To want my sister to have DD if the worst should happen?

[Bedtelly]

DH and I just cannot agree on who should take care of DD 3 if the worst should happen to both of us.

At first he said his parents but they're nearly 70 so I think that's a no go, my own Mum is 71 so I don't want her to have DD for the same reasons.

I think my sister, she is 2 years younger than me, we are best friends, she is very close to DD sees her all the time with DD having sleepovers at her house often. I would see my sister as the closest thing to me raising DD however as she is single and child free DH thinks she isn't suitable.

He therefore thinks his sister should have DD. We are not as close to her, she is a good Mum to her 2 kids but they're 20 and 15 so even though DH argues that my sister wouldn't be suitable as she doesn't have kids I feel like his sister is pretty much done with the young kids stage. She also has a boyfriend who we don't really know even though they have been together 3 years.

DH also has had a lot of issues with his sister over the years and questions some of her morals. I have had no such issues with my sister and would feel 100% confident in picking her.

How do we agree? Has anybody been in this situation?

Have you actually asked either sister? One or both of them may not want the responsibility

If the worst happened to my sister, I would want to have her children. Regardless of if I’m single etc.

Surely you speak to them both and ask them? I mean, they probably have their own thoughts on this...

My children are 26 and 19 and neither are at home anymore. So I wouldn't be too impressed if my brother nominated me to have my 13 year old niece without any consultation beforehand!

A 3 year old? I'd definitely want to be consulted before it was written into a Will!

I would insist on my sister. Particularly if your DH has has issues with his own. Being single does not mean she can’t look after your child

I'm in my sister's will for her sons, and would gladly take them, but I would need the support of her in laws, who do more care of them than I do (but would be quite old to be caring for two young boys full time).

I would write that you'd like either sister to take them on, but include a personal letter to both sisters explaining that you'd like them to be very involved in caring for and raising your child regardless of who is primary carer?

We have similar arguments here. In reality my parents are the best choice, DH’s sister would be the best choice if she didn’t live halfway across the world! But she does and it would uproot DS’ life too much.

My DBro asked me to take his son in the scenario but as awful as it sounds DNephew have very severe SEN requiring a high level of care that I’m not able to give due to my own illness, and if the worst were to happen I don’t think I could safely look after him.

If DD had just lost her parents then I think it would be in her best interests to live with the person she has the closest relationship with.

We couldn't agree on this either. DP wanted her sister, I wanted my brother and SIL. So we both put all of them in their wills. In the end, you're not really nominating who you want your kid to live with, but who you want to make the decisions about your child's life.

We both trusted each others families to make the best decisions for DD, just disagreed on who'd be able to give her the better life, so we essentially decided to take that decision out of our hands. If we'd died, my brother and SIL would have discussed, with age appropriate input from DD, and made the decision that made sense at the time

If we'd died when DD was little, then my brother would probably have ended up taking her, as SIL wasn't in a great financial position, and had caring responsibilities for and elderly relative. If we'd died when DD was older, DD would likely have ended up staying with SIL, as my brother lives half the country away and DD wouldn't have wanted to uproot her life in our home town.

DD turns 18 in a couple of months, so luckily never had to find out what would have happened in reality.

Not true.

SS wouldn't allow that to happen without background checks.

And if those checks were ok and the kids were happy to go to that person, there would still be many settling in meetings after that.

I was speaking to someone this morning actually who was in a fairly similar position.

OP, I can't help with the choice between your sister and sister in law but you do need to know that testamentary guardians acquire Parental Responsibility upon the death of both parents. (Contrary to what some PP have said.)

This means that the TG makes decisions for the child as if they were the parent. Only if the TG is making poor decisions or needs help from Social Services would a SW become involved.

You & partner could name different TG in your wills but then the outcome in the event you and your child's father died is that the instructions given in the will of the second person to die are followed.

If you both name both sisters they will share PR. In that case, the aunts will need to agree what is in your child's best interests at the time of your demise - leaving them the flexibility to do what is best for the child at that time depending on all the circumstances. If the aunts cannot agree the family court will decide.

How old is the kid in all this? You asked her who she wants to live with if her mum and dad were killed??

Have you included funds to cover the costs of raising your child too?

@carrotcakeagain is right. Make sure that you have decent life insurance too.

Yeah just for info we are pretty comfortable and have good life insurance so that would be covered. Unless circumstances drastically change in which case we would need to think again.

What do settling in meetings mean in this context? If both parents died the child would straight away go and live with whoever was in the will or other family members, they wouldn't be taken into foster care with strangers if there were family members happy to look after her.
The family court would presumably be involved in due course to establish who would have legal responsibility.

What a waste of an argument!!

None of them sound suitable at this moment. Just put "a close family member" in the will and update as needed.