To be sick of my DM and her behaviour

[OneKookyShark]

My mother has been married to my stepfather for 30+ years. His kids are the ‘golden children’ and now so are his grandkids.

My DD passed all her GCSEs today with 5s and 6s and is delighted. The golden grandchild got straight A’s as did their sibling last year. My mother rang us first thing to tell us about the golden grandchild but acted completely embarrassed that her own actual grandchild didn’t get straight As. They don’t live near us but are taking the golden grandchild out for dinner - no mention of the same for her actual grandchild.

It’s like this all the time, both with me and my sister being compared to the golden children and now the same for the grandchildren. I am fucking sick of it frankly. It made my DD feel like shit even though she was delighted before she spoke to my mother.

Any advice? I have had 30 years of it but it’s now also affecting my kids. She may aswell adopt his kids frankly as she treats her own blood family like the black sheep.

Do you actually know the step grandchildren personally OP? If not or it's a vague acquaintance I'd just act confused as to why she's updating you on the lives of virtual strangers. It must be so hurtful to you.
Congratulations to your DD. you must be very proud of her. Hope you're having a lovely time celebrating her success.

What does she bring to your life? I would ditch her to be honest.

Where's your father? id go on about how wonderful he is to your mother.....or your MIL...see how your mother likes it.

I.know im childish

Massive well done to your DD.

Who gives a shiny shite how anyone else did - she did her best and she’s thrilled. That’s what matters.

As for your DM. You’re far away. Keep that distance and don’t expect much and then she can’t disappoint you.

Reduce contact more. She doesn't bring anything to your life. Its worse that's she's treating your kids the same way

He passed away in 2022 - but he would NEVER have behaved like my mother does- he was so proud of my kids and never ever once compared to anyone or made them feel bad!

Well done to your DD!

I would pull back completely from your mum. Being pleased about her step-grandchildren's results is one thing. Being embarrassed about your daughter's results is toxic and really mean.

I hope she isn't expecting you to step up and provide help and support as she ages. Back right off and leave that to the golden children and grandchildren.

I often wonder about this - she’s spent 30
years prioritising someone else’s family. I won’t be looking after her in old age!

I was asking to see if there’s any way to work on this. As expected, there isn’t. Your options are to go NC or grey rock her. She starts bragging, you say “That’s nice” , “mhm,mhm” and change the subject. Keep all conversation to a boring, small talk minimum, The weather, i went to the shop, I saw a cat today. No significant information at all about you , your life or your DC. If she asks directly you say you don’t know yet, or “oh she did fine/great , we’re very proud” . If she insists, you just repeat/reword that. Then “on no, someone’s at the door gotta go.”

If it helps , mum saw our holiday pics . Her ONLY comment about them was that DD’s spine was so crooked (crouched down, contorting to play with a kitten) in one of the pics it nearly gave her a heart attack. That’s it.

I would just tell her how you feel. Then go no contact. Email/letter if to hard to say over the phone.
She sounds horrible.
But congratulations to your dc.

OMG - that’s crazy!

you can decline to pick up the phone when she calls. Or answer and as she launches into boasting say oops the house is on fire/a clown is ringing the bell/neighbors cat just strolled in w/a mouse in its mouth. Basically something ridiculous and hang up.

Make each excuse more insane than the last. Promise to return her call but don't

Always say it nicely too! Oh its great to hear from you! How are you? Wow golden grandchild flew to the moon? GREAT. Oh no my emotional support cockroach is loose again byyyeeee.

I was NC with my mother for the last 30 years of her life and damn it felt good not playing her games. Highly recommend it to anyone dealing with the golden child dynamic, you can't win that game so best to opt out and live your life.

Low contact.

Congratulations to your DD!

Congratulations to your daughter. I got similar results to your daughter and did very well in life. The most important thing is your daughter is happy.

As for your mother she will eventually reap what she sows.

You are a fantastic mother.

Congratulations to your daughter. For all of us, there is always someone who's going to be better than us (unless we're Stephen Hawking) the thing is to aim for a PERSONAL best. My brother is endlessly competitive, which is why I don't see him: he's never happy, always comparing himself with other people and dishing out little put-downs. I'm happy with my own modest achievements.

You will never win against a golden dc.
My db is the golden dc and by extension his dc.
One Christmas I sat helping dm write Christmas cards.
She put chqs in for everyone except me and dh. Then she sent me up the post office to post him a parcel too.
When dd got a first in drama it was
Oh, but it's only drama, it's not physics or maths.
Then when db hadn't received a wedding invite from family she rang me absolutely distraught. I said that I hadn't received one either.
Well, she said, nobody likes you.

So there you have it.

Oh my god- some of the posts are so awful. Am so sorry your DM said that. It’s unbelievable really. I keep thinking I would just never behave in this way ever.

I work in student services at a uni and my role involves a lot of supporting students in their academics - I am relentlessly positive and upbeat with all students no matter their grades. Because many of them just need a bit of positivity. I think sometimes it comes from the way my DM has behaved - I never want anyone to feel so horrible.

Please don't allow her to continue to treat your children like this. The pattern is repeating itself. Your poor DD who was feeling wonderful until your mother made her comments.stop the abuse now! No more contact. Don't answer the phone, don't visit, don't engage at all.
Well done to your DD. Hope you arrange a lovely celebration for her. She deserves it.

My DM could be pretty bitchy with me. When I think back, it’s absolutely shocking you could treat your DC like that. However I think it’s made me a kinder, more empathetic person and definitely a better mother than she was. I bet you are a great mum. I think the best thing you can do is be open with your dd and say your dm has been like this for years and it’s nothing to do with her personally. Then go low contact and tell your dm what happened yesterday is the last straw.

My DM is very focused on exam results, always has been, anything less than straight A’s is a failure. Despite much pushing I’ve never shared by dc’s exam results with her and I never will. She simply doesn’t need to know.

She doesn't deserve to be part of your life or your children's life.

I would cut her off, at least go low contact if you find cutting her off extreme.

I hope your DD has a day of celebrations with her family who love and appreciate her.

Stop allowing her to mistreat your child/ren the same way she did to you and your sister, you have the power to protect your DD, do it.

Just let her calls go unanswered.. Let your mail box fil up until she stops.
Haven't seen my dm since 2012.
Neither have my dc. And they are better off for it.

Genuinely doesn’t sound like her ‘relationship’ with your dc is even remotely positive. I’d honest just let the contact drop. Why would you remotely care about her step grandchild’s results when your dc was getting her results? Your mum sounds totally invested in her new family. Let her crack on.

That is really nasty, I would consider her position in your life.

Well done to your DD xxx