To think working mums get more sympathy than working dads, even when both struggle?

[ZanyTealSwan]

When mothers juggle work and kids, it’s applauded. When fathers do, it’s expected. AIBU to think working dads don’t get anywhere near the same compassion or credit?

It’s obvious you’re a man BTW OP.

Nothing quite smacks of male entitlement than “waaaaah the women are getting praised, what about meeeeee”

I'd say it's the opposite my friend works in a nursery and she said any time a kid is in and they might not be able to get hold of them. and they ring the dad quite often the dad will say can't you just ring my wife because they won't leave Work.

It's the reason we have such gender imbalances in the workplace because men don't step up as they should they don't juggle.

Women don't get empathy imo

Most working mums I know juggle All the time, no one sees it as heroic! They are often criticised but rarely praised. Is this a reverse post?

Ever heard the phrase, women are expected to parent like they have no job, and work like they have no kids?

Women are expected to be perfect at both. My DH does a lot that I ask of him but I’m still doing way more of childcare and housework etc. He is not juggling as much. He sometimes takes a day of AL if our DC are sick and always gets told what an amazing parent he is for doing so yet when I do it I’m a burden!!

Except, men don't juggle in the same way. Or hardly ever.

I think the very few men who actually do - eg the ones who are single dads for example - get even more praise and credit than women in similar circumstances.

I think its amusing that you think men juggle the same as women and THAT's why they aren't praised. The reality is that they're not praised as much because most of the time, we're all just rolling our eyes at the song and dance they make because they have to do pick up one day a week.

In my workplace, there are a number of men who are genuinely doing more and as far as I can tell, they're treated the same. There's a culture of being accomodating to childcare responsibilities for example, no matter who it is that has them. But it's interesting to me that of the senior leadership team, while 3 are women, two of them don't have children and the one who does had her children very young and they're adults and independent now.

Not a reverse post, just an observation. I hear a lot of narratives (especially in media or workplaces) about how inspiring it is when mums juggle everything, while dads doing the same are rarely described that way. I know the reality is more complicated and often mums get criticised too, but the difference in language stood out to me.

Exactly, that’s the double standard I was trying to highlight. Women are expected to do it all without praise, while dads get kudos for stepping in even occasionally. The way the struggles are talked about is uneven and that’s what I was questioning.

while dads doing the same are rarely described that way.

Can you give a single example of a man who is juggling who is treated less well? As others have pointed out, for a start, most women are NOT praised. I would agree though that there's more of an awareness that the burden on women is disproportionate, and that as they manage this, they should be acknowledged as doing it.

But show me a man who is NOT getting credit but who is GENUINELY doing what these women are doing, and then we can talk.

I still think the responsibility rests mostly on the woman’s shoulders though and she’s usually the one carrying the burden of arranging childcare

This is 100% NOT what you said in the beginning.

There ewas a similar thread the other day supposedly about single mothers being portrayed negatively, with a similar shift in the actual statements from the OP. Was that you?

Why don't you just post what your actual issue is - are you a single parent? Male/Female? Are you struggling with something specific?

Its the absolute opposite.

A hands on, fantastic Dad is the equivalent of a mediocre Mum.

How many times do Mums get asked where their dc is when they happen to go out without then vs how many Dads get asked?

How many women get told they are lucky the kids dad "babysits"/gets up in the night/pays the minimum support for the child vs how many men get told they are lucky if the kid Mum has the kids/gets up with them - and heaven forbid she would be in the position of paying support because that would make her crap apparently

If a kid is in a top too small or a nappy too big, or misses an appointment when with Dad it's all "oh silly Dad, what's he like" with a Mum it woukd be seen as neglectful.

I could go on and on and on, but, in short, you're wrong op.

I think rather than praise there’s more discussion about the inequality women face with having to the majority share of childcare and housework and also work. My husband and I are 50/50 everything (not always at the same time but on average). But I’d say that I can moan
to my friends about how hard the struggle is and they’d understand - my husbands friends would
look puzzled!

When mothers juggle work and kids, it’s applauded. When fathers do, it’s expected.

Exactly, that’s the double standard I was trying to highlight. Women are expected to do it all without praise, while dads get kudos for stepping in even occasionally.

You're saying exactly the opposite in those 2 statements

That’s definitely not what you said! You said women get praised for juggling it all but men don’t!

Might be just in my social circle but I have never ever met a dad who takes on the same mental load as a mum.

I’ll agree with you for the dads that DO put in the work, OP.

My DH puts in an enormous amount of work with our twins. He took 6 months (solo) parental leave. He does every morning school run. He covers the majority of sick days, dental and doctors appointments because he works locally and I don’t. He did endless night wakes when they were babies.

The difference is that he doesn’t have any male peers to talk to about how stressful and tiring it is. I can yak away to my friends who are mothers about the hardships and stressors. His male bosses/colleagues don’t get it and he doesn’t get the same parent connection with his female bosses/colleagues.

So yeah. I think he feels much more alone in it than I do. I praise him so much, and a big reward is that his relationship with our children is wonderful. But social connection about it matters too.

I do not know one SINGIE working dad who hasnt either got himself another partner who now does all the running around so he doesn’t have to adjust his work life, or he gets mummy to do the running around for him, again so he doesn’t have to adjust his wirk life.

I've rarely seen a man juggle kids and a job.....in my experience it's the mothers who have to sacrifice their jobs and finances to make sure the kids are looked after.

Also 100% of the families I know the mothers sort out all the school uniform, clothes, shoes, birthday parties and gifts, book lunches, book kids hair cuts, dentists etc.

In my experience, working mums get judged, especially if they work full time.

I've certainly never experienced any sympathy. I'm selfish, materialistic and shouldn't have had DC at all because I work full time.

DH has never had that.

That will be because in most cases men aren't juggling. They are carrying on as before while their wife/partner/GF picks up the childcare and home as well as going back to work. So there is nothing to give these men sympathy for. I know some do their share but far more don't.

The fact that “working mum” is even an expression whereas “working dad” isn’t says a lot.

You are kidding. The vast majority of households headed by a single adult are headed by women. In general, society expects much more of women than it does of men. Women are judged more harshly than men. So no, women don’t get more sympathy.

When i was a SAHM I was expected to keep the house clean and have dinner on the table every night. Not just by my partner (now ex) , I even had his mother and sister sit me down and tell me so.

My ex didn't lift a finger around the house because he was working all day/week 🙄

When my ex was made redundant and roles were reversed I was still expected to clean the house, cook dinner AND work. While he sat on his ass all day. Not one person sat him down and told him he needed to clean or cook.

You'll notice he is now an ex.

You are being very unreasonable!

No. My DH worked part-time for a few years and looked after house and kids while I worked up to 98 hour weeks while studying for professional exams. He got so much admiration and praise for juggling!

When we switched roles back again, no one went on about how wonderful it was that I could work and look after house and kids ( while still working and continuing to sit professional exams).

Dear OP. In a simple terms, you are wrong. You are also clearly a man and therefore never had any intention of accepting the view point of a group of women. I am sure there is a corner of the internet somewhere that supports your views. But this isn’t it.