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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not go to a birthday party 3 weeks post partum?

29 replies

Biscuit94 · 21/08/2025 19:00

I am a first time mum and gave birth to my daughter 4 weeks ago.
My OH's best friend turned 40 last weekend and we were both invited to a party at his house. It was a relatively small affair with about 20 people and a fair few toddlers. I knew about half the people there, though most not well.

I didn't have the best birth (induced, ventouse, episiotomy, minor pph). I am also breastfeeding and contracted mastitis 10 days post partum which I had just finished antibiotics for at the time. A

Anyway, I decided I wasn't feeling up to going to the party with my daughter. Partially because I still am not recovered from birth, I am sleep deprived and also because my DD is still very unpredictable and can want to breastfeed at any time, which I am still getting the hang of.
I obviously said OH could go, to send my love etc.

Anyway OH seemed annoyed at this, when he came back said people were 'surprised' I wasn't there and text me whilst there asking if he could come pick us up. To be honest this annoyed me a bit because I would have thought most of his friends with young kids would understand why I wasn't there. He started saying things like "we can't turn into hermits" etc. as I hadn't been out the house much since she was born. He seems to think I'm being unreasonable by not wanting to go out much just yet.

To clarify I don't mind going round to peoples' houses who I know well or family and we are going to his friends' this evening where there will be just his friend and his wife.

Aibu?

OP posts:
Parksinyork · 21/08/2025 19:01

I suspect they were surprised that you weren’t feeling great and he hadn’t stayed at home with you.

BundleBoogie · 21/08/2025 19:04

I would suggest that once he’s pushed a large melon out through his nether regions, he is entitled to comment on your willingness to party. Until then he needs to wind his neck in and help look after you and the baby.

AnnieAverage · 21/08/2025 19:04

Yanbu, no fun feeling shattered and not your usual cheerful self at all friend’s birthday. How cruel of your dh to put pressure on you, really.

I managed a family party when dd1 was four weeks old and I found it really stressful! I was convinced I’d damage her little ears with the loud music. Did not enjoy it much although relatives were super excited to meet the baby. I don’t think you made the wrong choice.

3rdtimearoundtheblock · 21/08/2025 19:06

I'm sorry but you should still be taking it super easy at that point after what is one of the most traumatic things your body can go through (many cultures say you should take 40 days and nights) and that's for an "easy" birth.
If you didn't feel up to it that's absolutely fine. I turned down a hen do at 6 weeks post 3rd baby because I just didn't want to go.

Whaleadthesnail · 21/08/2025 19:07

Regardless of the reason - if you don't want to go you don't want to go. You don't have to justify it. However I expect they were not particularly surprised and just making small talk.

opencecilgee · 21/08/2025 22:02

Nobody was surprised. He’s bull shitting

I woild not have gone. No bloody way

catcurl · 21/08/2025 22:08

Your baby was 3 weeks old! And you, extremely understandly and expectedly weren't feeling great. It wouldn't practically work for you with breastfeeding.... and you also didn't want to go.

Nobody could be surprised at all. Even if they were, your partners role when he returned was to ask how you both were and what he can do to help, especially as he has had a break himself.

Don't give it another thought. My hormones were also all over the place when I had my babies, as well as the sleep deprivation- it made me question things I otherwise wouldn't have.

You are absolutely not being unreasonable.

Piratejenny99 · 21/08/2025 22:18

YANBU, my brothers 40th was 4 weeks after I gave birth. I didn’t go and neither did my DH and I don’t think anyone was remotely surprised.

Eenameenadeeka · 21/08/2025 22:26

He's being rediculous.

Shhhhitsmagic · 21/08/2025 22:34

Your birth story is similar to mine - I didn't even leave the house for 6 weeks!
Also, I can guarantee none of them were surprised that you weren't there. He's just being a selfish prick

Endofyear · 21/08/2025 23:08

Sorry OP but your partner is a complete arse! You're recovering from a traumatic birth, mastitis and still establishing breastfeeding! If he doesn't actually understand the physical, mental and emotional demands that are on your plate, he needs to be told very firmly that he doesn't have a fucking clue. He should be looking after you and helping as much as he can, not demanding you go to some crappy party 😡

PigletSanders · 21/08/2025 23:37

Your partner is a prick. And no one would be surprised, he’s just a stupid, selfish cunt who for some reason wants to make you feel bad.

Is he awful in other ways? I bet he is.

PigletSanders · 21/08/2025 23:37

Endofyear · 21/08/2025 23:08

Sorry OP but your partner is a complete arse! You're recovering from a traumatic birth, mastitis and still establishing breastfeeding! If he doesn't actually understand the physical, mental and emotional demands that are on your plate, he needs to be told very firmly that he doesn't have a fucking clue. He should be looking after you and helping as much as he can, not demanding you go to some crappy party 😡

Quite.

FTM09q24 · 21/08/2025 23:48

He's a dick

ClaredeBear · 21/08/2025 23:52

That guy should totally have your back but in any case, I’ll bet no one was surprised you weren’t there, he’s just trying to make you feel bad. Terrible behaviour and I hope it improves.

mathanxiety · 22/08/2025 02:43

The other guests were probably surprised to see your H there and wondering why he hadn't stayed home with you.

Original poster
Biscuit94 · 22/08/2025 09:04

Thanks for all your responses. You seriously start to doubt yourself in the midst of a new baby and post partum recovery.

I also agree it was a bit of a dick move on his part. To be fair though, he has been very good in other ways (getting up in the night to wind her/change her if I can't cope and taking on his fair share when he is about during the day.)

I just don't think he has a clue about the fact I'm still not physically or mentally recovered. I look quite well so I guess in his head he can't compute why I wouldn't be out and about ...

OP posts:
BusyMum47 · 22/08/2025 10:08

@Biscuit94

What an absolute prick!

You had a traumatic birth & a raging infection just 3wks ago & are breast feeding constantly while simultaneously trying to heal & recover. 'People' were probably asking where you were purely because they're selfish twats & were just wanting to coo over the baby. Also, a room full of people incl. undoubtedly germy kids, is not really the best place for a 3wk old baby at the best of times!!

Good for you for not going - show your husband these replies!! He needs to up his game & have your back.

FTM09q24 · 22/08/2025 17:49

One piece of advice from a great-aunt one morning, a few weeks after I had my baby, and I joyfully told her I was well enough and had managed to cook dinner: Do not tell him you are well again. Even if you feel well right now, don't tell him and fake still feeling tired and in pain. Men take that statement and run with it and think OK nothing more for me to do now, she's fine.

Oooh how right she was. I had a breakdown around 8 weeks because DH had stopped doing stuff because he could see how well I was coping. It NEVER occurred to him that I was powering through and actually I still need help. Seriously. Men don't go through a c section, they don't realize just how long recovery is, and they take what you say at face value. So tell him you're in pain and go back to bed.

UnintentionalArcher · 25/08/2025 22:54

Biscuit94 · 22/08/2025 09:04

Thanks for all your responses. You seriously start to doubt yourself in the midst of a new baby and post partum recovery.

I also agree it was a bit of a dick move on his part. To be fair though, he has been very good in other ways (getting up in the night to wind her/change her if I can't cope and taking on his fair share when he is about during the day.)

I just don't think he has a clue about the fact I'm still not physically or mentally recovered. I look quite well so I guess in his head he can't compute why I wouldn't be out and about ...

This sounds awful. His behaviour sounds absolutely horrible.

Regardless of whether or not he is good in other ways, I hope he can be made to understand the trauma you have been through. Do you think he would listen if you tried to spell it? Or have you already tried - not that you should have to? (Assuming he was there at the birth, by the way, you would have hoped he would just naturally get it!!)

learningtoliveagain · 11/01/2026 18:53

There are some cultures in that it is custom for the new mom to rest and stay home with the new baby for a period of confinement and I kind of wish we had this here. I literally had to get up the next day and get on with life, my mother in law was getting married and I was expected to attend even though she knew my due date she was rather put out that I waited until the day before to give birth. I actually passed out whilst photos were being taken and got accused of being attention seeking. Honestly I should have left this family then but what I’m trying to say is that giving birth is yes a natural wonderful thing but it’s also a traumatic exhausting thing then our bodies have to adjust to feed and care for a child outside after growing it inside for 9 months. No offence to any man but their 5 minutes of work doesn’t really compare so when they come moaning at us, maybe offer to close their manhood in a door a few times and then see if they feel like being sociable 😜

gotohellforheavenssake · 11/01/2026 20:04

Biscuit94 · 22/08/2025 09:04

Thanks for all your responses. You seriously start to doubt yourself in the midst of a new baby and post partum recovery.

I also agree it was a bit of a dick move on his part. To be fair though, he has been very good in other ways (getting up in the night to wind her/change her if I can't cope and taking on his fair share when he is about during the day.)

I just don't think he has a clue about the fact I'm still not physically or mentally recovered. I look quite well so I guess in his head he can't compute why I wouldn't be out and about ...

Why is he only helping if you “can’t cope”? He should be doing his fair share regardless and not only be stepping in when you start to struggle.

Nearly50omg · 14/01/2026 14:19

It’s not called helping - it’s PARENTING!! Annoys the shit out of me people saying oh so and so husband is so good “helping” change the nappies etc - and why shouldn’t he?!?! It’s his child too!! He should be not only doing 50% of the parenting but also supporting his wife who’s grown and given birth to this baby!

Bruisername · 14/01/2026 14:23

Was he at the birth?

I had a relatively straightforward birth but DH was horrified by what I had been through!!!

TheWonderhorse · 14/01/2026 14:27

Sit the bugger down and tell him. Tell him that you know you seem to be okay, that you look okay and that you will be back to something resembling your normal self eventually. But childbirth is the biggest physical and emotional upheaval of your life and you don't give any sort of a fuck what his timeline is for your recovery.

It's a shock. I remember one day feeling genuinely well many months down the line after my first and I'd forgotten what it felt like, I hadn't realised the toll it had taken on me. Do what you feel like.

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