Telling my mil to back off

[RubberPlantPotStand]

My mil is a lovely person. She has done nothing 'wrong'. But I am a fairly aloof, contained, non-touchy feely, private and quiet person, and she is a gushing, over-sharing, hugging chatterbox and it's reaching the point where I can't stand to be in her company.

My husband adores her. Rightly. She's his mum. But when we go and visit he sits on the couch on his phone and I'm left to field her for a couple of hours, and it feels like running a gauntlet. It exhausts me. I'm pretty certain I'm neurodivergent, and I find her extremely over-stimulating. I don't like to be touched really, and she's always linking arms or hugging me, or stroking me. She reminds me of my son when he was a toddler. Magnetically drawn to touch me. She tells me she loves me over and over again, and asks insanely probing questions on anything from my weight to the state of my relationship with her son.

When we're not with her, she emails all the time - maybe twice a week - asking when she will see us, and her emails are full of declarations of love and always have at least 40 kisses at the end. If my husband is away, she makes a point of calling me to make sure I'm ok on my own and I'm not missing him too much. 'Are you missing him dreadfully, Rubber...? I bet you're counting the hours down until he's home'. Well, no. I love him very much but we are both grown adults. I never, ever miss him when he's away. I'm always really happy to see him when he comes home, and enjoy reconnecting into the rhythm of our shared life. This feels healthy to me.

I know. None of these things are crimes. What ridiculous things to moan about. But she really gets under my skin, because we are just polar opposites in temperament. And while I can sit and make polite small talk with anyone regardless of my own social discomfort, I REALLY struggle with her because all she talks about is love and feelings and how much she loves her family and how she feels about us. I find it really overwhelming.

My husband knows I feel this way, and understands to a degree. Though he does keep saying, you're the only person I've ever met who doesn't like my mum. Everyone likes my mum. And it's so hard to explain that it isn't that I don't like her - there's nothing not to like - but she breaches every single one of my boundaries without knowing it, over and over again, and I find spending any length of time with her utterly exhausting. That's the only word for it - she doesn't just drain my social battery, the energy it takes to not run away from her wipes me out. I should probably say at this point that my upbringing wasn't brilliant and my relationship with my mother is very complicated, and I find being 'mothered' utterly repulsive.

He says I should just tell her that I don't like being fussed over. But she's 87. Fussing is her style, she's old, I don't want to upset her, and I'm not sure she's capable of changing.

Can anyone think of a way of phrasing it that doesn't make me sound like a nutter, or make her feel terrible? I obviously do not stop my husband seeing her, and he's made it clear I don't have to accompany him every time, but I know she loves 'family' and having us all together and it's reaching the point where I absolutely dread going to see her. I have told her before that I don't like being mothered, but I don't think she sees her behaviour as mothering. She just... loves you. Full bore. All the time. With very few alternative topics of conversation - she either talks about herself, or love and feelings.

How can I make it stop so the last few years of her life are spent with a dil who isn't recoiling inside all the time? My dh suggested that they move into the house next door to ours the other day, when it was up for sale. My insides went through the floor. But she doesn't have a daughter or another dil. I'm it for any kind of more personal care as she gets older and less independent, and right now she freaks me out.

Forget the emails etc
id be much more concerned about her moving next door when your DH, her son, doesn’t spend any time with her when she visits and leaves it all to you
ypu mustn’t become a default carer because you’re a woman
sort this expectation out right now

Your DH needs to get off his phone so that you’re not bearing the brunt of all the attention and therefore have more patience.

Honestly she’s 87 and a kind soul. I hear what you are saying but I’d try and accept her as she is. Your other half messing about on his phone and leaving you to her is have words with though!

The house has sold now, thankfully. I'm torn about trying to encourage them to move closer as they will need more and more help as they get older, and I'm really happy to give them all the practical support they need, the running around to appointments and taking them out to places so they still participate in life. They live a fair way away now and I fear that they will lose their health much faster when it comes to the time they can't easily leave the house, because their world will shrink to the downstairs of their house.

So I don't mind them being closer, and I can do all the practical bits. But not the emotional bits. If she was in my house emoting at me every day, I know that I would spend more and more time out of it. It makes me physically uncomfortable. I think it's the definition of 'the ick'.

It’s not something as easy as you make it sound. It’s like telling an autistic person to just accept ALL THE STIMULI THAT ARE CAUSING A MELTDOWN. It’s just not possible. I have adhd and am an introvert and even reading the OP makes me feel overwhelmed.

OP I understand. It’s an actual visceral reaction you have isn’t it. It’s not just a dislike. It’s like a screaming in your soul.

maybe say ‘Mil you are such a wonderful person and I’m so lucky to have you as my MIL but I need to communicate that I am someone who is very uncomfortable with extra physical contact. It must sound crazy to you but it really is difficult for me.

maybe if she could back off the touching you could tolerate the words a bit more.

and tel your dh ti get off the phone. He is really being totally unsupportive. Why is he not already doing this?

I think you're right that you're not going to be able to change her, but your DH nneds to step up. Sitting on his phone in his mums house is very rude apart from leaving you to take the full force of his mums affection.

I think you need to give yourself the odd day off too - maybe accompany your husband every second weekend, or 2 out of 3, then your husband will have to interact with his mum when you're not there.

Do your kids visit her, with you or seperately? It might help to spread it out among the family.

I'd be a bit wary too of them moving next door, unless your husband would step up, but it sounds as if you expect that you'd be responsible for her care.

You really don't have to be 'it' for any sort of personal care that she needs. She can pay for care or her own children can step up and pay for it if she can't.

I wouldn't expect my own children to provide personal care for me never mind their partners. It's a really unreasonable expectation.

She sounds utterly smothering. Forty kisses on an email is cloying and completely over the top. You say that she is lovely, but everything seems to be on her terms. You are not allowed to talk about anything that interests you, only what she wants to talk about.

Your husband seems quite detached from her so his mum has clung on to you. That's not fair and your DH needs to engage with her more, rather than leaving all the emotional labour to you.

Holy crap, she would drive me nuts.

First step. Just because she's all touchy feely doesn't mean the rest of the world is. She can keep her hands and everything else to herself. We learn that in kindergarten. If a couple nice requests to respect your personal space don't work, nuke her. Tell her to get off you. That's so rude to be all up on somebody especially when they're not liking it.

Second step. Learn the grey rock technique. Answer her with something innocuous or just change the subject. I don't know about there, but when people here ask overly personal questions and we look them in the eyes and say Nunya (as in none of your business), they back off. It's a signal they're being intrusive.

Why answer her calls? Just be busy. Send her emails to your overamped file.

Wear noise cancelling earplugs around her and nod a lot.

Now here's the biggest thing.

YOUR HUSBAND IS HER CONTACT POINT. NOT YOU.

If she moved next door to me, I would move. Seriously. I could not deal with her every day. My mental health would be tanked, I would be stressed and upset by her damn pawing and yakking about her feelings all the time.

I'm stressed just imaging it.

when we go and visit he sits on the couch on his phone

That’s just rude. Poor bloody woman.

Have you not voiced this to your DH? Like, stop encourager to move next door! Does he think you will (default wife work) take over her personal care when/of she becomes incapable? I’d be really clear that this t going to happen.

A colleague was extremely touchy/feely. She would put her hand on my knee when having a meeting. She grabbed my wrist as though I were a naughty runaway toddler in the corridor. I just spoke to her one day when she was doing the touchy/feely thing and said ‘H, I really don’t like being touched. I’m not going to run away, you don’t need to hold onto me.’ She stopped. I wasn’t offensive, just very factual and polite. Obviously a bit different when it’s ‘family’, but I think quite easy to resolve.

With respect to the million emails/kisses, are they to you or your Dh? She can contact him alone, he can tell her that. You don’t need to be involved.

I agree with the other posters that you need to make your husband the main point of contact and not you. Just because you are the daughter-in-law doesn’t mean you have to take on the traditional role and your husband can skirt around it.

My mother-in-law never ever ever stops talking. When we go to their house, my husband plays on his phone and it’s left to me to sit and nod for hours. In the end, I told him that I’m not listening to his mother and it’s his responsibility.

I generally just excuse myself and go for half an hour walk and leave him to it. There are quite polite ways of excusing yourself or being busy and leaving your husband to it. In my opinion, I deal with my family, and he deals with his family.

I think you need to have a chat with your husband. I also don’t think you both need to visit at the same time. He can go to see his mother as much as he wants without you.

No wonder your poor mil focuses so much on you! Speak to your Dh and tell him how rude he is, staring at his phone in company. 🤬

The poor woman. She’s being a loving MIL and you’re repulsed by her 😳 You also describe yourself as pretty repulsed by your own child?!? WTF. The problem is you, OP. Stop being so cold and miserable

Your DH needs to step up here. Physically get between you when she’s touching you and ask her to do it to him instead, in a kind way.

I would not direct this at her at all. You’re only seeing her cos she’s his mum.

im very chatty and outgoing but the gushing of love would make me curl up too. For the time you’re there tell yourself you’re doing a great service to a lonely old lady - I once used to pretend in my head I was a paid person delivering a service and it helped.

Have a clear expectation with your DH before you go in of what you want him to do when she behaves a certain way (ie stepping in) and be clear how long you’ll stay for so you know how long you’re enduring it.

I never said I was repulsed by my own child. I said she reminds me of him when he was little, constantly touching me. A child constantly touching his mother is normal and while I sometimes got touched out, like loads of mums do, he never ever repulsed me.

A grown adult compulsively and impulsively touching someone else, I find weird and repulsive.

I’m cheerfully willing to concede this is a me problem though. She means no malice and is genuinely just full of love. Lots of people are very tactile. Doesn’t mean I am, or that I’m equipped to deal with it.

To respond to other posters, my husband IS the first point of contact. The emails she sends are to both of us. He gets extra emails just for him, and she’d ring him before me. If she does email just me, I still get dozens of kisses though. He doesn’t expect that I’ll care for his mum, I just don’t mind helping out with the practical side of things. I’m not a monster. I just can’t stand being touched and fussed over.

I do pull him up for using his phone when he sees her. He reverts to Son in the family dynamic. Sits on the sofa next to his dad even though he’s much closer to his mum. She prefers talking to me because she defines herself as ‘girly’ and assumes all women are the same. She has traditional views of gender roles. The men sit and grunt, the women gossip - that’s her world view. So she’s like a heat-seeking missile when I go in.

My husband doesn’t share these dated perspectives on gender, but is very happy to sit and not be wittered at. I can’t say that I blame him. He loves her to pieces and would do anything at all for her, but he’s not good at chitter chatter. I have pointed out that I am in fact worse, and she’s not my mum. But if she’s got me in her grip when I walk in the house, then she leads me to the seat next to her, my husband sits in ‘his’ spot, my fil in his, and off we go.

And yes to the poster that says it’s a physical tearing of my soul. Exactly that. It’s a visceral feeling.

I shall properly read the suggestions now.

How long has this been going on? How’s long have you known her?

if it’s getting worse recently, vs previous years, it may indicate slight cognitive decline where loss of inhibition is one of first signs sometimes ..so go carefully

if she’s been like it for years, why didn’t you say something at first few meetings? Issue is that to say now will be very difficult to break a habit and will probably hit her hard in terms of rejection.

another thing to think about…some mums are very frightened of loosing their sons to their “ new” family…they know DIL will probably be closer to her own mum, and the new family , and her son, will gravitate towards a closer connection to his wife’s side. Ok, generalisation but very often the case. So, there’s a fear . And so an overcompensation of trying to make very strong relationship with DIL…in effect ensuring that DIL Iskenderun close as she’s the gatekeeper to access with her son. It just then becomes completely over the top, gushing, and boundaries screwed as she tries to treat you as daughter. Especially if she’s never had a daughter and would be gushing too much for even that. It’s a self esteem and fear thing. So, if you’re going to address it, start by reinforcing that you want to support her, you “ love” her and care about her as DIL, that her son loves her to bits and you will promote he translates that into actual conversation and support! However, you do feel a bit overwhelmed by physical touching, and emotional discussion…explain you’re an introvert and it’s just not in your comfort zone. What does she suggest that “ we” could do to reach compromise? Make it a problem for both of you to solve.

87 your lucky to.still have her.

You'll miss her when she's gone.
You are lucky,
There's no pleasing some people.

tell us you know nothing about neurodiversity without telling us

I met my husband about a decade ago when my son was 8. He doesn’t visit her on his own.

I don’t expect I’d be responsible for her care, and nor does my husband. But I genuinely wouldn’t mind helping out with the practical stuff, especially as I get on very well with my fil, if she was less… full on. Just like a normal person. I thought it was because I didn’t see her enough and if I/we saw her more, she’d just calm down into normal levels of affection, but nope. When I started seeing her more often it just got more muchy.

I would make visits slightly shorter and tell your husband to do his bit. Is she fit and well enough to go for a walk, cafe etc? May be less overwhelming out of her house. Really her son should be doing most if the visiting chat, perhaps he could do a visit by himself, then the next visit both of you go. Tell her you don't want her to touch you. I hate people touching me, other than OH and kids but I tell everyone.

It’s so good to hear that other people don’t like to be touched by anyone other than husband and kids. I wish I’d enforced this boundary decades ago like you have.

Some practical thoughts, maybe (based on ND OH)

Loop earplugs can apparently help with sensory overload (never tried them but they have good reviews).

Try sitting / putting a cushion subtly between you to reduce physical contact - you could even say you think you might be going down with a bug and don't want to give it to her.

Voice clearly and carefully to your DH that you think you might be ND and why you need him to engage.

Try seeing if she would teach or play card games or something with you, it will provide a different topic of conversation and create natural distance.

Get busy at hers! You don't have to sit passively. Offer to make tea, ask if there are small jobs you can help with.

If he doesn’t step in for what you need now, how will he step up in the future when his mum needs care? He’s going to sit on his t phone and leave it for you.

Wtf. OP has said she's possibly ND. Her reaction is VERY typical of a ND person. Being ND doesn't make you “cold and miserable".
Shockingly ignorant comment.

My MIL did the over the top girls chat with me and my SIL, while our husbands, her actual sons just played on their phones.

Both DHs got told firmly that we were seeing MIL for their benefit and not ours. Backed up by a few emergency runs to the shops and headaches so we had to lie down upstairs. Anything to get them to interact with their mum who loves them to bits.

The message got through eventually.