To be sick of my DM and her behaviour

[OneKookyShark]

My mother has been married to my stepfather for 30+ years. His kids are the ‘golden children’ and now so are his grandkids.

My DD passed all her GCSEs today with 5s and 6s and is delighted. The golden grandchild got straight A’s as did their sibling last year. My mother rang us first thing to tell us about the golden grandchild but acted completely embarrassed that her own actual grandchild didn’t get straight As. They don’t live near us but are taking the golden grandchild out for dinner - no mention of the same for her actual grandchild.

It’s like this all the time, both with me and my sister being compared to the golden children and now the same for the grandchildren. I am fucking sick of it frankly. It made my DD feel like shit even though she was delighted before she spoke to my mother.

Any advice? I have had 30 years of it but it’s now also affecting my kids. She may aswell adopt his kids frankly as she treats her own blood family like the black sheep.

Do you think this might be a watershed moment? How much are you in each other's lives?

I have gradually reduced contact I guess - I only visit maybe once a year now and rarely speak. Stuff like this is still triggering though and I wish it wasn’t!

Have you had this conversation with her before? Told her how it makes you (and your sister) and your daughter feel?

I’m really sorry. And congratulations to your dd, she did amazingly well. The world is her oyster….. but with limited contact with your mother I’m afraid. You can’t let your children feel second best. And you mustn’t allow them to feel like you do.
The only answer is to limit contact and limit what information you give your dm.
I’ve been there. Once you make that decision life is sooooo much easier

Yes. There was a massive row a few years back when I broke a bit. Told her what I thought. But I guess I thought staying in touch ‘for the children’ was the right thing but now I don’t know. Same old shit!

But you did phone to tell her.
Don’t, if she wants to know, let her phone

Thanks, yea I think you are right.

She actually rang us this morning - to tell us how well the step- grandchild did

If she's anything like my mum she'll just tell the OP she's imagining it and not to be so silly. Then spend 10 minutes eulogising the golden one for something minor leaving the OP seething.

Yes! It’s always about the golden children!

Honestly stop trying. Don’t do ‘normal’ conversation. Let her ring, let her ask, don’t volunteer anything.

It’s amazing how much easier it all is when you stop trying.

Your reply should have been “ that’s nice!! , is there anything else? Cos I’m about to go to school to get dds”

We have the same dynamic in our family but its not DM it's DF. We did the exact same 'staying in touch' for the children but as your children get older they can see it for themselves. One of my children has refused to see her GF as she really doesn't like him. She hates being compared to the golden grandchildren and since going to Uni has conveniently had an excuse not to see her GF every family meet up. He makes comments that he hasn't seen her for X number of years but we just give a 'well we all have busy lives' reply.

You honestly have to detach. Be there for yours, that’s it.
Be done!

I think it's because they live near each other. That's kind of natural to spend more time with people that are physically closer tbh

Unfortunately, this type of golden child vs scapegoat ("less than") child dynamic runs through generations of families until the curse is broken by someone finally breaking free of all of the dysfunction. You DC did fantastically well and it's awful she feels bad because of your mother's reaction. You're already on minimum contact which is completely understandable. Whether you decide to break completely free and go no contact is entirely up to you but it's the only way to stop this toxic merry go round for yourself, your children and grandchildren.

I have four children. None of them want anything to do with my their grandparents on my side.
They made their bed!!

Toxic merrygoround is a good way to describe it - that’s exactly what it is!

Congrats to your DD and I’m glad she’s pleased with her results 💐.

I really empathise with you. My mom is exactly the same. I don’t have kids but all she’s done is compare my achievements to others also. I’ve been to uni, have my own home alone in a more desirable area than hers and hold a senior position (whilst she’s been a SAHM though I somehow still ended up a latch key kid) but it doesn’t matter at all.

I know for a fact of I had kids she would take great joy in playing them off against my sisters who’s her favoured child.

I don’t have the answer other than to limit exposure to toxic influences which I know you’re trying to achieve already.

Also - it’s this really toxic idea that you are only any good if you get straight A’s at GCSE - it’s like there is no space for normal, average kids any more at all. Not all kids thrive in school and in the current exam system - my kids didn’t and I didn’t either!

You know what she is like. After 30 years of making you and you sister feeling second best, you are allowing her to do it to your children. Don't let her hijack special moment for comparison opportunities.

Reducing contact is a great start but you need to act as a buffer now between your child and her grandmother. Do not let your Mother be party to major events - your DD has passed her exams. 'I'll send Granny a text. Up to you what you read out or relay. Got led in school play. Same. Won Junior Bake Off same. Send a photo.

Unfortunately, I speak from experience and I finally went NC. Good luck!

Well done to your DD on her GCSE results. I'd personally stop having anything to do with my DM if she prioritised children and grandchildren that aren't hers before her own biological children/grandchildren. I certainly could never put my SD or above my own DD. Not saying she's wrong for taking her step grandchild out for dinner but she should be celebrating her biological grandchilds results too and taking both girls out for dinner and to act embarrassed that her biological grandchild didn't get straight A's like her step grandchild is disgusting.

I'm sure your dc will do just fine. Ignore her. Some people like to boast. Are only interested in what things look like to other people. My dm is a narcissist and does a thing called triangulation. She goes on and on about how amazing other people are to make you feel like shit.

More fool her. She's going to miss out on her gd's celebrations.

I would cut contact and when she contacts you explain the negative effects her behavior is having for you and your children...you kids don't need that, protect them cause you know how it messed you up ❤️