To ask what finally made you stop drinking as an alcoholic?

[ChappelMoan]

My mum is an alcoholic. My whole life has been completely overshadowed by it. I've never truly enjoyed a single life event as her drinking always ruins it- every Christmas, every birthday, weddings, funerals. I can't tell you how many times I've begged her to stop over the years. I want to know, if were a selfish alcoholic like my mum what finally made you stop? I don't think I will ever be able to get her to empathise with the pain she has caused.

I'm so sorry, I think stopping can only come from within them though, there's nothing you can do and all the love in the world wouldn't change that, nor does it mean she doesn't love you enough to stop. It might feel like that though. My close friend died of alcoholism, it sounds crazy but I didn't even know she was an alcoholic, I never saw her drink. All I know is she loved her son more than anything, I don't know if he'll ever know how much she loved him. It seems a contradiction because of her actions but all I can say with my friend was that her own pain and abuse she suffered was too much and the drinking and illness disguised as a way to cope until it took everything. Once it has a grip it's so difficult to overcome. Support makes a difference but I think it's hard to come by, there are amazing charities but then a doctor might be less sympathetic in terms of health and liver function and then it spirals. I have no idea what doctors said to my friend, how she got so ill so quickly was shocking. I think therapy would be really important and you might need some space, whatever you need is the right thing. I hope your mum can make it because it must hurt you a lot and everyone deserves better than the destruction alcoholism brings

I've been there again and again for my sister who is an alcoholic. She will be sober for months then drink herself into an oblivion. I've pulled her out of all sorts of situations but the long and short of it is that she can only do it herself. I've had to disengage from her altogether because quite frankly I've had enough.

My brother died an alcoholic, it was the drink that physically killed him, but the demons in his head and his mental health that made him drink. That’s what needs treating.

Im sorry you’re living with this, it’s a tough illness with a lot of judgement from people.

Do get help for yourself.

@ChappelMoan I have something in common with many (maybe most) people, and now with you. There has always been a serious alcoholic in my life. One - usually more - of my close relatives or dearest family friends at any one time. I also ended up working with addiction, but that's another story. I wish you well. Perhaps that is where to focus. On you. There are support organisations for family and friends for good reason. Building up your own self-care, knowledge and support means you can better help. Some of what you say - begged, selfish, empathise - is one frame of reference. You might reframe this over time. Now to your specific question. Knowing those people and learning from my job made me determined to control alcohol, not it control me. I saw the signs in myself and the damage starting. I stopped drinking for a decade, and now use alcohol happily and under strict control. Those other people didn't make it. But in a few cases they hit rock bottom (divorce, homeless or prison), recovered and had months, even years, of sober happiness before relapsing. Even when you can't help them, you can help yourself.

For my mother who was in her 70's at the time it was an accident & resulting lengthy stay in hospital. I can't forgive her, she has never apologised and barely acknowledges she had a problem.

I'm so sorry you are in this situation but there really is nothing that you can do. I coped with just leaving the situation as soon as she 'started'. Took a while but my family knew if I said right we are off that was an immediate bail from us. I wish I had cut contact to be honest.

Totally agree. DS only stopped when she reached rock bottom and nearly died but she still lapses. I have had to step away for the sake of my own health.

She will only stop when SHE wants to - and that will be when her life totally hits rock bottom… she either does something so horrifying when drunk (as I did) that she’s on the cusp of losing everything she holds dear - or she’s told by a doctor that if she doesn’t stop drinking she’s going to die. Alcoholics are totally selfish people - they put their need for drink before anything and everyone else.

Sorry you are going through this.

My mother was ab alcoholic abd caused so much damage it was unreal

a diagnosis of terminal cancer made her stop

The three Cs of addiction love

you didn’t cause it.

you can’t control it

and you can’t cure it.

im sorry. I lost a brother to alcoholism. Nothing ever made him stop and he died a horrible death.

I stopped when the factors that were ruining mental health improved/stopped (went no contact with all
the in laws - & low and behold instant improvement.)

For many people 'rock bottom' doesn't make them stop, because for someone addicted, the alcohol isn't the problem, it's their only way of coping. To us its the problem, to them it's the solution.
I'm sorry OP it's tough. I've lost three family members to alcohol or drugs and it's really hard to see it.

OP you may like to read some of the posts under Alcohol Support in the Health section of Talk

Lots of people in the same or similar position as you x

I am so sorry you are going through this. Just over a year ago, my daughters could have written this, I fear.

What made me stop? It was a combination of things. One thing I'd never done was lie about my drinking, or drink in secret, and I'd started to do that. My family were increasingly impatient and intolerant of my drinking, and vocal about my behaviour when I was drinking, about how I was slurring my words, and my bad wine breath. More and more, I was left alone, just me and my wine, on the couch, until I eventually woke after having coma'ed out, in the dark, the cold, to stumble off to bed. I was hiding a bottle of wine in my wardrobe, going up and drinking that, and sneaking the empty out when everyone was out. Telling myself that everyone was being mean and intolerant, and I was actually being 'considerate', because if my drinking disturbed them so much, then I'd drink in private in my room.

One day, I wrote down what I was going to drink that night. And man did I blitz past that allowance. (Poured a shitload of red wine over the sofa, too.) I went through the wine, looked for what else, found the Pedro Ximenez sherry for the Christmas trifle, and drank that? You ever drunk that shit straight? Revolting!!

Next morning, before I could think about what I was committing myself to,I went to DH, bawled my eyes out, and told him my tale of woe. My BIL had been in recovery for a few years, and we rang him, and talked to him. I haven't drunk alcohol since. Not so much as a sherry trifle!

Most alcohol addiction has untreated trauma at its roots. I don't think it helps to label people "alcoholics" it's stigmatising.

The underlying mental health/trauma needs addressing ultimately.

As a bystander it can be overwhelming and too much to take on. You are allowed to walk away if you need to in order to protect your own wellbeing.

Bryony Gordon writes great books on her experience with alcoholism. It helps to understand it. (She did recover ) It's nice to help you see the person first instead of just a selfish "alcoholic"

Omg congrats on giving it up !! 🎉

I stopped when someone I loved dearly, died. He was an alcoholic. I was alcohol dependent, but never to the extent he was. His death was horrific, as was his sister’s. His other sister (my mum) was also alcohol dependent, and died of a brain aneurysm, probably weakened by alcohol misuse.

There is deep trauma in that side of the family, but I refuse to let it take me too.

Thanks so much for your replies everybody. This is the sort of thing mumsnet is great for. I have nobody to talk to in real life except a friend who also has an alcoholic mum. Unfortunately people just don't get it like the responses do on here. In very grateful, was really struggling yesterday because I have a wedding coming up and instead of looking forward to it it's always a deep fear of how humiliated I will be and a horrible combination of dad's relatives judging her because that's the sort of people they are and me torn between not really blaming them because of how she behaves and being furious at her because I know she will hate herself when sober & angry at them for being so nasty. I can never just relax and mingle, I have to monitor it all. My DH is excellent but MIL is a gem and a solid support pillar for us both so he doesn't truly understand although he tries. It's just so hard, I'd do anything for her to even just sit and think about what we all have to go through with it.

I was a heavy drinker and social smoker. 3 visits to the hypnotherapist and I haven't even thought about drinking or smoking for 5 years. But it'll only work if she honestly wants to give up.

Its a horrid thing, something I wouldn't wish on anyone. I have no idea what was the magic moment. It was certainly a buildup and I absolutely wanted to stop. My family were suffering, I was miserable and could only physically live by drinking, went to rehab a handful of times, tried all the societies, literature, therapy, counselling, online groups etc etc etc. Suddenly, alcohol was pointless. That was that and I haven't drunk for 4 years. Alcohol has to be pointless. She needs to see that it's evil for us, alcoholics, that it is literally poison. That's the key for me, it's an evil poison but also something that I honestly don't need. What's the point? Hangovers are god awful, it's miserable and lonely. But she will only be able to try to quit if she wants to, you cannot force it.
I hate it when people say we're selfish. We're not, the change to our brains is.

Nothing at all seems to stop my DP’s ex. Not losing her marriage, her career, her children, her drivers licence, her house, her dog, her health , literally nothing. I have no idea where her rock bottom is, i think it’s death tbh, there’s nothing that will snap her out of it ever.

You could be describing my mum here

I accepted that basically life wasn’t going to change unless I changed it. I could go on drinking the huge amounts I was drinking every day forever and probably die much earlier than I should have. Or I could stop and see if that was less miserable. It had nothing to do with anything anyone else did or said. It was purely that I decided it was worth taking the risk to see if sobriety was less shitty than drinking 3 bottles of wine every day. (It is.) I drank heavily for 20 years and now sober for 2.5.

That said, the times other people did talk to me about my drinking, what helped was when people told me how much they loved me and how much they wanted me to be better. Alcoholism is born out of shame. No one needs to shame and judge an alcoholic, they do it all themselves. So any conversation that leads with how bad and terrible they are and how much damage they’ve caused will only add fuel to the fire to keep drinking.

If you want to have a conversation about it, I would come at it from a place of love and not judgement or begging or dumping all your hurt about it on them. There is a time and a place for those conversations, but it won’t help someone get sober.

We always say any one of those things on their own would make people stop but to literally lose it all & still not think, maybe it’s time to stop. She’s currently facing homelessness at Xmas as the house is being repossessed. I think she’ll end up in temporary accommodation being housed with others with addiction issue & will still not be at rock bottom

I was an alcoholic after being trafficked and then homeless. Life had gone from normal to utterly horrific in the space of a few years (much older man who I had thought was my boyfriend, forced me into it) and I couldn't cope at all.

What stopped me was finding out I was pregnant. I've had maybe five drinks since in the last six years. Sometimes I'll think, Oh I'll have a drink, but then I don't, because I don't actually want it. I think I'm lucky though.

Omg I hope she turns the corner soon ❤️

the good news is - turning the corner and unexpectedly good things happening CAN actually happen in this situation