Unexpected visits

[hennypenny12]

I have an 18 year old DC and so does my DP. Mine has always had a set contact schedule with their Dad, DP’s has not. They used to go every weekend, all school holidays and some weeknights. As they’d got older it’s been a bit more ad hoc with no set schedule.

My DC is going to university in a few weeks, DP’s is not. We’ve been together a number of years now and we’ve started talking about living together.

However, I’m not sure I’d be able to anytime soon. I like DP’s DC, we’ve always got on well. But since they have passed their driving test they turn up at DP’s at all random times.

My DP doesn’t see an issue with this, it’s his child and they have always lived between two homes. That’s what works for them and that’s great. I have never lived that way with my DC, I always knew when I had them and when I didn’t, in advance.

I stayed at DP’s the other day, I went to the bathroom in the middle of the night and was scared shitless by a figure on the landing - DP’s DC had decided to stay and hadn’t let DP know. Another example, I’d gone round to DP’s and made us some dinner - his DC turned up right as I was dishing up, asked for some, which meant we had to have tiny portions. They hadn’t let DP know they were coming back. They stay on average 3 or 4 nights a week but does just turn up each time.

Again, this is what works for DP and his DC and that I don’t want to interfere with. However, I genuinely don’t think I’d be able to deal with this if we lived together. I have absolutely no idea how to bring this up with DP without sounding like I don’t like his DC, which isn’t true at all.

Am I being really unreasonable? I’ve always loved routine and structure and just don’t think I could cope with this.

(Also, re the title - I know they aren’t ‘visiting’ their Dad but I didn’t know what else to call it!).

My children don’t make an appointment to visit.
they just call in.
i think YABU. It’s his child and it nice he want to spend time with him.

@sciaticafanaticaI didn’t mean they needed an appointment, more of a heads up if we were living together.

And if that’s unreasonable then it’s probably best me and DP don’t move in together!

I think you just need some basic, courteous house rules.
Ask them to message if they want dinner or not so you can make sure there's enough/nothing goes to waste.
And message if they'll be staying over- basically safety surely, what if there was a fire, for example and you hadn't known he was there to rouse him?

Do you own your own property? Don't give up your asset to live with a boyfriend, just enjoy dating without involving house chores and each others kids.

At least warn you before arrival, even if it is only an hour beforehand.

I think kids can turn up whenever, but as an older teenager it’s reasonable to give you a heads up if they’re going to be there for dinner or plan to stay over. In saying that my kids move freely between my house and their dads, they’re younger but of an age where they can choose.

It may be you need to wait to move in if it’s going to bother you.

Don't live together until his adult children have definitely flown the nest. They're his family, not yours, and I wouldn't be comfortable with people just landing in on top of me. No, no, no. Save your sanity and just don't go there.
Just live apart and keep it nice and peaceful as it is.

If you’re looking for the structure you have with your own DC then moving in together might not work for you yet.
My DC pops in whenever he wants when he’s home from Uni, but this is his home so why shouldn’t he. I do know his shifts at work so I’m aware of when he’s out and I have the house to myself. If he wants me to cook dinner for him then he lets me know.
Communication is important. If he didn’t want dinner then turned up hungry, he’s perfectly capable of cooking for himself, he’s not a child.
It does feel like it’s the communication that’s missing with your partner and his DC. So a bit more of this would be respectful, but that’s for him to decide and discuss.

I don't think this is something you can bring up with DP tbh OP, and certainly not with the expectation that anything will change. This is the set up/relationship he has with his DC and there would be no winners if you asked him to change that on your behalf. His DC (and quite possibly DP also) would resent you and you would have to live with that resentment, it would be unpleasant for everyone.

So I think you have to accept that this is a major incompatibility with DP and that living together (at least at this stage) isn't an option for you. It wouldn't be for me either fwiw so no judgement here, I just don't think you can ask him to fundamentally change the arrangement he has with his DC. It may well naturally change as DC gets older of course but whether you hang around for that possibility has to be your choice.

My kids aren't that age yet but honestly there is no winning for you by bringing this up. Kids and young adults are spontaneous creatures... if you put in to many rules and they start seeing their dad less as they don't plan in advance he will resent you for it, I would if it was me. He sounds like a good dad.

The best way around this is to change your mindset. Just be aware if you are at his, there is probably another adult in the house. There is no world where my 18 year old would have to call to check it was ok if they came back to their house.

@hennypenny12 don’t move in together, it’s such a key difference you will end up resentful. Neither of you is wrong - just different.

Given how you feel, I think you are right, just don’t move in together.

It doesn’t have to be about who’s right or wrong, it’s just an incompatibility issue.

YBU but you don’t have to move in together if that’s not how you want to live

OP, this is a YOU problem. Either get over it, or don't move in.

Slightly different as my DS lives at home with us (both parents), but we have general house rules if he needs to let me know if he’s in for dinner or not and he needs to let us know if anyone else is in the house with him (ie gf or friends). This isn’t anything to do with not wanting them there, just common courtesy of knowing who is around.

I'm married to my DH, have children from my first marriage, DH and I are about to have a baby together and I'd STILL never allow him to dictate when or how my existing children spend time in their home with me.

Not ever.

You're better of leaving.

I couldn't live this way. Yanbu at all

In the dinner example, I would have said, sorry I'm starving and can't share, and expected dp to share/give up his portion for his child. Don't be too nice @hennypenny12 . Women don't get anywhere by being too nice.

You recognise this is your issue neither side is unreasonable you just have different set ups. If I felt how you did I wouldn't move in your dp is not going to tell his child they need to suddenly give notice and it wont do anything positive for your relationship with partners child

It sounds like it works for your DP and his children - my adult children all have a key and come round anytime and I'm happy with that. If it doesn't work for you, then I'd suggest you don't move in together.

I prefer structure and I don't think it would be unreasonable to discuss this with your DP, if you moving in together is a priority for you.
However, you'd be unreasonable to expect the change iyswim.

Don’t give up a secure and lifelong home for something that isn’t.

Technically, you are the visitor as this is the lads home.

I think you can ask for a heads up if they want dinner so you can both make sure there’s enough. Other than that YABU