Husband ick and porn/youtube

[Dropthatdonkey]

So we’ve been together 10 years, married 1. Both early 50s with late teen/grown children and living together. He’s great in so many ways - fair with housework, money, reliable, no real vices, hobbies in reasonable proportion etc. Sex life is good and active.
We have previously discussed porn briefly and I’d assumed he might use it but I guess thought lightly and during dry spells as he downplayed it a lot.
He came down from a bath a few weeks back were he always takes his iPad and we went to look at house finances and a porn page was open as he went to look for something. He looked panicked but pretended he wasn’t. I felt very uncomfortable and tried to explain it left me feeling odd as he’s literally just said he was too tired for sex that night and like I said I didn’t know he was a regular user. He swore blind it was from weeks ago and he mustn’t of shut tab. We moved past it but yes I didn’t forget and it left a bit of a ? Over what he watches on iPad and does in bath…
Then the other night he was chilling in bed before me with iPad and headphones on and as I went to ask him something I realised he’s watching a reactions YouTuber video - the sort with a pretty 20 something scantily clad but nothing obscene. I googled her and nothing too awful comes up but she is clearly making money by old men mostly sending her ‘gifts’ for her reactions videos. She has no onlyfans thankfully but discord etc. He said she was just a YouTube video that popped up in his feed. How much he loves me etc etc and would never cheat. I have no idea if he’s ever gifted anything and on the surface I’d say he’s far too sensible with money for that but obviously I didnt even know he watched these vids. Maybe it was a one off and did genuinely just pop up in his YouTube feed … maybe it’s a regular, I’ll never know.
Problem is i now feel all disconnected from him. I think he thinks it knocks my self esteem - it doesn’t really though yes it’s not great. So his reassuring he loves me only goes so far to help. The fact is it’s given me a bit of an ick for him and makes me think of him as a sad dirty old man. Every time I see him on iPad I wonder what he’s watching and feel a bit grim about it. The girl was about same age as his eldest. Not a kid but mid 20s and we are 50s!
We are due to go on a romantic break and I just feel like I can’t even be bothered talking to him let alone having sex. I just feel like I don’t really know him and now don’t trust him or feel at all close or loving. I’m downplaying it with him as I wanted time to process without him constantly declaring his love etc. But for me I feel so different when I look at him at the moment and am avoiding him. In some ways it’s only 2 small instances but yet it’s opened a can of worms of what else does he look at and what’s going on in his head.
Aibu?
If so how do I stop feeling like this?

Yes, you have to correct definition.

I think you really aren't understanding the difference between a solitary wank and sex. The key is in the solitary, it's not about you. It's just a stress relieving pleasurable thing, most people have the occasional fantasy that they want to keep in their heads, it's not a rejection of your partner. Sex takes headspace and a quick wank doesn't. Really, you are making too big a thing of this.
Porn is another matter, I'm not a fan, but you are making him lie about it, as he obviously knows you are going to have this reaction.

I'm saying all this as a women by the way.

Here’s the thing: sometimes, it’s possible to just fancy a wank. It’s a different thing from sex, and it’s even a different thing from getting ‘relief’ from a partner. I’m not a bloke, but there are definitely times when - even if my partner were to offer to get me off without me having to reciprocate - I would probably just prefer some, er, alone time. It’s just a different dynamic and a different thing. Almost like wanting to go to a cafe on your own sometimes. I love my partner and I like going for a coffee with him but sometimes I just want to do that on my own because it’s a different headspace and I just don’t want to do something with another person. Same applies to sex. My partner’s great in bed and I love him and fancy him. I really enjoy sex with him. But now and again I just want to make myself come without having to connect with another person, even my lovely partner.

Everyone is entitled to masturbate in private. Everyone is entitled to turn down sex. You have a sex life with your husband and he is allowed to prefer a wank occasionally - it doesn’t have any bearing whatsoever on his attraction to you.

The YouTube video? Yeah, it probably did just come up in his feed. The algorithm knows he’s a slightly older man and it probably will be recommending videos of attractive younger women to him. It is very natural and normal that an attractive woman, regardless of her age, is going to catch a man’s eye. To be honest, if a video of a gorgeous shirtless man appeared in my feed, I’d probably watch it out of curiosity and enjoy a couple of minutes of mindless ogling. Frankly, my Instagram feed is frequently full of attractive men because I follow fan accounts for The Witcher - consequently it recommends me clips of Henry Cavill which I invariably end up watching because it’s a nice little visual treat, and now I also get various clips of other good-looking men with great bodies. Sometimes I watch them, think ‘Blimey, what a hot man’, and then give them no more thought whatsoever.

None of this means I don’t fancy my partner (who is in his 50s and not at all like Henry Cavill!) or that my partner isn’t enough for me. I adore him and I find him very attractive and I love sex with him.

You’re obviously allowed to have porn as a deal-breaker and to be uncomfortable with it. That’s up to you.

But all I’m saying is that I do think you’re attributing a meaning to your husband’s actions which simply aren’t there. Everyone has a private interior life in their head that has nothing to do with their partner. If you have a serious objection to the very concept of porn, which obviously many people do and which you’re entitled to have, then you can make this your line in the sand. But even if he never watches porn again, he is still going to have a wank now and again and he is still going to have idle thoughts of attractive women. That is normal and it doesn’t mean he doesn’t fancy you.

Thank you beautifulday and Bauhaus for those really helpful and thoughtful responses. I will reflect on that. Perhaps I am not understanding here. I think maybe as I’ve been so open with him and 100% prefer sex together to solo I’ve just assumed he was the same but clearly not! I will take on board that it doesn’t necessarily mean anything bad.
Thank you again to those that helped me reflect and provided other helpful and kind opinions here - really appreciate it. Hope you all have a good Sunday!

Men are wired differently. Sometimes (well many times) they just want to get off on their own in private. Doesn’t mean anything with regards to whether they do or do not find their partner attractive, etc, etc, etc. They’re just men.

They all watch it, I went out with a Pakistan Dr he said they all watch it, I think you just have to accept it. Main reason I'm staying single, it's all gone to far.

What a silly silly post. Imagine diagnosing someone online as a narcissist because they have concerns over porn consumption.

OP it isn't about the bath

It's about him perving over a girl the same age as his daughter. He is a dirty old man who sees women as objects and does not care one jot about the damage porn does. No wonder you have the ick.

Hardly porn on YouTube
People tend not to be entertained by their own age group (maybe 20 somethings)
You seem to have given the impression to him that the occasional use was okay but are now saying it's only okay if I lay down the rules.
(the narcissist comment isn't too wide of the mark)

It's simple, if you can't live with it you say look I made a mistake I'm not alright about it.

You can't micro manage his usage, if you ask him to stop chances are he will but if you get into the habit of policing his behaviour the chances are that you'll cause resentment or push him to be thoroughly secretive, in which case he may delve deeper or seek someone irl less controlling.

Sorry, but a scantily clad youtuber is today's equivalent of looking through the catalogue lingerie section....its not sxx trafficking

The thing that is concerning isn't watching porn or masturbating, but the fact he feels the need to lie about it - either you are being judgemental about something totally normal (so he's being secretive in a way he wouldn't be with someone else) or he has a problem he is trying to hide (e.g. he is addicted to porn or is paying people online for sex). Neither one is conducive to a healthy relationship.

Is this post some kind of click bait?

Try finding a man that doesn't, better chance of winning the lottery

Ignoring the porn for a minute, there are absolutely times when I'd rather get myself off than have DP do it for me.

Even if all I've got to do is "just lie back" during a hand job, it's a different experience than masturbating. Masturbating somehow involves less effort, because I'm in control I don't have to focus on having an orgasm in the same way I do in DP is in charge.

The two things scratch different urges for me. Sex doesn't satisfy the urge to wank, and a wank doesn't satisfy the urge for sex.

Edit: Sorry, just seen that others have posted similar and that you've taken it onboard, apologies for repeating a point.

This.

Has anyone heard of ‘orbiters’? I’ve only just come across the word. It refers to older men (40 +) who follow the videos of younger women on YouTube. Apparently it’s quite common. The girls are not posting erotic or provocative stuff, and their videos could be on anything from university exams to decorating their room. They are generally very pretty, of course, and the men become obsessed. Unlike Onlyfans, however, they don’t send them money, and unlike stalking the girls don’t know they exist.

He didn’t have to perform beyond lying down

Yikes....this is weird to me, beginning to see why he chooses a quick wank over easy porn!!

Why?

I think there's a big difference between random porn videos, and choosing specific women.
One ex friend once said to me all men have a favourite pornstar/glamour model etc, and that really gave me the ick.
I do not like porn, to me it is a form of cheating to view it whilst in a relationship, which i have an explicit coversation with potential partners about my feelings on it before we get to the dating stage.
The idea of someone in a relationship lusting and masturbating over a specific woman, it's just gross, its more about the actress than the act. Especially if they pay for it.
In your case the fact alone he's looking at someone 20 something years younger around his own daughters age is an ick i'd never come back from.

I'm sure any pretty girl posting openly on you tube will know that there will be many men watching their videos, presumably they're not stupid.

I’m not so sure. So far as I know, oribitors become obsessed with young women who post on stuff they’re genuinely interested in, like baking or science fiction.

Porn isn't 'healthy' by any measure. The word that keeps coming up is grim, and the grimmest thing is how it's making you feel. You don't need to force yourself to overcome that.

Many women watch porn regularly.

If someone is a regular YouTube poster they will know their videos can be viewed by anyone across the world including men. I'm pretty sure you can also view your analytics which shows the age range, gender, location etc of viewers.

Men looking at women the same age as their 20 something year old daughters is grim.

And OP is allowed to get the ick from that.

Would it still be grim if they didnt have daughters? What age of woman is it ok for a man to fancy or find attractive?