Summer Holiday Burn Out

[Wornout82]

I am completely at breaking point. I am a SAHM to a very hyper toddler who has been off nursery for almost 5 weeks now. We likely all have ADHD to varying degrees - she spends all talking and singing loudly, dragging her heels about going out and just frying my brain. It feels like I am stuck in a circular loop with so much continuous noise. My partner who works in the legal field has refused to take a single day off during her break from nursery claiming his job is too important and there is too much work to do. He also seems to think it’s not an issue because I went home for two weeks.

Am I unreasonable in thinking that even people in stressful jobs take the occasional day or week off during the school holidays to spend with their child and give their partner some relief?

I get complete sensory overload from a hyper toddler all day to him finishing work and talking like he’s been storing every thought he had for the day to release all at once. I want to try and organise some freelance/part time work for September but my brain is so fried by the evening when he finishes work that I have nothing left in my battery. I have tried to talk to him but he says I am being unreasonable and I don’t understand because I don’t work (as if I didn’t work and earn more than him in the past). When I counter that I have worked and minding a hyper active clingy three year old all day every day without a break is more exhausting he tells me that I have never had a job as hard as him (which is bs imo). I honestly feel he is killing any chance I have to restart my career by putting his own job ahead of us.

I don't think you're right that most people take a random week off just to ease the load of the sahp. My DH took a week off when we went on holiday but has otherwise been at work 7.30am to 6pm each day like normal and I'm at home with our 4yo and 2yo like normal.
It is full on though. Maybe noise cancelling headphones or those loop ones would help? I think you're being ambitious to think now is the time to plan a new career move - at least wait until your 3yo is at nursery again and you have time in the day to think. And the hard truth of it is that if you aren't making any money at the moment then he can't take time off for you to try and launch a business (unless you have oodles of savings).

But your partner went on holiday for a week with you during the 6 week break? That does break it up! My partner has not taken a single day or an afternoon. Every year he has a panic coming up to the end of the year as he hasn't taken his holiday allocation and ends up taking time off in March, rolling 5 days and usually losing days too. I just had a row with him there as he was supposed to take a half day tomorrow to do a hobby with my daughter and told me tonight that he couldn't book it off because the rest of his team are on leave - leave he says he can't ever possibly book because his team are too busy.

My child is climbing me from the second I wake up to going back to sleep, covering me in stuff and insisting I play with her 24/7. If I leave her alone for a minute she does something dangerous or damages something - I am sure she must have ADHD. I take her to play places and she wants me to do everything with her, she does not do things on her own. I get sensory overload so my brain is fried. He is a clingy person too and finishes work and instantly starts talking at me - often they are both talking at once demanding I listen to them.

The main thing is I never wanted to be a SAHM, I never signed up for this but my partner's career is being prioritised. I am as highly educated as him and have moved further up the career ladder prior to this despite constantly moving location and changing jobs for his career. I had wanted to get my work organised for September to get extra hours for nursery to allow me to work the rest of the year - I won't be able to do this now so by refusing to take any time off he is hindering my ability to work. Sorry I am ranting now but I am honestly thinking that if we split up I can work full time and he will have to sort out 50% of the childcare. I don't want to break up with him but I think it may be the only way to reclaim my sanity. His dad was a workaholic who didn't participate in his kids lives enough and my dad was the same - neither of us are very close to our dads as a result - I worry this is the way it is going for my daughter.

Oh if you never wanted to be a sahm then that's very different, and he should be supporting you to get back into work. If you're setting up a business then there is leeway on the 30 hours when it comes to proving it I believe, so it might still be possible. Otherwise it sounds like they'll be in nursery anyway in September (as the big issue has been the summer break) so use that time to get your plans sorted and get the hours set up from Xmas and really hit the ground running.
My partner hasn't taken any time off in the summer break, we had our week in June so yes, it's been full on. I find bigger days out easier and pedal tractors are always a winner. Just take a dog lead with you so you can tow it around if necessary without breaking your back. And don't have any more kids with this unhelpful specimen if he's unwilling to actually parent - they are far greater than the sum of their parts in terms of effort required, noise and being touched out.

Presumably the 3 yr old is at nursery in term time so I guess you have quite a bit of free time then in which case 6 weeks of looking after 1 child doesn’t seem too bad. It’s a shame your partner won’t take time off to enjoy spending time with his child and you. Perhaps you could arrange a holiday in term time when he next takes annual leave.
I would be taking me and child for a few short breaks to break up the holiday a bit. You say you’ve been home for 2 weeks-was this to stay with family? Seems maybe the issue isn’t necessarily childcare but the lack of your partner wanting to spend time as a family.
definitely look at going back to work

What do you mean by you “went home for two weeks”?

Nah I completely get it, I’m SLT in a school and my kids are 10 and 2 so all off for the 6 weeks together. I’ve paid for the 2 year old to have 2 days in nursery a week, have had a week holiday with partner and extended family to help and have my retired dad helping me taking them out for a walk a few times a week and I’ve nearly been at breaking point a few times too. You’re doing well, she will be back at nursery soon. I think 3 is the hardest year because they stop napping but still require so much input so you are literally on the go from the moment they wake up. X

I’d be very annoyed he’s not booked a week off to spend with you both. Doesn’t he want to see his child?

I think YANBU to expect him to actually use his annual leave to spend time with his family whether it's a holiday or just doing activities. DH is a bit like this (I am a teacher) but I insist on him booking time off.

If your DC is at nursery in term time you get a fair amount of free time then so it's just a few weeks to get through. They sound like a fairly normal 3 year old and it is a tricky age as you do need to have eyes in the back of your head. Your partner should definitely not be offloading on you in the evening if you need that time to recover though. I'm a single parent to 2 and I get through the days by knowing that I get my own space (physical and mental) after they go to bed. Your partner seems to have an unhealthy attitude to work and family roles so that does need to change.

He sounds very selfish op and you really need to lay it on the line for him clearly, let him know that you are close to considering the alternative, a separation with a 50/50 childcare split. He is a parent and cannot just devolve all childcare responsibility to you. I'm a teacher so have always been the default holiday childcare but that was my choice and my dh had always taken time off in the holidays to spend time as a family and to give me a break. He has supported me working part time when the kids were small and going back full time now....even though he massively out earns me and we could live without my salary (thanks public sector) but he understands that its important for me. My kids are teenagers now and I've always explained that I don't want to be a bereft empty nester with nothing in my life (I am sure I will be devastated when they go but hopefully not totally devoid of anything to keep me busy) and that I need to keep some of me alive (career, hobbies, friendships). You are absolutely right to want some more support from him.

Can’t you explore working again in just over a weeks time when she goes back to nursery?

Conversations with mums of kids (any age) seem to show me again and again that Dads neglect to think about / refuse to take any responsibility for holiday care. Far too important/ male superiority complex. They just don’t want to do it, and think it’s beneath them.
Holiday parenting is relentless, and going to work can often be a form of respite. There are a lot of burnt out Mums in my circle returning to work every September who are exhausted and hacked off.

But if you’re a SAHM whose child is at nursery term time meaning you have time to yourself then, I don’t think it’s a big ask to take responsibility for holidays.

It's a bit late now the holidays are nearly over, but for next year book in at least some summer camps so your child gets to run about with little friends and you can work.

No, I don't think it's normal nor acceptable for a father to entirely check out of family life with no holiday nor time looking after their own child. Especially given that you want to work; you both need an equal opportunity to do so. I'm not sure how you got to this point, but I would say it's time for serious discussions about changing responsibilities. Maybe start by writing out the types of week (school, holiday, sick) and then defining a split you think will work for you; Sunday morning he takes her, pm family time, he gets x drop-off / pick-up, book y clubs / after-school, etc.

YABU

One DD for the summer holidays and a SAHM?

So have you had a family holiday at all this year? Or got one planned? If not that would be v unusual.

It comes up oh here a lot but calling a 3 year old a toddler just babies them. If you think she has needs then I would speak to nursery about what they think.
if you said to her x you can go on play with play doh for 5 minutes whilst I tidy up and then build up the time, what would happen?
Is there something she likes doing that will keep her occupied? Mine at that age, loved playing in the bath with loads of bubbles and bath toys, I was in the bathroom as well but it was a break! The best advice I was given was to help them to play on their own.
You do have my sympathies, both of you together must feel relentless. Your partner should be taking some leave and booking it in advance!

If you’re a SAHM with a lot of free time in term time then YABU complaining about the holidays. Go back to work. Being a SAHM was never for me. I used nurseries, wrap around childcare and holiday clubs. It kept me sanity. Kids have grown into well adjusted adults. Your DH clearly CBA looking after his own child, and doesn’t want to spent time with her. He should be booking some time off in the holidays so you can spent time with her. His priorities are all wrong.

If you never wanted to be a SAHM I don’t understand why you became/continue to be one? If you were in a career where you outearned your husband surely between you both you could cover childcare costs to enable both parents to work? Why agree to all the relocations if it’s not what you wanted? There’s only a couple of weeks left of the holidays now, just do whatever you need to get through them, and when your child is back in nursery and you have all your free time back, start prioritising yourself and your career. You need to take a more active role in your own life.

You are absolutely not unreasonable for expecting him to take some leave. I know too many women whose partners pull this stuff on them all through their kids’ childhoods (and will then take leave for their own interests or holidays with their friends) and it’s not acceptable. You sound totally fed up (and your reference to going home is very telling). I think you need to have a really serious conversation together about what you’re thinking here.

I went to my mums for two weeks because after doing two weeks of it on my own I wanted to go somewhere she might be less work - it’s a much bigger space with pets and a garden full of plants and trees so she gets excited going there and pottering around the garden with granny so clings to me less. She also loves seeing cousins and my mum and brother did mind her on two separate occasions when I met friends and got a few hours off. It was still hard and I still had her 90% of the time but it was more doable as I wasn’t so alone in it.

She is not full time in nursery, she used to do 3 hours every morning, we increased that to 6.5 hours 3 days a week in term time which gets drastically reduced when you take at least an hour of that to do drop offs and pick ups - then take away the days she can’t go in because of illness. She also misses mornings sometimes because she is a terrible sleeper and they have a strict rule on punctuality so it gets drastically reduced. I feel much more sane when she is in nursery but outside of that I feel it is too much - I can’t get anything done when she is home all the time. I know some kids play independently and are less tactile but she literally wants to be physically attached to me and I am telling her more and more that she has to give me space and not be on me as much and she just looks crushed. Honestly I feel like a shit parent in those moments and have told my partner that putting me in a situation where I am burning out is affecting my relationship with my daughter.

Nursery are looking into getting people to help her with that element as I think she is attached to her key worker constantly when we leave her there - they do say she is not high on the list for support as they are happy with her but just want her to interact with kids more than adults. She is getting better with this and has played with kids more in recent months.

My partner does step up in evenings and does a lot more bed times than me because I am losing it by that time of the day but complains constantly then argues loudly with her about every single step and keeps shouting in at me about how difficult she is being so I still get the stress and the noise even when I am been given a break. When I tell him it’s weaponised incompetence he tells me I am misusing the term and clearly don’t understand it. I’ve explained that there is no point in doing bed times if you keep shouting updates and bursting in on the other parent to vent - no wonder she is so wired. Her personality is very defiant too, if someone barks orders at her she will argue and do the opposite so evenings are combative apart from story time. I asked for a break last Saturday as I felt ill and just needed some space, it was 3pm by the time he left and home again at 7pm without feeding her. At the weekends if I stay in bed and ask him to look after her she will still be in her pjs with nothing done by the time I go down - he says things like “she is much more difficult for me”.

@Wornout82 i would head straight out the door a few nights a week as soon as he has walked through it.
Go get your peace and downtime and let him and dd talk to each other

But if you’re a SAHM whose child is at nursery term time meaning you have time to yourself then, I don’t think it’s a big ask to take responsibility for holidays

True in principle, nursery often is 9-3 or even 10-1 sometimes. Doing a shift from.7-9 to get them up and out, dropping off then being at home from 10-2 isn't a huge rest. As you then have a shift from 3-8pm, which is hard work playing, tidying, managing tired moods, feeding, bath and bed, tidying up.

So it's only marginally easier than working 9-5, it's the same number of hours "on". While you probably don't need as much time off in the holidays you absolutely need SOME. You should take overall responsibility for making sure it's all covered but that doesn't mean your partner takes NO annual leave and does NOTHING in mornings and evenings.

12 hours with children every day for 6 weeks is relentless, and if you have suspected SEN as OP's child does, it is a very different ballgame from being with a more chilled child.

Also going to work doesn't mean you do fuck all after 6pm, I bet OPs husband isn't covering bath and bedtime while she rests.

He out earns me now - he went back to education years ago but it meant splitting up or moving as he booked to do it in a far away location without consulting me (he claims he did but did not in terms of location). I moved like a doormat as I wanted it to work. I did well but finished a contract in the pandemic and the industry largely shut down I was unemployed when I got pregnant (late 30s at that stage so made a choice). I did want to stay home for the first year or so but I wanted to ho back to work when she was about two.

My work is in a very niche area where there are limited jobs, particularly at the higher level, it is a something you need to live in a big city for really which we no longer do. As the area I am in does not have roles in my field I want to do some freelance work in something I have experience in but will not pay as well. I also have low confidence after being out of the workforce for so long - my last job I was at the second highest level but the woman at the top was pretty nasty to everyone (a whole other post) which has also negatively affected me to the point I don’t even want to ask her for a reference.

My partners earning potential has also increased a lot now he has new qualifications and has gone up the ladder in the last 3 years - I would need to retrain to match him now which is something I am also considering as while I love my career I feel I have trapped myself by being in such a niche field.

I’d be really irritated about the fact he is incapable of organising his annual leave in general to be honest. Losing leave entitlement every year is ridiculous.