinely say I am better. Unfortunately I was then diagnosed with a rare physical illness for which I've just had major surgery (the hangovers and alcohol abuse symptoms were masking the fact I had a serious illness). I am now recovered from that condition and feel finally like I'm healthy mentally and physically.

Throughout this whole time I managed to go to uni and then hold down a graduate job (went part time when had to go to hospital 1 day per week, now back full time). We also bought a 2 bedroom flat which is a doer-upper and is probably about 1 year away from being finished, though it's perfectly liveable and actually very pretty and cosy inside.

The problem is, I feel like I'm 10 years behind in my personal life and now I'm so worried about running out of time to have kids. I genuinely feel like I'm where I should have been aged 25 (just married, living in 2 bedroom flat, starting to learn things like how to cook healthily, how to keep my house clean and tidy - things I never learned from my parents).

Any advice or words of wisdom would be hugely appreciated. I just feel so angry and sad that I'm so behind because of these things that have happened.

. It's just I feel sad that my husband and I didn't get to enjoy those 10 years of our life when we were younger childfree/just us.

There's this notion that the years pre kids are these amazing fun years you never get back. That's not been my experience at all! Our kids are 6 and 8 and we are happier and more carefree than ever. Don't get so bogged down in the "timeline" that you don't leave time for kids if you want them. At 35 you really need to start now. You will get mums on here boasting theyve had kids at 39 and 42 or whatever but in RL all my late 30s friends had miscarriages, ivf, struggled to conceive etc.

Kids are a fantastic adventure x

I think that’s a fair point.

Also, OP, when I was 25, I was living on air and small change, working a couple of wacky part-time jobs and holed up in a commune in the US, having the time of my life, and with absolutely no thoughts of even what country I would live in next, far less buying somewhere or having a baby.

Don't get hamstrung by your very programmatic idea of what you should have been doing when, OP.

OP, I spent my years between 18 until about 27 crippled with OCD, self-harm, etc. I also feel I 'wasted' my 20's. I had a baby last year aged 31. She is the love of my life. Yes I can't take a weekend trip to Budapest or go on a night out without a lot of planning, but those years will come back when she's older. Motherhood is a lovely adventure. I wouldn't change any of it. I promise you, you will love your baby so much that you won't feel you're missing out. Also newborns are very portable- you can absolutely get away with weekend trips etc whilst baby wearing a very young baby.

Statistically, fertility drops off significantly after 35. I would personally get started. It may take a while to conceive anyway. You're a great age to be a mum. You have lots of life experience. Many women don't have children until 35 now.

You don't want to leave it then live with the regret if you struggle.

My mum (not the most supportive of parents...) has basically made it clear that she thinks my current flat is too small to have children in and she said that she would "have to speak to" my husband if "he thinks it is acceptable" for us to have kids there. When I told her we want to stay living here and TTC she looked actually angry and disgusted at the thought that we would stay living here. She doesn't understand why we haven't bought a "proper house" and says things like "you're not that kind of person" (?!?!! I don't know what she means by this?!?! But when she said it it sounded snobby) and "you deserve a nice home". I think my home is nice!!! Just a bit small. That has really thrown me - I can't stop wondering if she is right and whether it's fair to have a baby in a small flat?

So you're still in quite regular contact with your abusive mother. That's not going to help your mental wellbeing especially if you want to have a child. You need to do more work to detach mentally and emotionally from her, and to keep contact and conversation to a superficial level - no discussions about TTC etc.

Have you read "Toxic Parents" by Susan Forward?

[duplicate post, sorry]

It sounds like you're doing really well now and everything is on the right track. Maybe that's a feeling that you're not very used to given everything that you've been through in your life. It sounds like everything is going to be OK. You don't know how long it'll take to get pregnant, and once you are it's 9 months, so you could make the most of all that time with your husband and go on some great holidays and get your house and everything ready!

What I would say is you do not know how long it will take to fall pregnant or if there will be complications. At 35 your fertility does start to decline so it may take a year or two to get pregnant. If it was me I would maybe just stop using contraception and if after a year you haven’t fallen pregnant actively track cycles etc. You can get a fertility check to see how much time you likely have left too!

I had my child at 39 as I kept waiting for the perfect circumstance - to be in a good place career wise and housing wise and in the end we just went for it. We started actively trying around your age but took breaks after miscarriages and the sadness that follows. Waiting means more chance of miscarriage, pregnancy becomes harder on the body, it’s harder to have a second if you decide on it and you are just a bit older and creakier while dangling a toddler. We are all different but I definitely wish I had had my daughter a few years earlier as once I hit 40 I got more tired and achey! As they get older you need start to think about having more room but it is perfectly doable having a kid in a two bedroom house. Our house is two bedroom and now our kid is almost 4 we are looking for a bigger house but it was fine until now! Several people I know have kids in two bed apartments too, including very high earners!

I would definitely see your mum a lot less. Unless she is going to buy you a house, none of her comments are very helpful.

I definitely wouldn't leave it too long to ttc but can't imagine more year will make too much difference.

Would you intend to remain in your job after having children? Is it doable with dropping children to childcare (between you)? My job was completely inflexible in term time (teacher) but my commute was short so I was able to drop children near where they needed to be and still get to work before 8.

Some interesting perspectives on my mum. It's so, so hard to extract myself from wanting her "advice"/approval before I do things. I know that when I work on this in therapy, I always end up feeling confident that the lifestyle I have now is one I love. But then when I spend extended periods of time with my mum, I start doubting that.

She actually did try and give us a load of money to finance our purchase of our flat 9 years ago, but my parents use money to control so I didn't take the money and we bought with no financial help from family.

Re: childcare - we could definitely drop off and pick up even with my commute, as there's a really good nursery at the top of our road where our neighbours' kids go and my husband WFH so he could take and collect them each day. I get home at about 4.30 each day, not sure what time nurseries/childminders end??

I've just bought a copy - thanks for the recommendation. It's so hard to detach from her because sometimes (as with all abusers) she's so lovely and I feel so guilty.

I wonder if you would adjust your ideas about your family a little to make it more realistic? For example would you be willing to consider planning for 1 child instead of multiple?

to be honest from what you have described I can see why thinking about having a number of children might feel a bit unrealistic. But if you were willing to think about the possibility of having an only child suddenly your smaller two bed and the fact you want to enjoy time with your partner suddenly feels a lot more realistic.

there is nothing to say that you couldn’t then change your mind and have more if circumstances allow but at least you’d have a plan that feels like it could more easily become a reality.

"Some interesting perspectives on my mum. It's so, so hard to extract myself from wanting her "advice"/approval before I do things. I know that when I work on this in therapy, I always end up feeling confident that the lifestyle I have now is one I love. But then when I spend extended periods of time with my mum, I start doubting that."

That's a clear sign that you need to stop spending extended periods of time with her. How long do you spend with her, and how often? I strongly advise reducing it.

You might find the Stately Homes threads helpful.
https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/relationships/5365921-july-2025-well-we-took-you-to-stately-homes

Usually I see them once every 6 weeks-ish for a weekend (I go and stay at theirs which is my childhood home). Maybe I could try seeing them in a more neutral space and for less time?

Ha, yes. We did go to a lot of stately homes... thank you for linking me to that thread, it looks really helpful.

That makes a lot of sense.

Neutral space and for less time is a very good idea.

You have an abusive mother.
Why would you put yourself within 50 miles of your ‘Abuser’?
You feel guilty because you have been trained by your abuser…..
Your mum made her bed - no one made her abuse you. She now needs to lay in it.
Feel guilty and then move through it.
Your guilt pulls you down.
Spend the time with your dh or friends instead, building yourself up.
When you have your own child treat them with love and respect.
And protect them by keeping their Abusive Grandmother well away - don’t give her another chance - they don’t change by becoming a grandparent….

I had my kids in my mid-30s and was still one of the youngest in my group of friends. Many of my friends had their children in their 40s. So unless there's a particular challenge you 'should' be fine (though it took me several years to have my daughter so I'm not unrealistic).

I live in a city and lots of people I know live in flats with children. It's fine. That's nothing worth thinking about. I actually have several friends who lived in 1 bedrooms with their babies and then got a larger flat when their children needed their own room. You are ahead of the game there. It's totally fine at any point to live in a flat, but particularly fine when they are babies and they aren't going to go play outside on their own anyway. My husband and I lived in a small flat until my daughter was 2 and it was great.

If you were my friend I would tell you to walk away from your mother (or slowly move in that direction), ensure you and your partner are both 100% committed to children and then go ahead and see what happens. Best case scenario you'd have many months to get organised as pregnancy goes on forever - and more likely scenario you'd have a bit more time as most people don't get pregnant immediately anyway.

Your mother sounds awful just from your posts but it sounds like there's a lot of history there as well. I'd really think about what you want your potential child to experience when thinking about the relationship you want with your extended family. There's nothing wrong with walking away from toxic relationships and not all parents are worthy of the name.

You cannot change the past but you can make the future.

You're not behind. You're just you. I had my children at 35 and 43. I spent a lot of my life just doing f-all and going absolutely nowhere. Then I got pregnant and things changed, for the better.

You really should stop worrying about being behind or what everyone else is doing. You should be focusing on how you are going to build a life you love. That’s possible. Redirect yourself whenever you feel yourself thinking about this nonsense; what others are doing, where you ‘should’ be.

There are no rules and you can actually do whatever you want in life. If that’s children go for it now. Is hubby up for that?

• It's always selfish to have children. No one here had them as an altruistic act, we wanted them.

• Male age comes into it as well so if hubby is a similar age you do need to get cracking yes, but that’s not a you thing.

• So you haven't spent some years clubbing and just feeling young? Ah well, we don’t always do everything. I did a lot of this and grateful for it but I also spent a large portion in an abusive relationship and that wasn't a waste. That taught me what I want out of life. You cannot waste time. You're always learning something. Apply it to your future and bam! It's paid for itself.

• The place you live sounds incredibly valuable. You can partition the room off for the children or seek to move later. It's really not a big deal.

• The work thing could be an obstacle. Especially being older I know that being employed wouldn't be compatible with being a mother, for me. I'd be too tired and wouldn't have the capacity to do both well. So I WFH. What does your partner think about you being a stay at home parent or dropping hours? Mine are far apart in age and it's easier still. Two young ones will be even more taxing. What about finding a way to do what you do freelance, from home, or in a part-time role?

Firstly, ignore your mother. She is not the boss of you.
Secondly, it’s fine to raise children in a flat. I grew up in council flats, never had a garden and wasn’t remotely bothered. I raised my own children in a house with a garden and they were never bothered and rarely played in it.
Thirdly, being an older mother is not unusual these days. I had my children when I was almost 41 and almost 45. It’s been great. The only downside is my daughter, when she was younger , was sometimes embarrassed to have an older mum. I, on the other hand, was embarrassed to have a very young mum ( she had me at 19). I think if that’s all my daughter had to complain about, then she had it pretty good.
Finally, I personally wouldn’t do a long commute whilst heavily pregnant or bringing up a young child. Once you factor in nursery, school, etc, it’s a difficult juggle - unless your husband lives very close to his work and can manage all the practicalities involved.
Good luck.