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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not let ds13 out at night?

32 replies

Mmmteeenywene · 22/08/2025 22:22

Apologies, i posted in parenting earlier, but i would like more opinions than i got.
Ds13 had a sleepover at a friends house at the start of summer holidays and without prior conversation they stayed out til 11pm.
Now he asked to have a sleepover at this friends house again. His two other friends are going as well. He admitted the plan was to stay out again til late. 11pm or later.

I said no. I dont see why 13 (some of them still 12 in this friendship group) should stay out that late. Their plan was to hang out at a nearby playground and film videos. Friends patents allow this. He begged to stay over, and eventually I said he could stay til 10pm, but i would pick him up then. I just did pick him up from the playground and he is super upset. Crying the whole way home and telling me its the worst day of his life. They were having so much fun. His 3 other friends stayed. I don't know if their parents are aware they are out and not in the house. I feel bad for ds. Am i too strict?

OP posts:
Ohlifelife · 22/08/2025 22:27

No you are not too strict.
I would call that good parenting.

ClassicalQueen · 22/08/2025 22:32

It’s fine for them to stay at each others houses until that time but certainly not at a playground or walking the streets!

Jones3A · 22/08/2025 22:32

My son is not 13 for another 6m, and we live in a fairly sleepy village, and I would still do what you did.
I might try to arrange a way to collect him that minimised his embarrassment, if he was the only one leaving. Let him pretend he was tired and choosing to leave, etc

Hankunamatata · 22/08/2025 22:33

Yanbu. I would not be happy with that unless you live in a super quiet village in the middle of no where

Betty197 · 22/08/2025 22:33

Im with you 100%. My DD is just turning 13 and there is no way she’d be allowed in the park at that time of night. He’ll thank you for it when he’s older. I don’t care if I’m the « boring mum ». I’ve always told her I’ll do what’s right for her when she pushes back and if she doesn’t like it, tough. I have her best interests at heart and that she’ll thank me one day. We are very close but at the end of the day, we are her parents and can see danger when they don’t xx

Smartiepants79 · 22/08/2025 22:33

Hmm tricky.
What is the area like? Safe? Dodgy? How far from a safe house and adult would they be? How sensible are they as a group? I did similar at a similar age. Was not ever really at risk at the time.

user2848502016 · 22/08/2025 22:35

My DD is 14, I wouldn’t be happy about this either. Staying up late of course is expected but hanging out in a playground until 11pm is only going to lead to trouble

Pinkroom · 22/08/2025 22:35

We have a field/playground literally behind our house, I would let DS and group of friends hang around on there until around 10pm, but I would want them in after that. They're usually happy enough to come back and just hang around in the garden if they dont want to actually come inside.
Saying that, in your situation I dont think I would go and pick him up and would probably let it go for that one night but explain its not a regular occurrence.

JoyDivision79 · 22/08/2025 22:37

No you are not strict.

Mine is 13. No way. Our area is rural. 9.30 on a very special occasion I have allowed ( exploring forest in the dark with friend).

I don't know any that would be ok with what you describe.

The crying over it sounds disproportionate. Because I can't believe many kids this age are allowed out in parks until 11 and he therefore feels incredibly hard done by.

His friends' parents are to me the anomoly, not you.

Cece92 · 22/08/2025 22:38

That’s far too late for 13! I was in my bed asleep at 11 at that age lol! My DD12 is in for 7-7.30 on school nights and 8 in the holidays but the dark nights I say no later than 6 if she’s close by. X

Original poster
Mmmteeenywene · 22/08/2025 22:40

We are in a town, so not London or anything. Its pretty safe ,but theres a pub diagonally across the street with a few people drinking outside and there are drugs, nicotin bag use, vape, alcohol etc about. Its not rough, but i see it daily..

OP posts:
Original poster
Mmmteeenywene · 22/08/2025 22:46

user2848502016 · 22/08/2025 22:35

My DD is 14, I wouldn’t be happy about this either. Staying up late of course is expected but hanging out in a playground until 11pm is only going to lead to trouble

I would have let him stay over if the plan wasnt staying out so late. If they were in the house by 10pm, i would have been ok with it. I know he was super embarrassed. His friends encouraged him to lie about where he is to be allowed to stay over. I heard this in a phone conversation. I just don't feel comfortable. I have no idea if the other parents know they're outside.

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BeautifulDayFor · 22/08/2025 22:47

We let our kids out to the park late at that age, but we live in an isolated rural, safe area, kids are outdoors a lot, camping and fishing and so on. I wouldn't if they were by themselves.

Original poster
Mmmteeenywene · 22/08/2025 22:56

BeautifulDayFor · 22/08/2025 22:47

We let our kids out to the park late at that age, but we live in an isolated rural, safe area, kids are outdoors a lot, camping and fishing and so on. I wouldn't if they were by themselves.

We are in a relatively safe area,but the boys were definitely not camping or fishing. Just hanging out at the playground in the middle of a concrete residential area in the dark.. ive let them (ds&other dc) stay up and outside with their cousins til past midnight this summer, but it was rural countryside and they were on the farm grounds at all times.. Its different..

OP posts:
Anothercoffeeafter3 · 22/08/2025 23:03

I wouldn’t let DS stay out unsupervised but also wouldn’t have picked him up. Would have likely been sat outside the pub with a coke until they went in.

PurpleThistle7 · 22/08/2025 23:06

I have a 12 year old daughter and she’s not out after dark without an adult. We live in a city and there’s plenty that goes on during the day, she’s just not ready to handle it at night. I am sure I’m on the stricter side as I see her dance friends walking home at 9pm when I pick her up so your story isn’t exactly surprising but I’m sure you’re right.

Original poster
Mmmteeenywene · 22/08/2025 23:18

Anothercoffeeafter3 · 22/08/2025 23:03

I wouldn’t let DS stay out unsupervised but also wouldn’t have picked him up. Would have likely been sat outside the pub with a coke until they went in.

Good idea, although i have a younger dc who i left home alone for 15 minutes to go pick dc13 up. Couldn't have stayed longer. I parent on ny own most of the time. Divorced. However ds's dad agreed with me about 10pm. He actually said no later than 9pm, but since he doesn't do the daily grind of parenthood, i get the last word...

OP posts:
paddyclampster · 23/08/2025 00:09

I’d have let him stay, given that he’s in a safe area!

You have to lengthen the apron strings sooner or later!

Original poster
Mmmteeenywene · 23/08/2025 09:03

Ds was super upset last night and he ended up not sleeping much, because when he is upset, he cant calm down enough to sleep. (he's adhd). Surprisingly though he seems ok this morning. In quite good spirits. Chatting to me about fossils etc that he's into.. Planning to go see a friend who lives next door as soon as he's awake and probably game together.. i think parenting is not easy. Its a fine line in between boundaries and freedom. I was a bad kid myself. Was out drinking at 13, lying to my parents where i was. They believed every lie i told them. I think they chose to, because it was easier that way than take interest. So, i guess i might be projecting a bit. Thats why asking orher opinions..

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Original poster
Mmmteeenywene · 23/08/2025 16:34

Don't know if anyone's on this thread anymore, but i found out the 3 boys that stayed behind last night were out til 1am. I did suspect something like that was up. Obviously mine and the boys parent's parenting styles dont really align. 13 is still young in my book. They shouldnt be out on the streets on a friday night. Its like training for later and later and eventually getting involved with the shananigans that happen after dark.

OP posts:
Dweetfidilove · 23/08/2025 16:39

You're not wrong. A 13 year old has no business out at 10, never mind 11pm. I'd ask him to rein in the drama too if he ever wanted to be outside again.

jeansgenie · 23/08/2025 16:45

I also wouldn't be happy. I think boys forget that men target anyone weaker than them when drunk, not just women and girls, and especially at night.

A group we know has got into smoking pot and drinking and sneaking out of houses in the dead of night. Terrifying for the parents but they seem to have no concept of the danger they put themselves in. I'd also worry about the damage to the growing brain and the increased likelihood of addiction proven from trying things at too young an age has.

jeansgenie · 23/08/2025 16:48

Mmmteeenywene · 23/08/2025 09:03

Ds was super upset last night and he ended up not sleeping much, because when he is upset, he cant calm down enough to sleep. (he's adhd). Surprisingly though he seems ok this morning. In quite good spirits. Chatting to me about fossils etc that he's into.. Planning to go see a friend who lives next door as soon as he's awake and probably game together.. i think parenting is not easy. Its a fine line in between boundaries and freedom. I was a bad kid myself. Was out drinking at 13, lying to my parents where i was. They believed every lie i told them. I think they chose to, because it was easier that way than take interest. So, i guess i might be projecting a bit. Thats why asking orher opinions..

I think the fact you are aware of this speaks volumes - you did it and presumably don't want the same for your son. I also used to drink, maybe 14 rather than 13, but I really wish I hadn't fallen in with that group and wish my parents had done more to guide me. I think it's important to remember that as a parent and do what you feel is best, rather than trying to be the cool parent.

youalright · 23/08/2025 16:53

Yanbu 11pm is ridiculous for 12/13 year olds. If something happened the first thing everyone would say is where's their parents, why are they out so late.

Original poster
Mmmteeenywene · 23/08/2025 16:57

youalright · 23/08/2025 16:53

Yanbu 11pm is ridiculous for 12/13 year olds. If something happened the first thing everyone would say is where's their parents, why are they out so late.

They stayed out til 1am after i picked ds up!

OP posts: