To think working mums get more sympathy than working dads, even when both struggle?

[ZanyTealSwan]

When mothers juggle work and kids, it’s applauded. When fathers do, it’s expected. AIBU to think working dads don’t get anywhere near the same compassion or credit?

Well they rarely put in the same effort. Almost never in fact

Probably because most working mums also do more in the house and take more responsibility for their kids social lives, school lives, sports etc.

When working mothers work and juggle kids it’s expected

when working dads do the same they are regarded as amazing and heroic

The only working dad I know who even comes CLOSE to any working mum I know was widowed very, very young and hasn’t remarried.

I think there is something to this but it’s because it’s unfortunately not the norm. I know men including mine own OH that do at least half or more and in my area of work they don’t / wouldn’t get the same understanding or appreciation as it would be expected the mum would be doing more

Father's get a extraordinary amount of praise and recognition for doing about a third of what's expected from mothers. Its often taken for granted that women just pick up the slack.

I only know one Dad who juggles work and kids and his stress etc gets no sympathy/empathy from a lot of people.
Were he female, it would be a different story.
However, in every othet family I know, it is Mum who shoulders the majority burden.

I don’t think we get more sympathy, I think that - like a PP has just said - it’s expected. The majority of the time we pick up all the extra work, children, housework etc. I’m a single parent, DD’s Dad does barely anything, though when he does it’s like he’s a superhero! Even his wife admitted he hasn’t changed and does nothing in their relationship either. I’m the one expected to leave work if there are issues, to attend all GP/hospital appointments, to do the homework, shop for whatever they need, never take a days leave for myself. Kudos to those Dads that do what a parent should, but I’d say it’s rare.

Applauded by who? I generally find the opposite tbh. Although I think some work places expect dads not to be doing childcare duties, but these sorts of places aren't as lenient as a whole about family responsibilities. These are the sort of places which are likely to employ less women in the first place for exactly that reason.

Women rarely get applauded for juggling it all. It's expected both inside and outside of work. Women are more likely to chose lower paid work which is flexible because of societal expectation that they juggle work and most of the house work and childcare.

Personally I work full time and I'm a single parent with no help from his dad. I've had positive comments from people in my current workplace but I was laid off because I was pregnant from my last role, then while interviewing for new roles if I made any mention about having a young child I often got questions about my suitability for the role and comments about long hours etc... I tried to avoid the topic but often people asked!

Aware this is all prejudice but it happens and very little you can do. I feel quite bitter when I hear comments from colleagues about men with children or expecting a child being more driven...

I think it works both ways but women are obviously more disadvantaged in the workplace which is something, which is backed up by numbers and reports.

This.

How many working dads do you know that have had to take 12 months off work, cover the sick days and reduce their working hours?. Or worse completely give up their jobs? Is this really a mystery OP...

Women definitely face huge structural barriers at work and your experience really highlights that. What I was getting at is more the social perception side - I’ve noticed dads don’t often get the same public compassion or praise for juggling, it’s just taken as expected. Maybe it’s less about workplaces and more about how society talks about mothers vs fathers?

This!

Actually, I will go a step further and say that most people will criticise the working mother for not being perfect whereas the dad gets called a ‘hands on dad’

It’s because, in our society you see it much less. People won’t expect that situation and don’t have the built in responses to it to on the rare occasion it comes up.

I’m not saying dads and mums face identical pressures, clearly they don’t. My point was more about perception: when mums juggle, it’s often framed as heroic but when dads do, it’s seen as the bare minimum. That difference in how it’s talked about is what I’m questioning.

That’s because very often, the men are doing the bare minimum. You even acknowledged the struggles are not the same. Are you a man or a woman?

HA

Is it Opposite Day or something?

Dads delivering bare minimum work and parenting are like Superman and fawned over

Women delivering both are criticised in some way other no matter what they do.

This!! My brother is a working single dad (50/50 custody) and is constantly getting compliments about how hands on he is as a dad for just showing up to playgroup with him. He is a good dad, don't get me wrong but I've never known a working female friend or myself been complimented so regularly for rather basic parenting stuff 🤣

I also rolled my eyes mega hard at a birthday party the other day when a dad had bought along his two kids and all the mums were falling over themselves to tell him what a fab job he was doing with both, even though plenty had two themselves 🤣

The bar is lower for men for sure.

I don’t think it really matters whether I’m a man or a woman, the point is about how society frames these roles. If men doing the bare minimum is the norm, then surely that’s part of why we should interrogate how both mums and dads are talked about, not just assume sympathy belongs on one side.

I get what you’re saying, dads do sometimes get treated like superheroes for doing the basics, while women get scrutinised either way. I just think there’s a flip side too, where mums are seen as ‘struggling heroes’ for juggling it all but dads juggling the same don’t get much sympathy at all. Feels like both sides are boxed in by stereotypes.

That doesn’t even really make sense. And yes it matters, sounds like man to me.

One dad at my DC’s school who has 3 DDs got absolutely sucked up to by teachers and other parents when his wife was away for work and he…wait for it…managed to plait the girls’s hair 🙄

I haven't seen many dads around juggling tbh . Even when both work it's almost always the mum dealing with school, playdates etc etc. I would say the contrary is true: when there is a dad regularly doing the school run and being present for his children he's being treated like a hero.

Meh, I’ve never seen a working dad put in the same effort or carry as much of the mental load. I’m sure those dads are out there, but I’ve yet to meet one.

I work FT in a high pressure job, I am the breadwinner and raise 2 kids. I’ve been called lots of names but never anything like a struggling hero.

Names I have been called: selfish, absent parent, workaholic.

My DH works, but does fewer hours than me and so does most of the school runs and cooking. He’s treated like a God by the same people who call me those names.