To want to start a family?

[EqualityDuck]

I'm feeling like I've run out of time and it's making me sad.

I've recently turned 35 and have been with my husband for 10+ years, we got married earlier this year.

I've really struggled throughout my late teens up until now with a range of life obstacles and I feel like what has happened has completely wasted my 20s and early 30s.

To avoid drip feed, long story short these life obstacles included: being raised by an alcoholic father/abusive mother. Aged 24 I was diagnosed with OCD and severe depression (after years of symptoms). Aged 27 I was sexually assaulted by a colleague which led to a pregnancy which I terminated, husband diagnosed with lifethreatening illness around same time as the above, all of the above eventually resulted in 5 years of therapy as a day patient at a psychiatric hospital from which I was discharged successfully a year ago, and can genuinely say I am better. Unfortunately I was then diagnosed with a rare physical illness for which I've just had major surgery (the hangovers and alcohol abuse symptoms were masking the fact I had a serious illness). I am now recovered from that condition and feel finally like I'm healthy mentally and physically.

Throughout this whole time I managed to go to uni and then hold down a graduate job (went part time when had to go to hospital 1 day per week, now back full time). We also bought a 2 bedroom flat which is a doer-upper and is probably about 1 year away from being finished, though it's perfectly liveable and actually very pretty and cosy inside.

The problem is, I feel like I'm 10 years behind in my personal life and now I'm so worried about running out of time to have kids. I genuinely feel like I'm where I should have been aged 25 (just married, living in 2 bedroom flat, starting to learn things like how to cook healthily, how to keep my house clean and tidy - things I never learned from my parents).

Any advice or words of wisdom would be hugely appreciated. I just feel so angry and sad that I'm so behind because of these things that have happened.

You haven't mentioned how your husband feels about it?

What is stopping you? Sorry you've had such a hard time, it sounds incredibly tough! Well done you for getting through the difficult times, you've been through more than most, you shouldn't compare!

I had a shit time from age 13 to 34 which is when I then met my DH. Had my DS at 36. He's now almost 3 and I'm finally adulting properly😂 it's hard when you've been through a mountain of shit being thrown at you but there's no reason why you can't get started on your family if your husband is feeling the same way. Really hope you get some good advice 😊

Husband is keen to start a family too.

It’s not too late to start a family. I haven’t gone through any of your difficulties, just didn’t find a partner until I was 33. We had our first child when I turned 37, second at 40 and third at 43. I still think I’m a good mum even though I’m older. Lots of people start families later nowadays x

You still have time, but having a child can be like having a hand grenade thrown into your life, even of people with glowingly good mental and physical health — are you sure you’re in the right place for this?

Things that are stopping me:

• I'm worried I will be too old/that it is selfish to have kids this late (we will start TTC next summer because we would like to enjoy a year or so of normality just us, so all being well I would be 37 or older when first child arrived)

• I feel like I want to have the years I should have had in my 20s - like at least 3 years or so of just... enjoying life and my husband's company. But if I did that I would be TTC aged 38 and I just feel that is pushing it?

• I feel that we shouldn't have kids in a 2 bedroom flat - that we should buy a forever home and then TTC. However I really don't want to move away from the gated community where we live - it's beautiful, I feel safe here, I love the community feel and how everyone looks out for everyone else. But there are no houses here, just small flats.

• I love my job - I changed employer to get away from the colleague who assaulted me - but I'm worried about the commute if I get pregnant (2.5h round trip on public transport with no WFH option due to what I do). Since the difficulty with my colleague at my old workplace, I am really reluctant to leave a job where I feel happy, supported and safe (and most workplaces in my industry are known to be toxic) so I'd have to deal with the commute and be pregnant at the same time. Or move nearer to work but as explained above I really don't want to move!

As long as you feel up u can handle it mentally, and sounds as though you’ll be happy to seek help quickly if you do have any problems, then you’re definitely not too old to start a family.
It sounds like you and your husband have a very strong relationship if you’ve been through all of that together and are still going strong, so as long as you’re both mentally up for it, I think you’ll be great parents who support each other.

100%. I've worked so hard on my physical and mental health and I'm so resilient. I will be able to have a strong professional network around me for my mental and physical health as well. I know I'm ready. It's just I feel sad that my husband and I didn't get to enjoy those 10 years of our life when we were younger childfree/just us.

That'll probably be my timeline too. Thank you for your reply, it's so good to hear that.

To a couple of your points

Baby would be fine in your room for at least a year so wouldn't be a rush to immediately move.

In regards to commuting you can ask for reasonable adjustments. I suffered with morning sickness and tiredness with mine quite early on. My commute was an hour minimum by car with no toilets or decent places to stop en route. My employers allowed me to switch to 7-4 instead of 8-5 which meant my commute was 20 minutes instead of one hour plus. In the last few months I used all my A/L to drop to 4 days a week then 3 days and then 2 which helped.

Why do you need the year or 2 “just us” when you’ve been together 10 years?! If you’re truly worried about age (and I don’t think you should be, whether you’re 35,37 or 39) then just get on with it.

Also I feel you have downplayed the horrendous attack by a colleague and so wanted to gently ask if you’ve had counselling?

Obviously every women is different. 35 may already be too late for some to have children, whilst others will be fine for another 10 years. I have friends who met partners later and had children in their 40’s. But equally, if you have a partner that wants children too, you shouldn’t wait too long, unless you’d be content if you then couldn’t have them.
Hope waiting a year would be okay. I’m 36 and pregnant with my second, we got pregnant a few months into trying (but again, everyone is different).
Having children in a two bed flat is fine (depending on how many you are wanting, certainly just having one would be fine, maybe two). The commute is long, but depending on what flexibility your partner has, and if you have the flexibility to go part time, it could work.

I’m sorry you’ve had a rough journey. I can relate to some of the things you’ve been through. It is extremely tough to get through to the other side and I’m hoping that as you are now recovering you can have a bit of a break to enjoy your life.

Here is my honest opinion as you asked on aibu

You need to work out if you really, and I mean really want to be parents. Is it a priority? Is it something that in 10 years time you’ll be regretting not doing? Or is it just something you like the idea of but could live without. Knowing where you and DH both stand is important.

If you’ve decided you really want to have children my advice would be to over the next 6 or so months speak to a therapist if you feel you need it regarding how you’re feeling especially towards being a parent. For me it was so much better geting my worries out before getting pregnant. Try and enjoy the next 6-12 months before ttc. I know you mentioned you wanting a few years to enjoy yourself but given your ages I would be mindful of being a parent is something you truly want.

I also want to say that being a mum is hard, life changing but your life doesn’t have to end. You can still enjoy life, travel, study etc whilst being a mum. Don’t believe it when people say your youth or life is over. It is harder, yes. But not over!

Regards to the commute, if it’s 2.5 round trip then 1 hour 15 isn’t too bad each way imo. I work 3 days a week and my commute is about that, maybe a bit more. It’s do Able. You’ll make it work

We have a 2 bedroom flat. We have the main bedroom and my toddler has the other bedroom. It’s fine, we have a lot of friends in similar flats as well. It’s beyond do able

Good luck with whatever you decide to do x

When you’ve gone through a lot of devastating things one after the other without a break it can feel at times like you’ve just been surving rather than living. It’s really common to feel like you’ve lost that time or want to get it back when you’re on the other side.

The only thing I think is tricky is the 2.5hr commute for work. Just to think about going back to work after having a baby, when the little one starts school etc. How will that work with childcare? It's not insurmountable, but just to sort of plan for those things (wraparound etc).

Good luck OP. You've done amazing & will be a wonderful mum I'm sure.

Yes - I had 5 years of psychiatric treatment from which I made a full recovery. I also had 20 sessions of specific sexual assault counselling.

In terms of us wanting more time together - it's because the whole 10+ years we have been together, I've been mentally or physically unwell and/or in recovery (which is bloody hard work!!!!) So it was hard for us to just enjoy each other's company and be a "normal couple" in our 20s. And I know I can't get that back and I suppose we aren't a "normal couple" because of everything that's happened.

I had children in my twenties and then another at 37, comparatively it was harder I had less energy and more need for sleep . But I wouldn’t have known the difference had I not done both. As long as you have a supportive husband and a ok financial set up it should be manageable.

I read it as 2.5 hours for both journeys so just over an hour commute one way

I live in London. Having DC in your late 30's & early 40's whilst living in flats is really normal. We had our 1st DC in a flat and it was good that we were never far away from them. We bought a house before DC2 and were forever up and down stairs!

I'm sorry to hear everything you have been through but it's not too late.

What is best for the child you will have, are you able to be what they need? It is not about you but them

@rainbow10000 I agree, reading it back now I see it's 2.5hrs round trip which isn't too bad.

Sorry to hear you've been through so much, OP. It sounds as if you've got the support you needed which is great. I can totally understand that you and your husband want some time to enjoy being a couple. On the other hand, I would urge you not to wait too long before trying - especially if you're hoping for more than one child. Why not give yourselves 6 months, go on one or two lovely holidays during that time, and then start TTC?

25 would be young these days to have bought a 2 bed, got married and be planning to start a family.

Its not really about whether you are "behind". You are in a great place now, and you both agree on what you want, go make babies!

Don't overthink it. I hope you can leave your troubles in the past and enjoy the rest of your life.

You’ve done incredibly well considering what you’ve been up against. It’s not too late to start a family, you still have time, but life is not a race,you’re not “behind in life” just because you haven’t had kids.