Unexpected visits

[hennypenny12]

I have an 18 year old DC and so does my DP. Mine has always had a set contact schedule with their Dad, DP’s has not. They used to go every weekend, all school holidays and some weeknights. As they’d got older it’s been a bit more ad hoc with no set schedule.

My DC is going to university in a few weeks, DP’s is not. We’ve been together a number of years now and we’ve started talking about living together.

However, I’m not sure I’d be able to anytime soon. I like DP’s DC, we’ve always got on well. But since they have passed their driving test they turn up at DP’s at all random times.

My DP doesn’t see an issue with this, it’s his child and they have always lived between two homes. That’s what works for them and that’s great. I have never lived that way with my DC, I always knew when I had them and when I didn’t, in advance.

I stayed at DP’s the other day, I went to the bathroom in the middle of the night and was scared shitless by a figure on the landing - DP’s DC had decided to stay and hadn’t let DP know. Another example, I’d gone round to DP’s and made us some dinner - his DC turned up right as I was dishing up, asked for some, which meant we had to have tiny portions. They hadn’t let DP know they were coming back. They stay on average 3 or 4 nights a week but does just turn up each time.

Again, this is what works for DP and his DC and that I don’t want to interfere with. However, I genuinely don’t think I’d be able to deal with this if we lived together. I have absolutely no idea how to bring this up with DP without sounding like I don’t like his DC, which isn’t true at all.

Am I being really unreasonable? I’ve always loved routine and structure and just don’t think I could cope with this.

(Also, re the title - I know they aren’t ‘visiting’ their Dad but I didn’t know what else to call it!).

YANBU. What if you wanted to have sex on the kitchen table and his dc comes in? Or you would like to walk around naked in the house? OK, I've never had sex on a kitchen table nor do I walk around naked but I feel that in your home where no children are currently living you should be able to feel free. It's courtesy to let someone know you're coming by. Maybe DP can say this to his dc: " hennypenny12 likes to walk around naked in the house so please let me know if you are dropping by so I can tell her to get some clothes on".

I’d just carry on as you are, living separately and revisit in a few years, when hopefully his DC has moved into their own place and is more settled. It’s only going to cause resentment if you move in too soon, and start complaining about what times his DC has can come and go in his own place.

I used to turn up to my dad’s unannounced all the time, but when he moved in with my step mum I stopped. I always let her know when we’re dropping by (don’t bother texting him because he never checks his phone). At the end of the day as much as I love her and she loves me it’s her home and I’m not her child. A quick call or text is polite and it’s not hard to do - so you’re not unreasonable to ask, but he might say no and then you need to really think long and hard if you want to move in.

I think you're thinking of it as moving in with DP and having a regular intruder. One could argue it's more akin to moving in with DP and his 19 year old, who is out a lot. He is not an unexpected visitor, he lives there albeit part time.

If you don't want to move in with them both then don't. You don't need to justify that to anyone. But this idea that he would be an unwanted intruder into your space is not very helpful. It's his home - he just happens to have another one too.

I don’t think you can bring it up. I’d be really offended if somebody complained about my kids coming in whenever they want. Even as an adult I had a key to my parents house and could drop in when I wanted. To be fair, I would normally say I was dropping in beforehand but it wouldn’t have been a problem if I didn’t.

I would not be living together on this basis.

I think I agree with you here.
It probably WILL feel unreasonable to them, as that’s just not how they operate. So, yes, don’t move in!

On a purely practical note, if your dd gets anything over the minimum student loan then you moving in with a partner will impact her student loan.

Why not enjoy it for what it is now and revisit in a few years. You could start to text the ds a few hours before preparing food and ask if he wants any, that is what we do here.

The lads lives there, to quote the OP - it’s his child and they have always lived between two homes. Why would he need to call or text to say he is going home?

This makes me so sad. Imagine being 18 (so young) in a household with your own two parents that stayed together, own home, no one cares if you come and go, because you are literally just 18.

Now try and replicate that for a young person who does not have that luxury.

But your child won't stay on a routine forever, tbh i am surprised they still are .

Definitely do not move in if you don't like this, it is completely your choice.

I wouldn't have shared my dinner, I would have said I'm sorry you didn't say you wanted to have dinner, but help yourself to .... I keep pasta and sauce/jacket potato (you can bake and freeze) pizzas for exactly this situation.

I think you are being really unreasonable except for letting you know if they want dinner or not ahead of time. They are not a visitor, they have 2 homes and I think it's normal at that age to not know if they are coming home or not. If you want to wait until they have their own home to move in, thats cool but I don't think you can expect him to change being open to his child coming home whenever they like.

Don’t live together till all kids have flown the coop and if having a date night have it at yours. It’s lovely his DC feel happy with dad they can just drop in but I couldn’t handle the unknown either so until DC has their own home then don’t live together

It isn’t the ops home, its his childs home.

I would feel the same way as you OP, and would conclude that my moving in would do nobody any good!

I would give it another couple of years before you move in together, and I would work on the assumption that DC is always at DP’s house as a starting point.

In terms of meals, I would just always cook for 3 at DP’s house. The extra portion is for DC if they are there, or for your lunch the next day if they aren’t.

In this day and age when we are all so connected, it strikes me as plain rude and entitled that you wouldn't let someone know you are arriving and expecting to be hosted and accommodated.

It wouldn't do for me at all and I would stay away until this situation is over.

If you can’t handle the unexpected visits then you just don’t live together.

Surely a child is entitled to turn up at one of the homes they live at? His parent is happy with this arrangement. It’s not like turning up at a friends unannounced expecting to be fed and watered