To want my sister to have DD if the worst should happen?

[Bedtelly]

DH and I just cannot agree on who should take care of DD 3 if the worst should happen to both of us.

At first he said his parents but they're nearly 70 so I think that's a no go, my own Mum is 71 so I don't want her to have DD for the same reasons.

I think my sister, she is 2 years younger than me, we are best friends, she is very close to DD sees her all the time with DD having sleepovers at her house often. I would see my sister as the closest thing to me raising DD however as she is single and child free DH thinks she isn't suitable.

He therefore thinks his sister should have DD. We are not as close to her, she is a good Mum to her 2 kids but they're 20 and 15 so even though DH argues that my sister wouldn't be suitable as she doesn't have kids I feel like his sister is pretty much done with the young kids stage. She also has a boyfriend who we don't really know even though they have been together 3 years.

DH also has had a lot of issues with his sister over the years and questions some of her morals. I have had no such issues with my sister and would feel 100% confident in picking her.

How do we agree? Has anybody been in this situation?

You can write whatever you want and your will and he can't affect that. I would definitely put your sister down and give all the reasons for it and all the reasons why his sister isn't suitable as well. Let's hope it's never necessary but it is better to be prepared.

Have either of you talked to your respective sisters about this?

Sorry yes, missed that out of OP. We have spoken to them both and have both said they would want DD.

It’s a really tricky one because we are of course always going to trust our own sibling over our partner’s sibling. You say ‘WE are closer’ to your sister but yet he’d still actually want his DD to be raised by his own sister.

I personally think his sister would be better if the worst happened. If she has said she would want to care for your DD it sounds like she could actually give her full attention to her. Plus she actually has experience of raising a child.

your sister could potentially have her own family at some point and your DD would naturally not come first. It would be awful for your poor DD to be pushed out by a brand new baby. It sounds his his sister could give your DD her full attention.

Maybe but she has always had 50/50 custody with her ex so she's never had the kids full time and she now has a boyfriend and is still only 40 herself. I see where you're coming from it's just really my gut feeling that's it's not for the best.

I agree with what you say about my sister though and that is one of DHs concerns.

Also the we includes DD who is without question a lot closer to my sister.

Wouldn't it be more down to who social services thinks would be more suitable?

If the worst did happen, one or both of them might not be in a position at that particular time to look after your DC.

Just don’t nominate anyone.

In the highly unlikely event that you both die at the same time, everyone’s circumstances will be different to how they are now, everyone will have an opinion which may not be the same as they say to you now, family doesn’t get to decide amongst themselves without social services’ involvement.

This is one of those arguments that people seem to have that, in my opinion, are largely irrelevant and unnecessary.

I'll be honest I had assumed that barring extreme circumstances then the parents wishes in the will would be honoured however we haven't got to a stage of seeing a solicitor yet as it's still in the conversation stage.

Would social services be involved though? If there is a will?

Yes, they obviously need to check everything out.

Suitable accommodation
Finances
Whether the person still wants to look after the DC
Whether they're physically and mentally capable
Criminal records
And what the children want will also be considered in an age appropriate way.

Not the case. Speak to a solicitor. Any nominated person can decline to take on children for any or no reason.

just put your wishes in your own will so in the very unlikely case this situation arises there would be a record of your preference.

The solicitor will tell you it's not legally binding.

But it is however really helpful to the authorities when deciding what's best for the DC.

I mean you can write down whatever you want but the reality is that you can’t just hand over parental responsibility to whomever takes your fancy as the local authority would get involved and make assessments

Family Court has the final decision and (as their decision is based solely on the child's best interests) can overrule the will, although it would be taken into account.

What I'd add is that the decision would probably become clearer anyway as your child gets older. In a few short years her own opinion would be heavily weighted and you might anyway find she is naturally closer to one aunt than the other, or that she would suit a particular location because of school/friends rather than it being about the aunt themselves. Kids grow up quickly and the picture will change rapidly.

We haven't picked a specific sister, no reason you should either.You're very lucky to have two good candidates. So leave it with both as options and in the highly unlikely event that both you and your DH die let the relevant authorities decide.

Its a difficult one. We didn't have anyone suitable - definitely wouldn't have wanted BIL and SIL, and I felt close friends had too much on their plate, parents too old...
So we didn't have anything legally drawn up. DC are now adults so could hopefully look after themselves.

Not really. Anyone can say no even if they said yes earlier. It is a huge thing to take on, and it might not be practical for someone even if they desperately want to do it.

We went with a time staged approach. GPs when the children were very young, moving over to auntie and uncle as the children grow into teens and our siblings settled down, start their own families etc. But mainly it's who do you trust to weigh up who is best placed to take care of her at that point in their lives, and decide in her interest rather than their own?Ultimately you'd want the family to come together round the child and decide what is in the child's best interests at the time. There may be factors you don't yet know about, eg child will later develop a serious competitive ice skating career and one of your sisters lives next door to an ice rink, or one sister is well and the other ill and going through a nasty divorce.

who We have thought is the best person to raise dd has changed with time. You may discover that as your child grows, the personal bond your child has with a particular aunt develops independent of your own relationship. It’s also possible that just based upon your child’s personality, one relative might have a better parenting style over another.

If neither of you is thrilled with the boyfriend, that is a huge reason not to list that sister as the first choice.

what I would do is agree to revisit the issue periodically. As life changes, you can always reorder your preference list.

What about putting in your will that you want your sister and his sister to decide between them who is in a better position at the time, should the worst happen?

You can state that your preference is your sister and he his, but ultimately what you want is the person in the best position, and why is willing at the time, to take her in.

We did the same as @CarolineKnappShappeyShipwright. I’m an only so we asked two of DH’s siblings if they’d be happy to be listed as potential guardians.

Their situations have changed over time so we’ve updated the potential guardians a couple of times-luckily DH is from a large family!

@Bedtelly I do appreciate your concerns about your SIL’s bf whom you don’t know. One of DH’s sisters married someone whose judgement we couldn’t trust so we had to remove her as a potential guardian.

SS wouldn’t get involved normally (unless they had to for a reason), they child would go to who was named in the will, if someone was named (and assuming that person then didn’t decline to have the child).

Yes. Most couples die in car accidents. It's often the case that one will live for a while afterwards. So the child isn't picked up from school etc and SS have to be informed. This is were living wills come into play. Ehoever the oarents want should have a copy of that. SS will want continuity, so whoever can provide that, is known best to the child and the child has an obvious attachment to, will be approved. Then another relative pops up. The challenge gets taken to court and residency/kinship care approved. If that is before other legal matters are settled, then it will be temporary and another hearing set. The family court will always be involved.

The "she has actually had experience of raising a child" argumentndoesn't make any sense. Op and her dh didn't have any experience of raising a child until they had their dd. Like all first time parents.

Op just write "in the event of our deaths custody of our daughter should go to either dhsis or mysis".

It sounds like if your dsis wasn't able to have her then you agree dh sis would be the next best choice so it's not as though you're throwing her to the wolves.

Once dd gets a bit older you could even ask her, and can evaluate every few years- e.g. if your dsis has kids and realised she doesn't have capacity for another, either of them move away or become ill, etc.

I agree with you that both sets of parents are too old to be nominated.

Circumstances change over time, and so having two options for guardians is a real positive. I would nominate both sisters, and if the worst happened, allow them to discuss between themselves.

Don't travel in cars together to reduce risk of this.