To think DP shouldn’t have taken the DC out this morning?

Rainallnight · 2025-08-23T20:46:24+00:00

I’m feeling really cross about this but I’m generally a bit moody this week so keen for opinions. DP and her sister were going to a festival this afternoon. I booked to take the kids to an event in central London, which I’d wanted to take them to for ages. DP offered to take the DC this morning so I could have my nails done before she went to the festival. Here’s the key thing - DD is autistic and can only cope with one outing a day. We know this and have learned over time (the hard way!) that she needs downtime. So during DP’s time with the DC, she took them out on a long walk and for brunch so handed me over two kids who were exhausted and full of pancakes to take into central London. The trip was really hard going. We were late because DD had a meltdown when it was time to go, and then the rest of the trip was just hard work because of her behaviour, and fighting between her and her brother. I’m furious DP put me in that position. And she’ll be very put out if I say it to her - her general reaction is to be quite defensive if I’m critical of anything. AIBU?

QuickFawn · 23/08/2025 21:48

Did you not speak to each other about what the plans were for today?
seems odd they would take dc out knowing it would cause an issue for you later in the day

PamIsAVolleyballChamp · 23/08/2025 21:49

So you were off pampering, but wanted to control what your dp did with dc while you weren't there?
What would you deem acceptable?

Silverbirchleaf · 23/08/2025 21:50

So if you know dc gets over tired, why did you agree for her to go out this morning?

AintNoPunshineWhenShesGone · 23/08/2025 21:51

DP offered to take the DC this morning so I could have my nails done before she went to the festival.

Offered to take them where?

Original poster

Rainallnight · 23/08/2025 21:53

Silverbirchleaf · 23/08/2025 21:50

So if you know dc gets over tired, why did you agree for her to go out this morning?

I didn’t.

OP posts:

Original poster

Rainallnight · 23/08/2025 21:53

AintNoPunshineWhenShesGone · 23/08/2025 21:51

DP offered to take the DC this morning so I could have my nails done before she went to the festival.

Offered to take them where?

Take them, as in look after them so I could go out.

OP posts:

verycloakanddaggers · 23/08/2025 21:56

YANBU if it's normal to stick to one thing per day. I guess you could have checked before it happened.

she’ll be very put out if I say it to her - her general reaction is to be quite defensive if I’m critical of anything this sounds like a possible problem...

YesThatsATurdOnTheRug · 23/08/2025 21:59

She knew you were taking them out and knew they could only cope with one outing per day so she is BU. Seems very straightforward to me. She's not doing some massive favour looking after the dc which allows her license to ruin your outing.

InBedBy10 · 23/08/2025 22:02

YABU

I have an autistic son and this is just the way it is. Some days are OK and some aren't. That's not your partner's fault. If you think you can control their meltdowns your fooling yourself. There will be times when even if you do everything right, they will still have a meltdown.

Coffeeishot · 23/08/2025 22:05

Why didn't you say oh it is probably better if they stay at home so dd is ready for the "thing" did you not listen to what your partner said ?

Happyelephants · 23/08/2025 22:10

Are they her kids too?

If they're shared kids, then she's BU, but if she thought she was doing you a favour, and took them to the park or whatever, then she may not have realised how rigid your DD is.

You need to talk to her about how you manage your daughter's issues. Treat it as a problem to solve together, rather than blaming her for over stimulating your DD, and she may be less defensive.

You need to talk to your kids too about fighing and bickering, siblings don't have to fight all the time.

NuffSaidSam · 23/08/2025 22:14

If your DP was aware of your plans and is aware that DC can only cope with one thing each day then YANBU and she should have stayed home with them this morning.

I'm sorry that your afternoon wasn't what you'd hoped. It's always a shame when you plan something and it falls apart.

Needingadvice01 · 23/08/2025 22:17

I can't sympathise with both sides. I understand your frustration but also understand your partner wanting to be able to do with them what they choose in their own time when looking after them. Maybe you two should just make it clear with each other what the plan is in the morning? It's nice they offered to take them so you could have your nails done. I do understand your frustration though, it sounds like a stressful afternoon. Maybe just talk about it when you are feeling better?

JLou08 · 23/08/2025 22:28

InBedBy10 · 23/08/2025 22:02

YABU

I have an autistic son and this is just the way it is. Some days are OK and some aren't. That's not your partner's fault. If you think you can control their meltdowns your fooling yourself. There will be times when even if you do everything right, they will still have a meltdown.

I agree. My DC is autistic, it's not always predictable, although going to an event in Central London would be a good predictor that mine would have a meltdown. It is really tough and really stressful, do you think you could be unfairly directing your anger on your DP. A meltdown was probably likely even without her going out in the morning.

Original poster

Rainallnight · 23/08/2025 22:32

@Happyelephants Yes, they’re our kids. We have definitely talked to them about bickering - they both have developmental challenges so not easily fixed.

@NuffSaidSam thanks for your kindness.

@Coffeeishot they were already there when I found out about it.

@InBedBy10 This is a very helpful perspective, thanks. Fair point. I think I feel as though I’m always trying ‘manage’ things to sort of optimise things for DD (to be be fair, I lot of the fallout lands on me) but maybe I need to change my mindset about that.

@PamIsAVolleyballChamp staying in drawing, listening to music, reading…

OP posts:

LadyQuackBeth · 23/08/2025 22:36

My ASD DD would find a trip to London exhausting but a walk outside in the fresh air invigorating and restorative. She wouldn't consider these to be two "things," in the same category. I know everyone is different, but are you sure you and DP have the same definition of what one thing a day is, it's possible you are just talking at cross purposes. For example, anyone who has ever owned a dog doesnt consider a walk an event, it's normal, everyday life.

If you are planning to do something that drains her, as you were, maybe that should be done first thing and then she recovers, is there any way to spend the morning that would have worked well, especially if it was something with a big run up/pressure to enjoy it in the pm?

I don't think this is either of your faults completely, you are expecting to find the right formula and there might not be one.

SD1978 · 23/08/2025 22:41

I wouldn’t have classed a walk and some breakfast as an outing, to be honest- I’d see that as a normal low level activity, given there is no excitement to it

Needingadvice01 · 24/08/2025 08:00

I second that!

PamIsAVolleyballChamp · 24/08/2025 08:15

Rainallnight · 23/08/2025 21:53

I didn’t.

Show quote history

Why do you feel you get a greater say in what the dc do than your dp if you are both equal parents because that's how it comes across?

RhaenysRocks · 24/08/2025 08:30

Her "I didn't " comment was in response to a pp asking her why she "let" her partner take them. The op didn't say she should decide ..she's asking if her DP should have had the same awareness she does of the impact of her morning outing on the planned afternoon one and was perhaps inconsiderate to do what she did.
OP in the end I think this is a conversation...did your DP just not think it through or does she disagree with your approach of ultra careful optimisation? There's a lot to consider and worth using this as a "learning moment" for your family approach going forward.

tumblingdowntherabbithole · 24/08/2025 08:50

SD1978 · 23/08/2025 22:41

I wouldn’t have classed a walk and some breakfast as an outing, to be honest- I’d see that as a normal low level activity, given there is no excitement to it

That may be the case for a neurotypical person but for someone with autism even very basic tasks can be draining and overstimulating.

blueredpurple · 24/08/2025 09:04

I do empathise massively as the mother of an autistic child.

Mine is only 8 and can be quite rigid. He will want a full day at home following a full day out, not do too much in one day, will bargain to do an hour out of the house then come home etc… It is exhausting trying to organise things and disheartening if we want to do something but know it will ultimately not be enjoyable for anyone.

Generally we do make sure he is comfortable, and after a busy day we make space for him to recharge the following day, but we don’t always ‘pander’ to him.

We sometimes encourage him to give it a try going out, mild bribery, positive reinforcement. In the real world it just isn’t sustainable to always do specifically what you want and we feel it is good to push his boundaries a little sometimes and show him that he can cope with doing a little more.

I’m talking a trip to the supermarket or a walk around the park, quick visit to grandmas house, when he is demanding to stay at home. Sometimes no he can’t stay at home just because the previous day was full on.

I guess what i am trying to say is allowing your child to dictate to only doing one thing in a day forevermore isn’t going to be helpful and sometimes they will have to do more.

Zippidydoodah · 24/08/2025 09:10

blueredpurple · 24/08/2025 09:04

I do empathise massively as the mother of an autistic child.

Mine is only 8 and can be quite rigid. He will want a full day at home following a full day out, not do too much in one day, will bargain to do an hour out of the house then come home etc… It is exhausting trying to organise things and disheartening if we want to do something but know it will ultimately not be enjoyable for anyone.

Generally we do make sure he is comfortable, and after a busy day we make space for him to recharge the following day, but we don’t always ‘pander’ to him.

We sometimes encourage him to give it a try going out, mild bribery, positive reinforcement. In the real world it just isn’t sustainable to always do specifically what you want and we feel it is good to push his boundaries a little sometimes and show him that he can cope with doing a little more.

I’m talking a trip to the supermarket or a walk around the park, quick visit to grandmas house, when he is demanding to stay at home. Sometimes no he can’t stay at home just because the previous day was full on.

I guess what i am trying to say is allowing your child to dictate to only doing one thing in a day forevermore isn’t going to be helpful and sometimes they will have to do more.

Excellent post 👍

FourIsNewSix · 24/08/2025 09:13

blueredpurple · 24/08/2025 09:04

I do empathise massively as the mother of an autistic child.

Mine is only 8 and can be quite rigid. He will want a full day at home following a full day out, not do too much in one day, will bargain to do an hour out of the house then come home etc… It is exhausting trying to organise things and disheartening if we want to do something but know it will ultimately not be enjoyable for anyone.

Generally we do make sure he is comfortable, and after a busy day we make space for him to recharge the following day, but we don’t always ‘pander’ to him.

We sometimes encourage him to give it a try going out, mild bribery, positive reinforcement. In the real world it just isn’t sustainable to always do specifically what you want and we feel it is good to push his boundaries a little sometimes and show him that he can cope with doing a little more.

I’m talking a trip to the supermarket or a walk around the park, quick visit to grandmas house, when he is demanding to stay at home. Sometimes no he can’t stay at home just because the previous day was full on.

I guess what i am trying to say is allowing your child to dictate to only doing one thing in a day forevermore isn’t going to be helpful and sometimes they will have to do more.

Yes, but would you intentionally decide to force it on a day when the plan is a longer special afternoon activity with just one parent, and the morning is free?

FourIsNewSix · 24/08/2025 09:19

It sounds quite bad to me.

If the DP has all information and understands them the same way, it was inconsiderate at the very least.

Or, DP doesn't have the same information/doesn't interpret them the same way, and it was some kind of communication error/oversight.

The biggest issue here is And she’ll be very put out if I say it to her - her general reaction is to be quite defensive if I’m critical of anything.

You both need to find a way to discuss things. Can you try to not formulate it as a criticism, but lesson learned/going forward?