Telling my mil to back off

[RubberPlantPotStand]

My mil is a lovely person. She has done nothing 'wrong'. But I am a fairly aloof, contained, non-touchy feely, private and quiet person, and she is a gushing, over-sharing, hugging chatterbox and it's reaching the point where I can't stand to be in her company.

My husband adores her. Rightly. She's his mum. But when we go and visit he sits on the couch on his phone and I'm left to field her for a couple of hours, and it feels like running a gauntlet. It exhausts me. I'm pretty certain I'm neurodivergent, and I find her extremely over-stimulating. I don't like to be touched really, and she's always linking arms or hugging me, or stroking me. She reminds me of my son when he was a toddler. Magnetically drawn to touch me. She tells me she loves me over and over again, and asks insanely probing questions on anything from my weight to the state of my relationship with her son.

When we're not with her, she emails all the time - maybe twice a week - asking when she will see us, and her emails are full of declarations of love and always have at least 40 kisses at the end. If my husband is away, she makes a point of calling me to make sure I'm ok on my own and I'm not missing him too much. 'Are you missing him dreadfully, Rubber...? I bet you're counting the hours down until he's home'. Well, no. I love him very much but we are both grown adults. I never, ever miss him when he's away. I'm always really happy to see him when he comes home, and enjoy reconnecting into the rhythm of our shared life. This feels healthy to me.

I know. None of these things are crimes. What ridiculous things to moan about. But she really gets under my skin, because we are just polar opposites in temperament. And while I can sit and make polite small talk with anyone regardless of my own social discomfort, I REALLY struggle with her because all she talks about is love and feelings and how much she loves her family and how she feels about us. I find it really overwhelming.

My husband knows I feel this way, and understands to a degree. Though he does keep saying, you're the only person I've ever met who doesn't like my mum. Everyone likes my mum. And it's so hard to explain that it isn't that I don't like her - there's nothing not to like - but she breaches every single one of my boundaries without knowing it, over and over again, and I find spending any length of time with her utterly exhausting. That's the only word for it - she doesn't just drain my social battery, the energy it takes to not run away from her wipes me out. I should probably say at this point that my upbringing wasn't brilliant and my relationship with my mother is very complicated, and I find being 'mothered' utterly repulsive.

He says I should just tell her that I don't like being fussed over. But she's 87. Fussing is her style, she's old, I don't want to upset her, and I'm not sure she's capable of changing.

Can anyone think of a way of phrasing it that doesn't make me sound like a nutter, or make her feel terrible? I obviously do not stop my husband seeing her, and he's made it clear I don't have to accompany him every time, but I know she loves 'family' and having us all together and it's reaching the point where I absolutely dread going to see her. I have told her before that I don't like being mothered, but I don't think she sees her behaviour as mothering. She just... loves you. Full bore. All the time. With very few alternative topics of conversation - she either talks about herself, or love and feelings.

How can I make it stop so the last few years of her life are spent with a dil who isn't recoiling inside all the time? My dh suggested that they move into the house next door to ours the other day, when it was up for sale. My insides went through the floor. But she doesn't have a daughter or another dil. I'm it for any kind of more personal care as she gets older and less independent, and right now she freaks me out.

I love these ideas, especially getting her to teach me something and also the not wanting to give her germs thing.

I already have Loop earplugs for pubs and crowds. Wearing them might be a good way of introducing the idea that I experience things in a different way to her, as she’d definitely clock them.

She came to stay for two nights once and the only way I could cope was to plan lots and lots of activities. She is becoming unsteadier but out is still very much an option.

The visits can’t really be shorter as she lives an hour and a half away.

You have a husband problem

he needs to fix this. He needs to spend time with her and steer her away from you

he’s using you to entertain her so he can chill out - that’s not ok

Does she have a garden? What I do, if I'm at my mum's house and it's all a bit much, is take a turn around the garden 🙂 or several turns. I also get my mum to talk me through the plants , chat about what's she's planted.

A little bit. It’s taken him a long time to realise that I am being most sincere when I say that I am reserved, do not get my energy from other people and I don’t have social anxiety, I just don’t like or need to be around people in the same way he does. And I didn’t communicate it to him very well at the start of our relationship because I didn’t realise how different we are in that regard, and also how full on his mum is.

So ground rules weren’t put in place from the start, he just saw that his mum loved his girlfriend/now wife and that made him happy. It’s only in the last 2 years that it’s become so much of a problem for me that I needed to say something. Perimenopause probably playing into that for me. And he does make more of an effort with her on his own now, and does do things like take her arm when we’re out before she can grab mine. But the pattern of what happens when we visit has been set - for her, it’s all about grabbing onto me and talking about how much better girls are than boys, and how much she loves me and her family. She gets so much pleasure from it that I feel awful.

She's 87. Dont upset her. You've got 5 years or less with her. Might not be in control of her faculties.All that time

Force your useless dh to see her and spend time without you.

Yes. That’s a great idea.

sounds suffocating

agree with pp you have a husband problem too

I’ve mischaracterised him. He’s not useless. He does see her on his own, he takes her out for afternoon tea or to craft shops. But she’s very big on Family. Their family is very close, they’re always staying at each other’s houses even in their late 80s, though that has slowed down a bit. So I’m Family too and there’s an expectation that I’ll visit. Not unreasonably.

I know we don’t have long with her, and I’d like my dh to see as much of her as possible. I’ve invited them for Christmas lunch this year. I’m trying. But 5 years is an AGE when I have such a physical reaction to her. In order for my husband to get to see her more, I’d like to find a way for her to be… less, without hurting her.

the practical distancing ideas I’ve been given on this thread have been brilliant. I’m definitely going to get her to teach me to use a sewing machine.

if she moves closer it will 10x worse and you'll be in charge of caring for her

You see she is his model for how women are. He deep down thinks it’s your job to entertain her and be chatty.

you can totally adjust this with all the tips and if it gets too much ‘go out for milk or to drop something at a friend’. Your well-being it’s important not just theirs

You see she is his model for how women are. He deep down thinks it’s your job to entertain her and be chatty

Have we really got so selfish that she shouldn't make any effort to engage aith her kind MIL.

Why can’t your DH have a kind chat with her, explaining ND and that being grabbed/stroked etc is almost physically painful for you? If she loves you as much as she professes then she’ll try to understand.

It would drive me batty and I’d end up swatting her away every time she sidled up for a stroke. Ugh.

Read the thread - it’s not any effort - the op is being amazing but it’s too much for her

But when we go and visit he sits on the couch on his phone and I'm left to field her for a couple of hours,

My husband knows I feel this way, and understands to a degree.

Why is he like this?
'DH-the visits to your mum exhaust me as I am her sole focus and you just sit there on your phone. If you don't redirect this and actually spend the trip communicating with her, you will be doing all of them alone.

Why does he get to opt out at your expense?

Have you tried talking to her about her childhood and young adulthood ? It’s a lovely, focused bonding thing, and really connects with someone older as a person, but might hopefully avoid the intimacy of some of the current conversations…

This is really unfair. I make lots of effort to engage with her despite it being a genuine effort for me. There are plenty of daughter in laws that have horrible relationships with their mother in laws and don’t make any effort to see them. I try and make things ‘normal’ for her and my husband, but I don’t have what they would consider to be a normal reaction to her kind of energy. She is very kind and very loving. But to me, I find it cloying and suffocating and deeply uncomfortable. I’m not selfish, she’s not wrong. We are just very, very different.

The poster you quoted is right though. My husband does sees her as the model for how a woman should be. It’s not a bad thing as, understandably old fashioned gender views aside, she is objectively a great woman. But she’s very soft and I’m… not. But she is immersed in her local community and always in and out of neighbours houses chatting. Everyone in her village knows and loves her. My husband is a bit bemused that I find small talk impossibly dull and while I have good relationships with all the neighbours in our street and can pass the time easily with them, I’m not wildly interested in their everyday lives, don’t feel the need to have cups of tea with them, sometimes struggle to recognise them out of the context of our road. My husband knows everything about everyone. I’m like, whatever. Enough drama in our own lives without taking on theirs.

You breach your own boundaries by going into her space, knowing what she’s like.
She sounds lovely and I wish I’d a MIL like that.

emails all the time- twice a week
Hardly all the time!

If my daughter spoke like this about someone, I’d be disappointed in her.
The problem is you OP, not her.
Don’t go in her space.

I think part of the problem is that he thinks it’s good for me. Because he is a very social person, and because generally as a species humans are sociable people, he sees human contact as a basic human need. And because he knows my own mum doesn’t have a maternal bone in her body and has never shown me love or kindness. When I’m with his mum I’m obviously not letting my revulsion show, so he sees me laughing and smiling and being loved and thinks it’s good to get me out of what he sees as my shell, and also good to be loved by a mother. Because he loves being loved by a mother.

Part of this is my fault for not being enforcing a boundary from the start and making it clear to her that I need physical and emotional space, and part of it is his for not listening to me and trusting that I know my own self. It doesn’t help that I did have anxiety for a long time when we met - hormones, disappeared as soon as I started HRT - so he assumed I was just a bit awkward.

I don’t think he’s opting out so much as assuming I secretly enjoy opting in. Largely because he genuinely can’t believe anyone doesn’t fully adore his mother. Everyone loves his mum. All his friends, everyone where she lives… I’ve accidentally married the son of the most loving and loved woman in the county. It’s not ideal for me.

I don’t know what’s normal. Someone emailing me twice a week asking when they’re going to see me doesn’t feel normal to me, but my normal is obviously different to yours. My family isn’t close at all, we aren’t in regular contact, so there’s a cultural difference as well as a personality one.

I know the problem is me. I’d absolutely love never to go into her space. I could cheerfully never see her again, it would be a huge relief, or at least just take it down to Christmas and birthdays. But that would be seen as an act of war to my husband, because they are all so close, and live in each other’s pockets. I don’t get to opt out of it without it being problematic. And I don’t want to cause problems in my marriage. There are few things that my husband and I couldn’t work out, but he would struggle to reconcile me completely rejecting his mother. And as the mother of a son, I admire that and hope that my son feels the same way about me when I’m 87. That I still very much matter.

Which is why I asked for ways to help her understand me, without hurting her. I’ve received loads of practical ideas to refocus her attention and I’m kicking myself to be honest because of course redirection is the answer.

All of this.
I have ASD and I simply could not cope with this

This!! How rude of him! How dare he!

don’t think he’s opting out so much as assuming I secretly enjoy opting in.

He is still not being reasonable.

You need to spell this out very clearly to him. I am not 'secretly enjoying opting in' here...it exhausts me to the point where I am starting to dislike her and resent you. You need to remove some of this burden on me by actually shouldering some of this on my behalf'

Then ask him if he actually understands how you feel. It sounds like he doesn't 'get' you at all?

It’s very difficult for someone with a universally adored parent to understand that anyone would feel differently. My mum (who I also adored) was one of those people. Literally everyone who ever met her loved her. I have to say it would have been a dealbreaker for me and I couldn’t have been in a relationship with someone so out of step with my entire life experience.

Yucky! Could you insist on a different seat, say a stool, for back reasons, so it’s harder for her to get at you? And change the subject when she keeps saying how much she loves you (deeply weird IMO) - start talking about the kids’ maths homework, soft furnishings, literally anything else?