To think DP shouldn’t have taken the DC out this morning?

[Rainallnight]

I’m feeling really cross about this but I’m generally a bit moody this week so keen for opinions.

DP and her sister were going to a festival this afternoon. I booked to take the kids to an event in central London, which I’d wanted to take them to for ages.

DP offered to take the DC this morning so I could have my nails done before she went to the festival.

Here’s the key thing - DD is autistic and can only cope with one outing a day. We know this and have learned over time (the hard way!) that she needs downtime.

So during DP’s time with the DC, she took them out on a long walk and for brunch so handed me over two kids who were exhausted and full of pancakes to take into central London.

The trip was really hard going. We were late because DD had a meltdown when it was time to go, and then the rest of the trip was just hard work because of her behaviour, and fighting between her and her brother.

I’m furious DP put me in that position. And she’ll be very put out if I say it to her - her general reaction is to be quite defensive if I’m critical of anything.

AIBU?

This is a known trigger point and while you cannot always avoid them if its going to be to someone else's detriment you probably should

If your the one having to deal with the fallout carry on

With an autistic child who has an outing later I would definitely not do a busy morning regardless of what DP was doing.

To be honest I probably wouldn't do a long walk with any DC if they were going into London later. A quiet morning relaxing makes far more sense.

How do you 'take the kids ' if you all live in the same house? Not trying to be goady it's just I would take that to mean out of the house because unless they are babies or young toddlers you don't hand them over in the same sense.

I get you were having your nails done but that's not really 'offering to take them' as you were presumably never dragging them along so the default would be they stay with her and she would need to offer anything?

A walk and a bit of food seems quite low key. From your partner's perspective she's probably seen it as a bit of fresh air and a sit down - a good contrast to central London and a chance to burn off a bit of energy before they go on the train.

The logic is reasonable but if it doesn't work for your DD then I see it from your perspective. However it sounds like she was attempting to do a good thing but you need a chat about strategies in future and you need to communicate better as this feels like crossed wires in that you both reasonably could argue the other understood what you meant.

All thia so you could get your nails done, why couldn't you have done that on a previous day?

And today's prize for spectacularly missing the point goes too....

She should be able to trust her partner to do what he said he would do.

Sorry if I've misunderstood, but basically you went to get your nails done, thinking that dp was at home with the kids, expecting to find them calm and ready for what was inevitably going to be a bit of a rollercoaster afternoon, as all of us with autistic children (or any children) know?! Then she was going to a festival in the afternoon. Do you know if the kids were a bit ratty after you left and maybe she thought she'd be doing you a favour going for a walk with them? Then fed them so they wouldn't be hungry and grouchy whilst travelling? Even if they weren't ratty, surely she thought she was making the right choice and didn't plan to make it more difficult for you? If she'd taken them to soft play or something, it would've been asking for trouble, but you can understand that she thought a walk and some food would be OK?
I think that most things with kids, autistic or not, are more than likely to have ups and downs and the fact that you'd been looking forward to it and really wanted the kids to love it made it all the worse.
I really feel for you...it's awful when things go spectacularly wrong and really frustrating when your partner does things differently to how you would, but tbh, your daughter would probably have kicked off at some point anyway (if she's anything like my dc!) as it was an overstimulating afternoon, even if it was brilliant and something she was really looking forward to. I think you should try to focus on the good bits of the day because there's nothing you can really do about it. If your dp disregards your wishes and ignores your dc wellbeing then its a whole different matter and you need to have a serious talk. All the best.

Thanks for this very considered response. Yes, I do think she probably thought she was doing the right thing.

You’re not my DD.

To be honest it sounds like you had a shite day and you are looking to blame someone else. If the one thing per day is a total deal breaker then you broke it by carrying on with the second thing. But it sounds like you make up the rules as you go so it can all be DPs fault.

I don't think you need to change your mindset OP.

I think you both have an understanding of what your DD finds manageable and that is one outing a day.

I agree with others that absolutely you can do everything right one day and DC will still struggle, but that doesn't mean just ignore everything you know about what they can usually manage.

Seems weird that DP didn't think this through.

Absolutely an outing. Would be for me as an autistic adult who can generally do no more than one outing a day, and would be for my autistic children who are similar.