Would I be happier with more children or am I being illusional?

[Feelingatadoff]

Male infertility, I'm late 30s, we've tried for years to have a second and it's not happening. IVF would ruin us financially and there's also a health risk for me in regards to doing IVF. Whenever I see bigger families I feel so incomplete and at the same time so ashamed to not just be happy with what I have as I have the most wonderful child, and also a fabulous husband.

AIBU to think I'd be happier with more children??

You might be or you might not be, I don’t think anyone will be able to tell you. Personally I am happier with two DCs, however if IVF had been my only option to have a second I wouldn’t have done it and I’d have stuck with one DC.

Sorry you’re dealing with such turmoil and the what ifs. It’s crushing to have health condition that impact your desire for a bigger family
You are were you are. Try not let what ifs and disappointment shape your current family life
Put Your energies into what’s here,now. Your family,your role as dad,husband

Yes you are because you are putting your happiness in the hands of someone else which is unfair. Nobody is responsible for our happiness certainly not a child.

Now parent the child you have - as an only child who has spent time talking to other only children enjoy the one you have and never make them feel they aren’t enough.

the grass is greener on the other side I am happy to be an only child

No one can tell you what child you would have.

It might be easier, it might be more difficult, the kids might get on fabulously or hate each other. One might be disabled, who knows.

You are better off focusing on your only, create a big group of friends (cousins if you have any) and give them the best social life. Your child will have opportunities big families don't, it's easier to pay for trips and activities with 1 child than splitting the pot between 3 or 4.

IVF would ruin us financially that would be very unfair on your first.

Don't put yourself in the mindset you should have more, your child will feel that he's not enough, they are not stupid or blind.

I think that's it, nothing has ever made me happier than being a mum so I'd have loved to have more....it just doesn't seem meant to be
..

I just realised I worded this incorrectly. I'm the woman, my DH has the sperm problem . I've got such an immense desire for a second child that I've considered suggesting sperm donation for a second DC, but I know he would be crushed by this suggestion and he's also very happy with our setup - I do sometimes wonder if I've just over thought it all massively and should just leave it be as it is and enjoy the setup I have!

I would never ever talk about this in any way in front of our wonderful DC. I tell them everyday how loved they are

You might be, but it’s unlikely to be transformatively happier.

I presume you/he wouldn’t consider adoption ? - it’s got its challenges obviously.

I'm so happy to hear that you are happy being an only child! Hopefully my DC will feel the same :-) I try and facilitate lots of playdates etc

I've absolutely consider it, as we struggled to have our first even looked into it then. However I know people who have adopted and personally think the hugely invasive nature of the process is unfair on the first child.

I don’t think you are being unreasonable with how you feel but I do suggest that you seek out some support (perhaps a counsellor) to try to help you with the feelings.

Adoption is always suggested glibly. Realistically many adoption fail,and it’s fraught and demanding process
You have one child,don’t sweat the what ifs. Make peace with what you have, not an idolised fantasy of a big family

How happy would you be if this second child was born with disabilities?

Thank you for your reply. I've actually tried therapy twice but I just run out of things to say (I basically want a bigger family of poss and it's not happening, so that's that)
I'm genuinely worried that I'll feel sad about this until the end of times!

This is absolutely a consideration, you are correct...I just keep seeing big families and wonder if their kids are happier because they have siblings!

of course you don't talk in front of them, but your children pick on a lot more than you think. It's more obvious than you think. Your child can see and feel you react when someone (stupidly) ask if you have others or when you will have more.. your child can feel when you are sad.

When you try and you have your periods, it brings you down, it's natural, but your child will feel it.

I also think getting some therapy to help with the feelings would be helpful. Focusing on being 'happier' sort of simplifies it too much. Even if you conceived with no problem, you could have other problems in your pregnancy, serious physical consequences from being pregnant, or any other difficult situation. But you need help processing your situation and coming to a peaceful place with whatever course you take.

@Feelingatadoff presuming that you've exhausted all testing for secondary infertility?

What a disgusting thing to ask

I absolutely have. DH has very low count due to an operation he has many years ago and we were actually extremely lucky to have our one DC naturally. I'm fine though my AMH is low normal and my periods are not the most regular

Thank you. Yes that's the thing, I think I've really completely over thought this in the last few years and now can't see the trees for the woods anymore!

I just keep seeing big families and wonder if their kids are happier because they have siblings!

You can't compare/measure different people's 'happiness' in this way, this is not how life works.

It’s odd that you’ve even had therapy but haven’t mentioned sperm donation to your husband. It’s important to you so it’s important to discuss ALL options with each other rather than just assuming and then wondering what if.

if you read threads on here, some people loved having several siblings but others were absolutely miserable

if only it was so easy as having a specific number of children to guarantee happiness!

The thing is it is hard for people with siblings to imagine being an only child because then you are removing actual living people. I have never had a sibling and to have one would completely change my life and I am happy where I am. My parents took me on great holidays and are now very involved grandparents. A sibling would change the dynamic for everyone and yes maybe it would have been better and maybe it would have been worse but more likely it would just be different.

Trithfully occasionally I wonder a little bit like I wonder how life would have been different had I made a couple of other decisions but then I look at where I am and I wouldn’t change that