Summer Holiday Burn Out

[Wornout82]

I am completely at breaking point. I am a SAHM to a very hyper toddler who has been off nursery for almost 5 weeks now. We likely all have ADHD to varying degrees - she spends all talking and singing loudly, dragging her heels about going out and just frying my brain. It feels like I am stuck in a circular loop with so much continuous noise. My partner who works in the legal field has refused to take a single day off during her break from nursery claiming his job is too important and there is too much work to do. He also seems to think it’s not an issue because I went home for two weeks.

Am I unreasonable in thinking that even people in stressful jobs take the occasional day or week off during the school holidays to spend with their child and give their partner some relief?

I get complete sensory overload from a hyper toddler all day to him finishing work and talking like he’s been storing every thought he had for the day to release all at once. I want to try and organise some freelance/part time work for September but my brain is so fried by the evening when he finishes work that I have nothing left in my battery. I have tried to talk to him but he says I am being unreasonable and I don’t understand because I don’t work (as if I didn’t work and earn more than him in the past). When I counter that I have worked and minding a hyper active clingy three year old all day every day without a break is more exhausting he tells me that I have never had a job as hard as him (which is bs imo). I honestly feel he is killing any chance I have to restart my career by putting his own job ahead of us.

I would just say being together can be you playing here and me tidying next to you. It’s great we’re together but I want to help you learn to play. Don’t feel guilty, you are helping her. The children who aren’t used to playing alone for short periods can often find it hard when they’re at school and they have to get on with it as they’re used to a lot of attention so you’re helping her in the long run.

Id also take her into Nursery even if she hasn’t slept well. You then get time to yourself.

It might be hard and I could be suggesting the impossible but I’d say she needs firm boundaries about sleep and independent play for your own sanity. Try powering through if she hasn’t slept well, reminding her that’s why we go to sleep otherwise you’re letting her sleep in and not getting into the habit of getting up at a set time e.g. get into the habit of getting up in time for nursery on her non nursery days so she can get used to the routine.

Im only trying to help, im not trying to sound rude. I had different problems with each of mine and the advice on here was so valuable.

crosspost with OP - i completely validate you, him doing bedtime in a stressful angry way is worse than nothing.

Also- ADHD is genetic. Your DH...

is a workaholic
with a workaholic father
doesn't plan to take his holiday through the year and is left rolling it over
superserves his work by hyperfocus
gets overwhelmed easily at home and can't do complex tasks requiring subtle shifts of focus (like bedtime)
didn't leave the house until 3pm on a day when he was meant to go out in an organised fashion with your child
demands your attention, by talking at you for a long time in the evenings
is very sensitive to criticism and can't see how he could live or behave differently.

I would go to your GP and get DD on the list for ADHD assessments it might take 3 years for CAMHS to get her to the top of the list.

In the meantime I would read up about ADHD (and indeed AuDHD) as it can often be a whole family learning experience. It won't be a quick process.

Gradually you might find that she can get help which might also enable him to look at himself too.

Yes! I have said that to him! He said he would take a few days off in the summer once he looked at his diary but every time I asked he said his team was too busy so finding time to book off is hard! He was supposed to take a half day today and he told me a week ago he might just be able to take two hours off to take her to her swimming lessons as he is swamped, then he told me last night he couldn’t take the time as everyone else on his team had booked leave so someone needs to be covering which is when I totally lost it. His child free colleagues are taking leave but he can’t possibly. They are all doing the same job, sharing the same work load but he can’t take days. He used to have a colleague who booked almost every Friday and Monday off during the summer (using her 2 days toil a month too) but he did the same job as her and couldn’t book leave.

Yeah, your DH needs to take some annual leave during this time. Non-negotiable!!!

This OP is a SAHM to one preschooler who goes to nursery at least some of the time in term time. I think it does depend how much nursery the child does - very different if they're there 5 days a week Vs just 2 mornings for example. But if the child is going more than a few half days a week I don't think it's a big deal that they have to care for them for a few weeks in between terms as they'll have time to themselves in term time.

That being said the DH still sounds like an uncaring partner and what else is his annual leave even for if it's not to spend time with his child and family??

I think the bigger issues here are relating to the DH's attitude and overall nature, what does he even bring to the relationship OP other than cash?

it’s not the he can’t, it’s that he doesn’t want to.

Why is the nursery so far away? Is there any option for year round? Its a shame he doesnt want to spend time with you all, but i did have to laugh at your comment about parents in paid employment getting a break; as if the hell that is juggling work and childcare is better! The reality is it isnt working/not working thats the issue as much as having a father and husband who isnt bothered. Being a parent and losing leave is absolutely wild. On the face of it having time to yourself in term time balances some of it out, but i suspect this is part of a much bigger issue with his unwilling to properly participate in family life. If you dont want to be a SAHM prioritise getting back to work.

A 5 week streak is a long time and she needs some time off to break it up or at least share some of the burden with her partner.

He can, he doesnt want to. He could talk to you about it and book leave months in advance if it genuinely is an issue (honestly dont believe hes that indispensable that he cant possibly take time off).

Most definitely a choice. I’ve worked with lawyers before both men and women and many of them take leave to be with their children and even travel as a family in the summer and through out other holidays in the year. He doesn’t sound the most family orientated.

There is no rest though - a few hours for nursery is not enough if you have a high needs child to care for more or less by yourself the rest of the time. A lot of people do solo parenting because they HAVE to. OP doesn't.

It sounds like you’re really struggling. In our house we don’t have the luxury of taking time off to give the other a reprieve - there is no stay at home parent either. I get 4.5 weeks leave and DP is self employed - if he isn’t working, the business isn’t operating. Holidays are a juggle of running a business 7 days per week and the other parent working full time whilst trying to minimise the amount of holiday club we use as our ND child doesn’t enjoy it and keeping business operating

I would suggest teaching quiet time. Start with 5 minutes and build up. I came across it through BusyToddler on instagram. I worked during lockdown with no childcare with a similar age child and this was a lifesaver for me.

Yes I have shared information with him on ADHD as he definitely has time blindness and hyperfocus and everything at home is just a bit chaotic with him. He accepts that it could explain a lot. His dad is very unlike him in that regard - his house is immaculate, everything is organised and has a place - it looks like a show house. No one leaves a pen on a table, everything must go back into its designated spot or there will be upset. He finds my partners mess and disorganisation a lot when we visit.

There is likely ADHD in my family too though everyone is a high achiever my brother is going through adult assessments at the moment, my mum is brilliant and accomplished but pure chaos energy (and my dad likely has undiagnosed ASD). I think we probably are all a bit ND in our family though high functioning. Reading about ADHD paralysis really struck a chord with me as I do get sensory overload, I also have internalised hyperactivity and hyperfocused on jobs a lot in my pre parenting days but I was also quite organised and have many qualities that do not fit the ADHD mould. I also have well honed ways to combat things like lower attention span so most people would not know I struggle to take everything in at meetings or talks (write everything down, lots of water, pinch yourself).

I was listening to a woman on the radio who is head of an ADHD assessment centre who said that she thinks half the population are probably ND in various degrees but the question is if it is at a point where it impacts your life. She was strongly encouraging adults with mild symptoms not to get diagnosed unless it is impacting yours life as the waiting lists are so long and they are struggling to assess people who really need it.

Friday, once he’s finished work, hand him your DC and head off to a hotel and don’t come back until late on Sunday. Let him do everything and don’t respond to any texts or phone calls.

Let him know you’re safe but she’s all on him now.

When you’re back, inform him this will happen every week unless he steps up.

I think your child should be in a nursery all year round and you should go back to work. He steps up or faces the consequences.

We always have 2 weeks off as a family in the summer holidays. Whether we go "on holiday" or not. Sounds like your H doesn't want to spend time with his family.
I work flexitime so I always have a few random days off too, like today, even though DS is 17 and still in bed

i feel your pain on the burn out. I’m 8 weeks postpartum with my fourth DC with three others at home (2,4 and 8). My DH has worked 7 day weeks since he went back after a weeks paternity leave so this summer holidays has been a killer. Dodgy weather, newborn phase and it being borderline impossible to find something to please everyone has drained the life out of me!