My husband called me Fat and a Slag in jest!

[AnonHm]

We have a jokey marriage I suppose and are always laughing! We’d been to see his mum and dad this morning and she’s a little crazy! She’ll admit that herself. When we left she told me I was beautiful (her son clearly hasn’t got that from her) and she said to him you’re looking nice and slim! I’ve always had an issue with my weight. I did lose 4.5 stone once when my mum was dying but put it back on over time. I do have issues with my womb and suggested hormonal issues! I’m not greedy in fact I barely eat!
i laughed once we left and said I wonder what they are saying about us now we’ve left! His reply was that You’re a silly fat sl4g and I’m a skinny w4nker! I replied with a laugh and nice to know what you really think! I know he said it as a joke and I haven’t said anything although I haven’t spoken to him all afternoon and he knows I’ve got the hump on!
im not bothered about the sl4g comment its the fat bit that’s hurt me! No doubt we’ll have an argument later when the kids aren’t around to witness it. He knows how self conscious I am with my weight and I can’t help but feel hurt about his comment. He’ll go off on one and say I’m offended even though nothing really offends me! I’m not offended I’m hurt!
clearly subconsciously this is what he thinks! Little digs over the years like when I originally lost weight and stopped going to slimming world…..you’re not going to put it all back on are you?
ironically I suffer with a bit of health anxiety after mum and I’m too scared to go on the skinny jab! My friends have and have all had positive outcomes. I’m just too scared! His reply To that in recent times has been well everyone else is doing it and they are ok just do it!
These comments come from a man that’s always said he doesn’t like skinny woman!
I’m 5’10 and and 18-20. Am I being stupid for feeling hurt? Should I take it as a joke?
It’s pushed me into starting a diet but last time I said that was why you wanting to lose weight? To attract men? I said no for myself!

He doesn't sound very kind to you. I have a fun jokey relationship too but calling someone a fat slag isn't funny, its disrespectful and cruel.

Oof this is tricky I was all set to call him
a knob but HE wasn’t saying it as a joke was he it was a jokey interpretation of his Mums cackhanded comment 😬

if you’re normally jokey like this I can see that maybe he didn’t mean any harm in the context

I'm sorry but a " joke relationship " to me is just one where people are offensive to each other but have some sort of weird unspoken agreement with each other not to acknowledge the actual hurtfulness of what they are saying to each other.
It was only a matter of time before you realised the actual nastiness of what was being said to you.

Barely eat and put on four and half stone don't belong in the same sentence.

Four and a half stone is a surplus of 220500 calories. That doesn't just happen.

This has been over the course of 13 years. I haven’t put 4.5 stone on overnight!

Is that your take on all this ? How unpleasant

@Sundaymorningcalla fyi …

“Weight gain despite insufficient food intake can happen because of metabolic slowing, where the body reduces its calorie expenditure to conserve energy. This can also lead to hormonal changes that increase hunger and fat storage. Food insecurity (a lack of reliable access to food) and inconsistent eating patterns can trigger the body's "starvation response," which promotes storing fat. Additionally, underlying issues like medical conditions, certain medications, high stress levels, or a reliance on ultra-processed foods can contribute to weight gain even with limited food intake”

I think the fat slag comment is nasty and any justification by saying you have a “jokey relationship” is not adequate.

But there are so many more red flags here - the pressure for you to lose weight using methods you’re not comfortable with, the comments when you do express an intention to lose weight that you’re doing it to attract other men, the general lack of support he gives you in life and his clear lack of respect to stay clear of things he knows you’re self conscious about.

Sounds like he’s just not a nice man at all and he’s trying to keep you down so you don’t realise you can do better!

Whoops @Sundaymorningcalla

“Weight gain despite insufficient food intake can happen because of metabolic slowing, where the body reduces its calorie expenditure to conserve energy. This can also lead to hormonal changes that increase hunger and fat storage. Food insecurity (a lack of reliable access to food) and inconsistent eating patterns can trigger the body's "starvation response," which promotes storing fat. Additionally, underlying issues like medical conditions, certain medications, high stress levels, or a reliance on ultra-processed foods can contribute to weight gain even with limited food intake”

Thank you Wadadli, I appreciate you sticking ip for me like that. I genuinely don’t eat much at all! People assume over weight people are greedy but I’m not! My 9 year old eats more than me! I just don’t have an appetite at all.

Your copy and paste message is factually inaccurate, starvation mode isn't a thing. You can't defy the laws of thermodynamics.

Calorie surplus = weight gain
Calorie deficit = weight loss

Clearly a joke. You asked what they said jokingly and he replied. He called himself a skinny wanker too.

If he'd said it in another context like if you had asked how you looked before going out, it would be a massive red flag.

Not the point of the OP's thread.

But is it ok to comment on someone’s weight knowing they’re conscious of it?

Totally agree 100% with @Ohlifelife, these relationships where people allegedly trade 'banter', insults and rudeness with one another without causing hurt, offence or distress to one party or the other, or both are juvenile, playground behaviour and not that which would be expected of emotionally mature, sensible adults showing standards, boundaries, integrity and, above all, mutual respect

Not sure why some people are defending your husband. Not in a million years would I accept if my husband referred to me as a slag, even as a "joke" the fat comment is just nasty.

No, it absolutely is not!

. . . but true.

Just lose the weight then kick him out.

The jokey relationship is never hurtful comments! This comment is the first hurtful comment. I mean as in we have a laugh about everything! I love laughing and I’ll find joy and laughter in anything I can! I have never said anything hurtful!

Such comments wouldn’t go without further discussion (argument) in my marriage but yours is different. The fact that your DH believes his parents think of him as a skinny wanker, wanker being quite an insult to a man, suggests he doesn’t mean you’re silly, or fat, or a slag. Pay no attention to his ridiculous remark. As long as you’re happy and healthy, does his opinion matter? Do you ask him what he thinks before you buy clothes? I don’t give a stuff what my husband thinks. I do as I please and if he doesn’t like it that’s his problem.

@AnonHm If you feel bad about your weight and you want to lose weight I would recommend that you go see your GP who can explain all health benefits and possible side effects with the injections. But you should do it for YOU and not for anyone else.

I think you have to talk to your husband about the fact that weight is a sensible subject for you and that it has to be off limits when you're having your "banters".

Remember, your MiL said she finds you beautiful. Praise indeed.

The first line of your initial post @AnonHm says that you have a 'jokey' marriage and "are always laughing" - may I just ask if the 'laughter, from your side, is a way of hiding, masking or camouflaging the hurt you feel from some of your husband's 'hilarious' comments, or a way of deflecting antagonism if you don't actually find them funny? There are a few comments, further on in your post, which suggest that he actually enjoys verbally hurting you, dressed up as humour. I may be well off beam, but just a thought...

But is this really true? You mention, several times, in your opening post, that he has made hurtful comments about your weight and that you are self conscious about it - so it clearly does register with you, enough for you to feel hurt, not just on this occasion, but previously too - a loving partner does not exploit chinks in one's armour or matters about which one feels self conscious.

I am not, of course, privy to the inner workings of your marriage or how much 'jokiness' is acceptable to you and am only seeing this through my own lens, but it would give me, personally, cause for concern.

I see where he got "skinny wanker" for himself, because his mother did specifically say he looked "nice and slim" and he was reinterpreting her words to make them sound critical rather than complimentary. But she said you looked beautiful - to put an equivalent negative spin on that might be something like "you're a vain airhead" or "you clean up well - shame it took so long!" She didn't mention your being fat and of course she didn't mention anything about your being an alleged "slag" - those seem to have come directly from your husband, for whatever reason.