So we’ve been together 10 years, married 1. Both early 50s with late teen/grown children and living together. He’s great in so many ways - fair with housework, money, reliable, no real vices, hobbies in reasonable proportion etc. Sex life is good and active.
We have previously discussed porn briefly and I’d assumed he might use it but I guess thought lightly and during dry spells as he downplayed it a lot.
He came down from a bath a few weeks back were he always takes his iPad and we went to look at house finances and a porn page was open as he went to look for something. He looked panicked but pretended he wasn’t. I felt very uncomfortable and tried to explain it left me feeling odd as he’s literally just said he was too tired for sex that night and like I said I didn’t know he was a regular user. He swore blind it was from weeks ago and he mustn’t of shut tab. We moved past it but yes I didn’t forget and it left a bit of a ? Over what he watches on iPad and does in bath…
Then the other night he was chilling in bed before me with iPad and headphones on and as I went to ask him something I realised he’s watching a reactions YouTuber video - the sort with a pretty 20 something scantily clad but nothing obscene. I googled her and nothing too awful comes up but she is clearly making money by old men mostly sending her ‘gifts’ for her reactions videos. She has no onlyfans thankfully but discord etc. He said she was just a YouTube video that popped up in his feed. How much he loves me etc etc and would never cheat. I have no idea if he’s ever gifted anything and on the surface I’d say he’s far too sensible with money for that but obviously I didnt even know he watched these vids. Maybe it was a one off and did genuinely just pop up in his YouTube feed … maybe it’s a regular, I’ll never know.
Problem is i now feel all disconnected from him. I think he thinks it knocks my self esteem - it doesn’t really though yes it’s not great. So his reassuring he loves me only goes so far to help. The fact is it’s given me a bit of an ick for him and makes me think of him as a sad dirty old man. Every time I see him on iPad I wonder what he’s watching and feel a bit grim about it. The girl was about same age as his eldest. Not a kid but mid 20s and we are 50s!
We are due to go on a romantic break and I just feel like I can’t even be bothered talking to him let alone having sex. I just feel like I don’t really know him and now don’t trust him or feel at all close or loving. I’m downplaying it with him as I wanted time to process without him constantly declaring his love etc. But for me I feel so different when I look at him at the moment and am avoiding him. In some ways it’s only 2 small instances but yet it’s opened a can of worms of what else does he look at and what’s going on in his head.
Aibu?
If so how do I stop feeling like this?