Would I be happier with more children or am I being illusional?

[Feelingatadoff]

Male infertility, I'm late 30s, we've tried for years to have a second and it's not happening. IVF would ruin us financially and there's also a health risk for me in regards to doing IVF. Whenever I see bigger families I feel so incomplete and at the same time so ashamed to not just be happy with what I have as I have the most wonderful child, and also a fabulous husband.

AIBU to think I'd be happier with more children??

The thing is I'm not even sure this is what I want- I'm simultaneously really afraid of messing something up and not expanding my family so sometimes I'm wondering if it's an anxiety problem at the root of it all....

Compromise dictates you need to accept you’re a one child family. He doesn’t want sperm donation (and that’s up to him) You cannot put strains on your existing family in the pursuit of another child. Consider making self referral to talk therapy and if further therapy is required they can recommend which pathway

Defo speak to a therapist OP.

You aren’t out of options for expanding your family it’s whether adoption is right for you.

If you think this could be anxiety it might be helpful to work through this with a therapist

Have you had any therapy to discuss your situation? Can you talk openly with your DH about feeling sad you won't have more?

If you read up on loss/acceptance, it may be that you haven't done the sad/angry bits and so may be stuck.

No
Being in throes of anxiety and self doubt isn’t time to pursue adoption

I've spoken to my DH time and time again about how I feel and he's incredibly understanding, I've also talked to two therapists but each time I felt there just wasn't much to discuss and I kind of ran out of things to say....

I’m not sure if my perspective is helpful, but I felt compelled to respond.

i have three kids - twin boys (15) and a daughter (11) conceived with donor sperm due to husband’s low sperm count. So I absolutely understand how you feel (and I already had two children!) (incidentally, if you do consider the donor sperm route further I would highly recommend the Donor Conception Network).

Anyway, while I know I would do the same again, sometimes (quite a lot) the bickering between the children and particularly between the boys and their sister feels like it is draining every drop of joy out of my parenting experience. It’s so relentless and energy sapping. I haven’t given up hope that they will resolve things in future, but at the moment that’s how it is. The moments of delightful sibling interaction are so FEW AND FAR BETWEEN that I don’t think they are worth it!

And we are a mob. When we do things like going to visit parents we are loud and take up lots of space and can’t fit in their car and can’t pop into a little cafe and get a table. And all that sort of stuff.

So, I guess it’s easy to want the big family, feel like that would make you happier, but try to bank the upsides of enjoying time with your one. And being nimble and fleet of foot. If that makes sense.

It sounds as if you don’t have much of an option if IVF will break you financially. With the low odds, the thought of paying a loan back for years after it fails would just be additional torture each month. I had 2 failed rounds after DD’s successful round.

Grieve the family you won’t have, this will help you move forward. This was a huge part of the journey for me. I absolutely adore just having an only now and I wouldn’t switch it for the world. My DD and I do so much together, our bond is incredibly close. she gets to have experiences that just wouldn’t be financially viable if I had more and hobbies that don’t come cheap.

There are pros and cons to all types of families. Just focus on the positives of yours until you are fully embracing

It's not quite the same situation, but we had to decide whether to enjoy the 2 we had or to have more, as per our original plans, and not be able to afford anything with our family. It turned out for the best in a number of ways for us, as housing, cars and living generally were more affordable when things hit the pan healthwise a few years later. It was crushing at the time, but I poured all my energy into my dc and dn who I have a very close bond with, and now I'm relieved we ended up making that decision.

There is a grief that comes with not having the family you thought you'd have, and I think you need to allow yourself the time and space to work through it. Also consider all the implications of any other avenue, such as the impact on your relationship, and whether you would potentially be happy as a single parent if your marriage were to break down following the use of a sperm donor etc.

There are positives to having one, maybe focus on that instead of negatives. There are no guarantees you would be happier with more than one.
My oldest is at the age I'm starting to look at uni costs. I actually never thought this would be an issue and student loans would have it covered. However, accommodation costs where he wants to go are more than the maintenance loan he would get, then there's everything else that needs to be paid for. You might be grateful to just have 1 when this time comes for you. Teenagers in general are a lot more expensive than little ones too, phone contracts, more pricey clothes, transport and money for days out. My 2 teens don't even spend any time together other than enforced family meals, I imagined they would be the best of friends being so close in age.

I was absolutely adamant that we needed at least twice children. Despite an ivf nightmare to have one. Then, I was just so desperate to be a mother that I thought I would just be glad to have one.

Then we had one, and I got pretty obsessed with two. I think this is partly cultural, as I had seen only children pitied so much that I couldn't handle that for dc1.

Also partly because my first pregnancy was a nightmare and I really wanted to experience bring pregnant and just happy, no extreme fear.

Though, when your first experience is traumatic, your second is never going to be carefree. I toyed with a third in pursuit of a great experience, but I will not do it. I love my dc and I know that the early tough bits fade so quickly. I cannot remember my issues with dc2 to be honest. They were perfect and healthy. Dc1 had issues that were difficult. So we were just so, so greatful to take a baby home from hospital and keep them home. That would have been a dream first time round!

I had some therapy early on second time around, as I could see I had some distorted thinking.

It was v useful.

I can't speak to your happiness but I definitely have a view on only children.

Each of my children have multiple only children as friends.

They are the loveliest, most well adjusted happy genuine children, and I have never heard any suggestion second hand that they miss a sibling.

Their parents were happily one and done, all older parents. They are in our lives 14-20 years.

Talk to someone for yourself but don't beat yourself up over your much loved child, whom is most likely extremely content with their lot.

You can be an absolutely amazing mum to one child, if you have another child it's always a lottery, maybe they could have a lot of needs that take time and energy away from your first child.

You love being a mum so try and forget the alternate life with additionally child/rent, and throw yourself into motherhood with your existing child, and being an auntie if you have nieces or nephews.

You don't have any options which you and your husband are happy with so as long as you're happy together just go with it. You have a lovely child and you may get pregnant in the future -you may not.

I have two dcs. I wouldn't say I am happier than when we had one. I am busier, poorer and feel more guilty all time (at how I split my time, whether I work enough to provide, whether I work too much etc etc). So same level of happiness really with the result but possibly more stress to get there.

Hmm don’t think I said that.

I think I said speak to a therapist.

I've met lots of mums who had one and would probably have liked more but it wasn't to be. I also have a friend who tried so much over and over for a second, she wouldn't change a thing but has really struggled so I wouldn't say there's any relation to happiness. A large age gap is a factor too and your health and energy levels. It's a very personal decision but any future child isn't there to make you happy or your child a playmate. Only have one if you're understanding that you could be completely miserable with more and the siblings could fight endlessly!

Think hard of the effect on DC1 both financially and emotionally.
Not only will their quality of life go down but they may grow up feeling that they weren't good enough that you felt the need to bankrupt the family for a different one.

Thanks so much for your kind reply!!

Thank you so much, that's really thought provoking. I don't know when but at some point I had started to think that with several children I'd have more "purpose" in life, before I had one I never even knew I wanted a big family and never understood anyone who had one complaining about not having a second!