It’s a stepparenting and inheritance one

[ClawsMcGaws]

Basic history: unmarried, he has children from first marriage, we have one together.

He has a very significant inheritance coming later in life but currently nothing in the bank. I have paid for our deposit, I have scant savings and a higher salary, but I’ll get slim to no inheritance. SC will inherit from their mother; our child won’t get much from my family but I hope to provide. DP and I own a mortgaged house (90% ownership to me, because he has previously crossed the line with cheating) and currently split bills 50/50. In the past I’ve paid significantly more, he didn’t contribute to maternity leave, etc.

He wants to get married now, split the housing deeds 50/50 and pay proportionate to earnings. I don’t feel that’s protecting myself and my child. AIBU?

@ClawsMcGawsi think you can have legal things drawn up but in the uk they’re not as binding as in say the us. But the legal document is taken into account in divorce.

but honestly being the father of your child isn’t enough. He has to be your person, not just the father of your children. If he cheated whilst you had just given birth I don’t think marriage is a good step

Then don’t marry. You would lose, not gain.

You paid all of the deposit and most of the bills at the time of house purchase; he earns way less than you and wants bill paying proportionally to be codified into your arrangement - even though he gave you fuck all for maternity when you were earning fuck all. Which is presumably why you have no savings. (Buy anything for the baby and ever since, has he?) He cheated when you'd just given birth, you seem convinced it wasn't physical but I hope you got yourself checked out anyway. Now he wants to get married? He's really done a number on you. Please leave now.

Obviously the cheating means you can never trust him. That’s not a feeling but a fact.

Just refuse to narry him until he comes into his inheritance snd agrees to put galf in your hands. He will refuse—which is what you suspect anyway—so you have your answer. What’s yours is his and what's his is his, in his eyes. Don’t be a fool.

You could have married him before you had a child together if it was that important to you. It seems strange this wasn't something you considered when it seemed important to you.

The inheritance may never arrive. My mum has just moved into care.
The only way I would countenance it if he is handing you cash for your deposit.

You can’t trust him. For me, that spells the end of the relationship.

What do you mean, ‘it wasn’t physical?’ How do you know? Was he dating someone else?

I think you really need to get some legal advice, because:

(a) you are unlikely to have any rights to his inheritance even if he gets it and you separate - married or not

(b) I'm assuming you have a formal legal written (by a solicitor) agreement that you get 90% of the house if you split? That could easily be overturned in Court if he can demonstrate that it was written when he was only contributing a small amount but this has now changed and he is contributing 50/50 now. This applies regardless of whether you are married or not.

I don't think your financial position is as safe as you think it is.

Getting married to someone who you don’t like or trust, simply because they provided the sperm, is a terrible decision.
’Breaking a family up’ when it’s not a family/partnership whatsoever is also nonsense.

you seem to have this ideal of a father and a family and you’re just pretending that this guy is it.

Agree with @DeathStare that you should definitely get legal advice, both to safeguard your financial position now, and to get full information about your situation if you marry.

I think there was a legal case recently which meant that pre-nups carry much more weight in the event of a split, but they must be drawn up properly.

You can set any property as tenants in common, where you set your ownership as whatever 90% of the deposit represents & 50/50 of the remaining balance.

So a £500k house, with a 100k deposit paid by you - gives you automatic ownership of 20% of the property in any circumstances- if it sells for 750k then you automatically have 20% of that 750k before any remaining equity is split.