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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

It’s a stepparenting and inheritance one

36 replies

ClawsMcGaws · 22/08/2025 23:55

Basic history: unmarried, he has children from first marriage, we have one together.

He has a very significant inheritance coming later in life but currently nothing in the bank. I have paid for our deposit, I have scant savings and a higher salary, but I’ll get slim to no inheritance. SC will inherit from their mother; our child won’t get much from my family but I hope to provide. DP and I own a mortgaged house (90% ownership to me, because he has previously crossed the line with cheating) and currently split bills 50/50. In the past I’ve paid significantly more, he didn’t contribute to maternity leave, etc.

He wants to get married now, split the housing deeds 50/50 and pay proportionate to earnings. I don’t feel that’s protecting myself and my child. AIBU?

OP posts:
KrisAkabusi · 23/08/2025 00:00

I bet he does!!

FFS.

Hoardasurass · 23/08/2025 00:02

Don't do it

Original poster
ClawsMcGaws · 23/08/2025 00:06

Right now it feels like me and our child have everything to lose. From his perspective he wants to “be a family” but that means my money going to SC, and if we split before he inherita, me losing out.

OP posts:
arethereanyleftatall · 23/08/2025 00:08

There doesn’t seem to be very much to like about this man op.

ImGoingUpstairsToTakeOffMyHat · 23/08/2025 00:10

TBH I’d just dump him.

Cheating AND trying to nab your money?

Fuck that

Original poster
ClawsMcGaws · 23/08/2025 00:11

I guess what clouds my judgement is that when he inherits, I’d be significantly better off if we later split. But that seems very mercenary and I am financially capable of taking care of myself.

I’d love to be married but the cheating makes me feel I can’t fully trust him.

OP posts:
Sunnyxo · 23/08/2025 00:17

I think marry if you wish to and the romantic sentiment and right reasons are there, but maintain the housing as is with a prenup, I would explain to him given the previous cheating actions you’re being realistic and practical in worse case scenario. On the flip side though, you could argue should you be marrying one another if there’s the above aspect of not wanting to be equal and the trust not fully there, it’s a difficult one.

Original poster
ClawsMcGaws · 23/08/2025 00:19

Sunnyxo · 23/08/2025 00:17

I think marry if you wish to and the romantic sentiment and right reasons are there, but maintain the housing as is with a prenup, I would explain to him given the previous cheating actions you’re being realistic and practical in worse case scenario. On the flip side though, you could argue should you be marrying one another if there’s the above aspect of not wanting to be equal and the trust not fully there, it’s a difficult one.

I don’t think prenups are legally binding in the UK, unfortunately.

OP posts:
Thedogscollar · 23/08/2025 00:19

For the cheating alone I'd be out of that relationship.

iamnotalemon · 23/08/2025 00:22

sorry, what does you owning 90% and him cheating have anything to do with it, or has he given you a higher percentage as an apology?

SpikeGilesSandwich · 23/08/2025 00:22

Definitely trust your gut and protect the interests of your child, whatever you decide, that should come first.

NImumconfused · 23/08/2025 00:23

Inheritances are not automatically included as part of the marital assets though, so he could potentially exclude that from divorce proceedings.

If your relationship was otherwise really good, I might think differently but if he's already cheated, the odds are not in your favour unfortunately, and you have much more to lose than him if you marry and then divorce (ie 40% of the house he hasn't paid for).

Original poster
ClawsMcGaws · 23/08/2025 00:23

The cheating wasn’t physical and it was when I was postpartum and hormonal. so I feel very conflicted about breaking up our child’s family, and SC’s security, over it. But it has made me feel I can’t trust him hence my deposit is fully protected as is 90% of the house’s equity.

I would like to be married to my child’s father, though.

OP posts:
tsmainsqueeze · 23/08/2025 00:25

ClawsMcGaws · 23/08/2025 00:11

I guess what clouds my judgement is that when he inherits, I’d be significantly better off if we later split. But that seems very mercenary and I am financially capable of taking care of myself.

I’d love to be married but the cheating makes me feel I can’t fully trust him.

Too right you can't trust him !

Vaxtable · 23/08/2025 00:27

You don’t trust him, that says it all so don’t marry him

There is nothing to stop him making a will and leaving some of the inheritance to you/your child as well as his other children

I would not be giving up my 90% ownership of the house unless he coughs up the 40% to you first in hard cash

Original poster
ClawsMcGaws · 23/08/2025 00:27

iamnotalemon · 23/08/2025 00:22

sorry, what does you owning 90% and him cheating have anything to do with it, or has he given you a higher percentage as an apology?

We were in the process of buying when it came to light. I paid all of the deposit and at the time was paying the vast majority of all our bills.

At present he pays 50/50 of all the bills including mortgage so he is contributing to my asset. But he’s not paying more than he’d pay to rent an equivalent property with bedrooms for his children.

OP posts:
Namenamchange · 23/08/2025 00:35

Where is the inheritance coming from? If coming for family, it could easily get used for care fees.

I don’t even think the step children and inheritance is anything to worry about at the moment, I’d be more concern with handing over 50 % of my home and security to another person.

owlyboo · 23/08/2025 00:36

i Wouldn’t give up your assets. If anything have something drank up to protect the deposit you put into the house before going 50/50

Original poster
ClawsMcGaws · 23/08/2025 00:43

owlyboo · 23/08/2025 00:36

i Wouldn’t give up your assets. If anything have something drank up to protect the deposit you put into the house before going 50/50

I don’t believe that’s possible if married.

OP posts:
CrispieCake · 23/08/2025 00:44

I am not a lawyer, but I'm not sure inheritances are necessarily treated as matrimonial assets and split on divorce.

So if you married and then divorced, he might get half the house and any savings from your salary without you being entitled to half the inheritance.

I wouldn't risk it. Better to preserve your financial independence.

Original poster
ClawsMcGaws · 23/08/2025 00:45

Namenamchange · 23/08/2025 00:35

Where is the inheritance coming from? If coming for family, it could easily get used for care fees.

I don’t even think the step children and inheritance is anything to worry about at the moment, I’d be more concern with handing over 50 % of my home and security to another person.

Edited

Family, but the way it’s written in trusts means it’s protected. It’ll be passed on to future generations, including our child. I don’t begrudge that at all but I want to ensure my personal assets go to my child, not him and then split between all of his children.

I think staying unmarried is the best way for me. I’d always wanted to marry but I guess it’s not for me.

OP posts:
Original poster
ClawsMcGaws · 23/08/2025 00:46

Namenamchange · 23/08/2025 00:35

Where is the inheritance coming from? If coming for family, it could easily get used for care fees.

I don’t even think the step children and inheritance is anything to worry about at the moment, I’d be more concern with handing over 50 % of my home and security to another person.

Edited

Family, but the way it’s written in trusts means it’s protected. It’ll be passed on to future generations, including our child. I don’t begrudge that at all but I want to ensure my personal assets go to my child, not him and then split between all of his children.

I think staying unmarried is the best way for me. I’d always wanted to marry but I guess it’s not for me.

OP posts:
Seasonofthesticks · 23/08/2025 00:47

ClawsMcGaws · 23/08/2025 00:11

I guess what clouds my judgement is that when he inherits, I’d be significantly better off if we later split. But that seems very mercenary and I am financially capable of taking care of myself.

I’d love to be married but the cheating makes me feel I can’t fully trust him.

Why would you “love to be married” to a man who has cheated on you?

Original poster
ClawsMcGaws · 23/08/2025 00:48

Seasonofthesticks · 23/08/2025 00:47

Why would you “love to be married” to a man who has cheated on you?

Show quote history

Because he’s the father of my child, I guess. This wasn’t how I anticipated things working out when we planned to get pregnant.

OP posts:
OSTMusTisNT · 23/08/2025 00:51

Stay with him if you want but don't ever marry him.

His inheritance might never materialise anyway or even if it does, he could skip you and leave the lot to the kids leaving you with 50% of the house and forced to sell by the SC's.